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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


LHKaf  TSinclttir 


THE 


HANDBOOK 


THE  MAN  OF  FASHION, 


BY   THE   AUTHOR   OF 
ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENTLEMEN." 


The  forms,  modes,  shows,  and  uses  of  the  world. 

Shakspeare, 

Neque  enim  levia  aut  ludicra  petuntur 
Praemia. 

Virg. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
LINDSAY  AND  BLAKISTON. 

1847. 


Entered  aca).ia»ng  to  the  act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1839, 
by  Lea  &  Blanchard,  in  the  clerk's  office  of  the  District 
Court  of  the  eastern  district  of  Pennsylvania. 


Printed  by  T.  K.  &  P.  G.  Collins. 


PREFACE 


3d 


The  object  of  this  work  is  to  instruct  those 
who  have  not  been  familiar  with  the  world,  in  the 
customs  and  usages  of  good  society ;  and  to  ex- 
plain those  principles  of  good-breeding  which 
every  man  should  be 

•  Wax  to  receive  and  marble  to  retain.' 

Of  the  regulations  of  etiquette,  we  willingly 
say,  '  Nos  haec  novimus  esse  nihil ;'  they  are 
trifles ;  they  are  nothing.  But  in  human  life, 
trifles  are  often  of  immense  importance ;  and  lit- 
tle as  these  precepts  may  seem,  an  acquaintance 
with  them  is  perfectly  indispensable.  There  is 
indeed  a  class  of  men  on  earth, — that  higher  and 
purer  order  of  mortals, 

Q,ueis  arte  benignae 
Et  meliore  luto  finxit  praecordia  Titan, — 

whose  virtue  and  genius  will  procure  for  them  an 

absolution  from  offences  against  usage  ;  nay,  on 

3 

ISBARY 


PREFACE. 

wiiom  that  ignorance  sits  gracefully.  But  an  or- 
dinary man  can  never  gain  that  place  in  life  for 
which  his  talents  and  his  merits  fit  him,  unless 
he  is  acquainted  with  that  style  of  behaviour 
which  the  world  insists  on  observing.  To  gain 
a  thorough  insight  into  this  system,  men  must 
doubtless  see  with  their  own  eyes,  and  suffer  in 
their  own  persons  ;  but  many  valuable  directions 
may  yet  be  communicated  by  precept.  If  we 
cannot  instruct  the  reader  how  to  attain 

'  The  grace,  so  rare  in  every  clime, 
Of  being,  without  alloy  of  fop  or  beau, 
A  finished  gentleman  from  top  to  toe  :' 

we  may  at  least  inform  him  how  to  reach  Ethere- 
gi's  notion  of  a  passable  gentleman,  and  be  '  ever 
well-dressed,  always  complaisant,  and  seldom 
impertinent.* 


CONTENTS. 


Introduction   7 

Personal  Appearance  and  Apparel   13 

General  Manner 31 

Certain  Points  of  Good-Breeding 61 

Behaviour  on  Particular  Occasions 95 

Conversation  115 

Women:  —  Courtship  and  Marriage .  167 

Morning  Calls   193 

Evening  Visits 198 

Receiving  Company  at  Home   205 

Amusements  of  a  Gentleman    , .  218 

5 


INTRODUCTION. 


To  gain  the  good  opinion  of  those  who  sur- 
round them,  is  the  first  interest  and  the  second 
duty  of  men  in  every  profession  of  life.  For 
power  and  for  pleasure,  this  preliminary  is  equally 
indispensable.  Unless  we  are  eminent  and  re- 
spectable before  our  fellow-beings,  we  cannot 
possess  that  influence  which  is  essential  to  the 
accomplishment  of  great  designs ;  and  men  have 
so  inherent,  and  one  might  almost  say  constitu- 
tional, a  disposition  to  refer  all  that  they  say  and 
do,  to  the  thoughts  and  feelings  of  others,  that 
upon  the  tide  of  the  world's  opinion,  floats  the 
complacency  of  every  man. 

This  disposition  is  the  guide  and  aliment  of 
almost  all  the  passions  that  live  in  the  breasts  of 
men.  Ambition, — 'the  glorious  fault  of  angels 
and  of  gods' — has  its  rise  in  an  aspiration  '  to 
make  their  own,  the  minds  of  other  men.'  Ava- 
7 


INTRODUCTION. 


rice  more  often  springs  from  a  fear  of  falling  un 
der  the  contempt  of  the  community,  through  pov 
erty,  than  from  a  lust  of  treasure.  And  those 
more  plebeian  moods  of  feeling,  towards  which 
the  minds  of  common  persons  are  oftener  swayed, 
— as  vanity,  love,  pride, — are  but  difiering  forms 
of  this  constant  inclination. 

To  gain  this  notice  and  esteem,  some  are  rely- 
ing on  intellect,  and  some  on  learning ;  some  are 
expecting  it  as  the  result  of  political  power,  and 
others  are  looking  for  it  as  the  reward  of  patriotic 
actions.  It  is  thought  by  one  class  to  be  aided 
by  magnifying  the  antiquity  and  lustre  of  their 
family ;  while  another  imagines  that  it  may  be 
won  by  personal  haughtiness.  But  the  most  suc- 
cessful of  those  who  labour  along  those  avenues 
to  regard,  will  have  a  toilsome  struggle  and  a 
doubtful  triumph.  A  shorter,  safer,  and  surer 
road  exists,  than  any  of  these  uneasy  paths  dis- 
play. Let  a  man  make  himself  The  fashion, 
and  he  wins  that  treasure  of  opinion,  for  which 
the  works  and  wishes  of  the  world  are  spent. 

Fashion,  like  Sir  Fopling  Flutter,  is  a  thing 
'*  not  to  be  comprehended  in  a  few  words."     Its 
empire  is  one  of  the  darkest  mysteries  of  life ;  and 
8 


INTRODUCTION. 


we  cannot  pretend  to  explore  its  title  or  founda- 
tion. It  was  a  madman  that  asked  "  What  is  the 
cause  of  thunder;"  it  was  a  fool  to  whom  he  put 
the  question  ;  and  it  was  a  knave  that  finally  an- 
swered it.  The  discussion  of  the  causes  of  the 
power  of  fashion  might  not  be  an  invocation  to 
call  into  a  circle  precisely  that  assemblage  of 
characters:  but  still,  on  other  grounds,  pagan 
and  Christian,  it  were  discreeter  to  abstain  from 
such  a  controversy.  We  should  accept  Fashion, 
in  the  way  that  Sir  Robert  Peel  accepted  the  Re- 
form Bill,  as  a  fact, — an  actual  and  settled  cir- 
cumstance, in  reference  to  which  our  views  and 
conduct  must  be  regulated. 

But  while  we  do  not  presume  to  analyze  this 
power,  we  may  be  permitted  to  make  what  seems 
to  be  the  simplest  statement  of  the  condition  of 
things  from  which  it  springs.  And  that  is,  that 
the  minds  of  common  men  are  not  strong  enough, 
separately,  to  form  opinions.  Men  must  unite  to 
raise  and  sustain  a  thought, — to  fabricate  and  up- 
hold a  judgment.  Two  or  three  hundred  must 
think  together,  in  order  to  think  at  all.  It  is  not 
that  persons  exactly  adopt  their  notions  from 
others  ;  each  has  a  joint-stock  interest  in  the  sen- 
B  9 


INTRODUCTION. 


timent  to  whose  formation  and  support  he  is  a 
contributor;  each  is  seized, joer  my  et per  tout,  of 
common  thought.  When  this  operation  displays 
itself  in  professions  and  sects,  and  upon  subjects 
of  permanent  interest,  it  produces  cant  ,•  when  it 
extends  to  lighter  things  and  acts  more  vaguely, 
it  creates  Fashion. 

The  influence  of  Fashion  can  hardly  be  over- 
stated. It  can  give  its  favourites  the  fame  of  ge- 
nius, learning,  grace  and  virtue.  It  can  cause  the 
flippancy  of  an  idiot  to  pass  for  the  brilliance  of 
Walpolian  wit ;  it  can  transmute  the  dronishness 
of  a  dullard  into  a  divine  dignity.  Without  it, 
the  greatest  general  is  a  coated  savage,  and  the 
brightest  author  is  a  tedious  bore. 

Its  might  extends  through  every  order,  and 
regulates  the  merit-roll  of  all  the  professions.  It 
settles  the  skill  of  physicians,  and  metes  out  the 
sanctity  of  the  clergy. 

It  is  often  won  by  accident,  and  often  governed 
by  whim.  It  took  up  Dr.  Fothergill  because  he 
wore  a  hat  whose  rim  was  three  inches  broader 
than  that  of  anybody  else.  It  smiled  on  Aber- 
nethy  because  he  expressed  in  two  words,  what 
another  would  feel  cramped  to  tell  in  ten. 
10 


INTRODUCTION. 


To  such  cases,  no  rule  can  be  applied.  To- 
wards those  points  of  the  compass,  we  must  imi- 
tate Sylla,  and  build  altars  to  Fortune.  But  as 
far  as  that  empire  is  controlled  by  reason  and 
may  be  understood  by  calculation,  the  easiest  and 
most  certain  way  to  favour,  is  by  conciliating- 
those  who  sit  at  the  portals  of  the  court  of  Fa- 
shion, and  to  gain  the  liking  and  the  voice  of 
those  who  are  of  her  privy-council.  That  is  to 
be  done  by  a  course  of  conduct,  towards  which 
some  suggestions  are  offered  by  the  present  vol- 
ume. It  is  to  be  done  by  dress,  manner,  and 
tact  of  action. 

For  those  who  merely  mean  to  enjoy  life, — 
whose  '  trade  and  art  is,  to  live,' — (and  all  men, 
how  far  soever  the  circle  of  their  days  may  lie 
beyond  that  course,  have,  in  their  hours  or  mo- 
ments, some  points  of  tangence  with  that  line  of 
purpose) — for  those  who  seek  only  to  sport  in  the 
sunshine  of  pleasure,  fashion  is  not  only  useful, 
but  absolutely  indispensable.  Whoever  has  in 
heart  any  schemes  of  self-advancement  or  of  pub- 
lic benefit,  will  find  the  aid  of  this  influence  in- 
calculably useful.  Accordingly,  whatever  others 
may  have  said  about  the  art  of  life,  we  have  no 
11 


INTRODUCTION. 


hesitation  in  pronouncing  it,  the  art  of  getting 
into  fashion. 

But  whatever  may  be  the  inducements  to  cul- 
tivate fashion  for  its  results  of  profit  or  enjoy- 
ment, it  is,  in  and  for  itself,  a  thing  so  greatly 
valued  and  craved  by  every  class  of  persons,  that 
the  mode  of  winning  it  becomes  an  interesting 
consideration  to  all  men.  Fashion  is  a  large  oc- 
cupant of  the  thoughts  of  all  the  world.  It  en- 
grosses more  time  and  effort  than  Heaven  itself. 
The  boy  wonders  and  is  terrified  at  it.  It  shares 
with  love  the  empire  of  the  girlish  breast.  To 
win  it,  some  men  make  slaves  of  themselves,  and 
some,  fools.  There  is  not  in  existence  a  person 
under  thirty  years,  and  not  many  of  a  greater  age, 
who  would  not  rather  be  a  man  of  fashion,  than  be 
the  most  distinguished  man  of  a  distinguished  age. 

To  gain  the  height  of  fashion  is  an  easier  thing 
than  to  keep  it. 

Irreparably  soon  decline,  alas  I 
The  demagogues  of  fasliion. 

It  may  be  gained  by  accident;  it  cannot  be  kept 
without  the  finest  skill.     The  following  pages 
present  some  considerations  which,  for  either  pur- 
pose, may  not  be  wholly  valueless. 
12 


TITLE   I. 

OF  THE  PERSONAL  APPEARANCE, 
AND  APPAREL. 


Nothing  exceeds  in  ridicule,  no  doubt, 
A  fool  in  fashion,— but  a  fool  that 's  out. 

YoDNO. 


The  personal  appearance  is  a  matter  of  the  first 
concern.  We  see  what  a  man  is,  before  we  see 
what  he  does  or  says. 

BufFon  has  remarked  that  a  man's  clothes  are 
a  part  of  the  individual,  and  enter  into  our  idea 
of  the  character.  No  man  who  is  acquainted  ex- 
perimentally with  the  world,  or  who  has  reasoned 
upon  the  progress  of  feeling,  can  regard  the  mat- 
ter of  dress  as  an  unimportant  consideration.  So 
intimately  are  the  impressions  of  the  senses  con- 
nected with  the  conclusions  of  the  intellect,  that 
though  we  may  dread,  it  is  impossible  to  respect, 
13 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


a  person  who  dresses  very  negligently.  The  no- 
tion which  is  formed  of  the  interior  qualities  is 
insensibly  influenced  by  the  exterior  show.  "  We 
must  speak  to  the  eyes,"  says  Walpole,  "  if  we 
wish  to  affect  the  mind." 

The  personal  appearance  is  particularly  im- 
portant where  women  are  concerned  ;  for  most  of 
them  make  it  a  rule  to  judge  of  character  by  the 
first  impression.  Good  dressing  is  as  important 
m  courtship  as  in  cookery. 

In  paying  a  visit,  or  seeking  the  company  of 
any  one  upon  foreknowledge,  it  is  manifestly  a 
compliment  to  be  well-dressed,  and  an  insult  to 
be  slovenly.  But  even  in  a  casual  encounter,  and 
upon  occasions  where  your  habit  can  have  no  con- 
nexion with  the  feelings  and  sentiments  which 
you  have  towards  those  whom  you  meet,  neat 
and  careful  dressing  will  bring  great  advantage 
to  you.  A  negligent  guise  shows  a  man  to  be 
satisfied  with  his  own  resources,  engrossed  with 
his  own  notions  and  schemes,  indifierent  to  the 
14 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


opinion  of  others,  and  not  looking  abroad  fo"  en- 
tertainment :  to  such  a  man  no  one  feels  encour- 
aged to  make  any  advances.  A  jflnished  dress 
indicates  a  man  of  the  world,  one  who  looks  for, 
and  habitually  finds,  pleasure  in  society  and  con- 
versation, and  who  is  at  all  times  ready  to  mingle 
in  intercourse  with  those  whom  he  meets  with ; 
it  is  a  kind  of  general  offer  of  acquaintance,  and 
proves  a  willingness  to  be  spoken  to.  Dress  is 
the  livery  of  good  society ;  and,  all  the  world 
over,  no  one  can  get  practice  in  his  profession 
who  does  not  wear  the  badge  of  his  calling. 

Dress  is  a  thing  very  significant  of  invi^ard 
feeling,  and  very  operative  upon  outward  conduct. 
That  courtier  was  in  the  right,  who  dated  the 
commencement  of  the  French  Revolution  from 
the  day  when  a  nobleman  appeared  at  Versailles 
without  buckles  in  his  shoes.  The  early  insti- 
tutors  of  the  Society  of  Friends  displayed  con- 
summate wisdom  in  providing  for  the  perpetual 
separation  of  their  sect  by  the  distinction  of  dress. 
15 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE, 


It  is  in  this  way  that  military  companies  keep  tip 
^he  esprit  de  corps:  and  the  badge  which  distin- 
guishes associations  and  parties  is  a  witness  of 
the  principle.  The  peculiar  dresses  anciently 
^A'orn  by  physcians,  lawyers,  &c.,  deepened  the 
limits  of  professional  difference,  and  doubtless 
quickened  professional  devotion.  Whoever  en- 
ters society  will  find  that  a  fashionable  attire  will 
unite  and  fraternize  him  with  people  of  the  world 
more  strongly  and  completely  than  any  other 
thing ;  and  it  will  be  a  constant  monitor  to  re- 
mind him  to  act  worthy  of  his  vocation  of  court- 
liness. There  was  much  philosophy  in  the  rea- 
son given  by  Mr.  More,  of  Norwich,  one  of  the 
worthiest  divines  of  the  reign  of  Queen  Eliza- 
beth, for  wearing  the  longest  beard  of  his  time, 
namely,  "  that  no  act  of  his  life  might  be  unwor- 
thy of  the  gravity  of  his  appearance." 

A  man  of  sense,  as  well  as  a  man  of  the  world, 
will  always  dress  in  the  fashion.     If  there  were 
any  style  of  attire  which  could  be  called  natural 
16 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


and  rational,  a  wise  man  might  be  pardoned  for 
deviating  from  custom  to  reach  it :  but  he  who 
leaves  what  is  fashionable  now,  must  adopt  what 
was  fashionable  once,  and  not  a  whit  more  rea- 
sonable than  that  which  is  in  vogue,  or  he  must 
invent  a  manner  which  cannot  have  anything  else 
to  recommend  it  than  that  it  differs  from  the 
usage.  On  that  point,  the  language  of  Dr.  Young 
is  the  language  of  good  sense  : 

Though  wrong  the  mode,  comply ;  more  sense  is  shown 
In  wearing  others'  follies  than  your  own. 

Among  trivial  matterr.,  nothing,  perhaps,  more 
often  distinguishes  a  gentleman  from  a  plebeian, 
than  the  wearing  of  gloves.  A  gentleman  has 
worn  them  so  constantly  from  his  earliest  years, 
that  he  feels  uncomfortably  without  them  in  the 
street,  and  he  never  suffers  his  hands  to  be  bare 
for  a  moment;  a  vulgar  person,  on  the  con- 
trary, finds  himself  incommoded  by  a  warmth 
and  confinement  to  which  he  is  unaccustomed, 
and  even  if,  in  compliance  with  usage,  he  has 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE. 


supplied  himself  with  what  he  deems  unworthy 
of  the  expense,  he  will  do  no  more  than  swing 
them  between  his  fingers,  or  wrap  them  around 
his  thumb.  It  is  not  enough  that  you  carry 
gloves,  you  should  wear  them.  It  is  a  very  com- 
mon thing  to  see  young  men,  parading  upon  some 
place  of  public  promenade,  expensively  and  even 
genteelly  dressed,  having  canes,  rings,  &c., — but 
without  gloves.  The  ungloved  hand  is  the  clo- 
ven foot  of  their  vulgarity. 

When  you  are  going  out  to  walk,  you  should 
draw  on  your  gloves,  and  make  all  the  other  ad- 
justments in  your  attire,  before  you  open  the 
street-door.  It  is  offensive  to  see  a  man  dressing 
himself  in  the  street. 

In  full-dress  evening  company,  white  or  yellow 
gloves  should  be  worn,  but  should  be  taken  off 
in  eating.  But  at  a  small  evening  party  of  thirty 
or  forty  persons,  which  is  necessarily  a  half-dress 
occasion,  it  is  more  proper  to  wear  dark  gloves 

than  white  ones. 

1« 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


It  is  offensive  to  offer  a  gloved  hand  to  a  per- 
son, unless  he,  too,  is  gloved.  If  two  persons 
meet  one  another  and  both  have  their  gloves  on, 
they  should  shake  hands  without  removing  them ; 
men  unfamiliar  with  the  world  often  withdraw 
the  glove  on  such  an  occasion,  not  considering 
that  equality  of  position  is  the  only  thing  to  be 
desired.  But  if  one  draws  off  his  glove,  it  would 
be  the  grossest  rudeness  for  the  other  to  retain  his. 
As  it  is  troublesome  to  be  compelled  to  unglove, 
if  you,  having  your  glove  off,  salute  one  who  has 
his  glove  on,  you  should  not  offer  him  your  hand. 
The  ceremony  of  shaking  hands  should,  like 
every  other  that  a  gentleman  performs,  be  done 
with  deliberation  and  composure ;  if,  therefore, 
there  occur  to  yourself  or  the  other  party,  any 
delay  on  an  occasion  of  this  sort,  you  should  wait 
without  embarrassment  or  agitation,  and  quietly 
offer  or  receive  the  hand  whenever  it  is  prepared. 
In  paying  a  morning  visit,  have  one  glove  off,  or 
partly  off,  in  entering ;  for  you  may  meet  some 
19 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE. 


gentleman  of  the  family,  with  whom  it  would  be 
necessary  to  exchange  the  hand. 

In  receiving  company  in  one's  own  house,  ons 
should  not  be  much  dressed.  A  man  should  noX 
wear  gloves ;  not  only  because  it  is  senseless  and 
unmeaning,  seeing  that  men,  unlike  women,  only 
wear  them  abroad,  but  also  because  if  any  of  the 
company  had  forgotten  that  part  of  his  apparel, 
the  gloves  of  his  host  would  make  him  feel  awk- 
wardly. 

At  a  morning  visit,  a  frock-coat  may  be  worn, 
and  a  cane,  which  together  with  the  hat  must  be 
taken  into  the  room  and  retained  in  the  hand. 
The  hour  after  which  dress  becomes  indispensa- 
ble, begins  with  dinner. 

When  you  lay  down  your  hat  in  a  room,  or  on 
a  bench  in  a  public  place,  you  should  put  the 
open  part  downwards,  so  that  the  leather  which 
has  been  soiled  by  the  hair,  may  not  be  seen. 

Small  articles  for  which  there  may  be  use,  as 
a  pencil-case,  or  card-case,  should  be  carried  in 
20 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE. 


the  waistcoat  pocket.  Nothing  should  be  carried 
in  the  pockets  of  the  pantaloons,  as  it  is  extremely 
inelegant  to  thrust  the  hand  into  them.  In  com- 
pany, as  little  as  possible  should  be  borne  in 
pockets  of  the  coat;  indeed,  a  full-dress  coat 
should  be  made  without  pockets.  t 

Little  distinction  can  be  gained  in  this  country 
by  the  fashion  of  the  dress.  So  universal,  among 
the  lowest  classes,  is  the  habit  of  extravagant 
expenditure,  and  so  unlimited  is  the  reach  of  their 
rivalry,  that  a  gentleman  can  scarcely  show  him- 
self twice  in  a  peculiar  costume,  without  ensuring 
that  his  third  appearance  shall  be  matched  by 
every  apprentice  and  club-boy  in  town.  The 
meeting  of  two  gentlemen  in  the  lobby  of  the 
play-house,  illustrates  the  similarity  of  dress 
which  now  pervades  all  orders.  Coming  from 
different  parts  of  the  building  in  haste,  one  ac- 
costed the  other  with  "  Pray,  are  you  the  box- 
keeper  r'   "  No,"  replied  the  other ;  "  are  you  1" 

A  three-days'  distinction  may  however  be  at- 
21 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE. 


tained,  by  being  the  first  to  adopt  what  will  soon 
become  general.  To  "  set  a  fashion"  in  London 
or  Paris  is  what  none  but  a  most  aspiring  genius 
could  undertake,  or  a  person  of  great  eminence 
accomplish.  But  in  this  country,  the  thing  is 
easy.  The  style  of  men's  dress,  here,  is  the  Lon- 
don style  of  two  years  before,  and  whoever  will 
copy  Regent  street  before  its  inventions  have  be- 
come absolutely  vulgar,  w^ill  anticipate  Broadway 
and  Chestnut  street  by  some  time. 

Splendid  dressing  is  not  becoming  in  a  great 
man.  The  contrast  which  usually  existed  be- 
tween the  habiliments  of  Napoleon  and  those  of 
his  generals  and  marshals,  was  strikingly  honour- 
able to  the  former.  On  the  other  hand,  a  man 
should  not  dress  negligently  unless  he  is  a  great 
man.  A  poor  man  should  dress  well ;  a  rich  man 
can  afford  to  dress  meanly.  One  of  the  greatest 
advantages  of  rank  is  that  it  permits  us  to  asso- 
ciate with  whomsoever  we  please ;  and  of  wealth, 
that  it  allows  us  to  live  as  humbly  as  we  like. 
22 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE 


You  should   not  carry  to  your  toilet  all  the 

mental  absence  of  the  learned  Dr. ,  and  put 

on  fresh  garments  without  taking  off  the  former 
ones.  It  is  related  by  the  biographer  of  Sir 
Humphry  Davy,  that  that  distinguished  philo- 
sopher would  often  appear  before  his  class  with 
1^0  less  than  seven  shirts  on,  and  as  many  pairs 
cf  stockings ;  an  accumulation  effected  by  sim- 
ply violatmg  the  rule  of  the  old  song,  "  'Tis  well 
to  be  off  with  the  old — shirt.  Before  we  have  on 
with  the  new."  His  friends  were  constantly 
called  upon  to  wonder  at  the  extraordinary  varia- 
tions which  his  bulk  was  undergoing  ;  his  limbs 
at  one  time  being  extremely  thin,  and  in  the  next 
week  vyeing  with  the  proportions  of  Daniel  Lam- 
bert. 

Seal-rings  are,  at  this  day,  never  worn  by  peo- 
ple of  ton.  You  see  them  often  upon  the  fingers 
of  second  or  third  rate  people ;  but  gentlemen 
have  wholly  abandoned  their  use.  Sometimes  a 
23 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCR. 


plain  gold  ring  is  worn  by  men  of  condition,  but 
nothing  beyond  that. 

At  a  dance  or  large  evening  party,  a  chapeaii 
bras  is  appropriate  and  elegant ;  but  to  carry  a 
common  hat  on  such  occasions,  as  is  done  by 
some  awkward  imitators  of  fashion,  is  clumsy 
and  absurd. 

If  uniformity  of  manner  is  tiresome,  an  unva- 
rying dress  is  still  more  so.  There  should  be  an 
adaptation  of  the  costume  to  the  occasion,  sea- 
son, place  and  hour.  There  should  be  a  harmony 
between  the  stiffness  of  the  coat  and  of  the  com- 
pany ;  a  buckram'd  collar  at  a  pic-nic  would  be 
as  much  out  of  place  as  starchless  linen  in  a 
drawing-room.  Old  Elwes,  the  miser,  who  was 
for  many  years  a  member  of  parliament,  wore  the 
same  unchanging  dress  at  the  Speaker's  dinners 
and  at  those  of  the  opposition,  and  in  a  short 
time  every  eye  had  become  familiar  with  it.  T*  e 
wits  of  the  minority  used  to  say,  "  that  they  W-J 
full  as  much  reason  as  the  minister  to  be  satisft*  A 
24 


PERSONAL    APPEARANCE. 


with  Mr.  Elwes,  as  he  had  the  same  habit  with 
everybody." 

You  should  never  present  yourself  at  a  large 
evening  party  without  having  your  hair  dressed 
and  curled.  Nothing  so  decidedly  gives  a  dressed 
air  to  the  figure  as  well-arranged  hair ;  and  with- 
out it,  the  best  and  most  elegant  apparel  misses 
its  effect.  The  chin  should  also  be  very  newly 
reaped.  We  often  meet  young  men  in  society, 
whose  beards,  if  they  are  not  so  long  as  that  of 
John  Mayo,  the  painter  of  Charles  V.,  who  could 
tread  upon  it  as  he  stood  erect,  and  who  gene- 
rally fastened  it  by  a  riband  to  his  button-hole, 
nor  so  wild  as  that  of  the  Snowdoun  bard,  whose 
hair  "  streamed  like  a  meteor  to  the  troubled  air," 
are  yet  negligent  enough  to  display  a  very  offen- 
sive degree  of  carelessness.  To  all  applications 
on  the  part  of  such  persons  to  be  admitted  into 
company,  society  should  return  the  same  answer 
which  the  Chapter  of  Clermont  gave  to  William 
Duprat. 

D  23 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


Before  we  state  what  was  the  answer  which 
the  Chapter  of  Clermont  gave  to  William  Du- 
prat,  we  must  premise  that  beards  of  great  length 
had  at  one  period  come  into  fashion  in  France, 
and  especially  among  the  clergy ;  and  in  conse- 
quence of  this,  capitular  statutes  were  framed  in 
some  of  the  French  cathedrals  against  an  orna- 
ment that  savoured  so  much  of  vanity  and  world- 
liness.  The  eminent  prelate  whom  we  have 
named,  after  distinguishing  himself  at  the  Coun- 
cil of  Trent,  was  made  bishop  of  Clermont.  He 
had  cherished  for  years  a  full  and  flowing  beard, 
which  he  valued  at  a  Pope's  ransom.  When  the 
period  of  his  induction  had  arrived,  he  went  in 
state  to  take  possession  of  his  cathedral,  but 
found  to  his  astonishment  that  the  gates  of  the 
chancel  were  shut  against  him,  and  through  the 
lattice-work  he  perceived  three  members  of  the 
chapter  waiting  to  receive  him  in  a  manner  not 
the  most  gratifying  to  his  pride.  One  of  the  trio 
held  in  his  hand  a  razor,  another  a  pair  of  scis- 
26 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


sors,  and  a  third  the  book  of  statutes  of  the 
church  of  Clermont,  opened  at  these  words — 
"  de  harhis  rasis.^^  The  bishop  remonstrated  with 
earnestness,  and  observed,  that  though  he  should 
be  willing  to  comply  with  the  statutes,  yet  the 
sanctity  of  the  Sabbath  ought  to  dispense  with 
the  operation  for  the  present.  But  all  that  he 
could  urge  availed  him  nothing.  The  answer 
that  the  canons  still  returned  to  him  was,  "  Be 

SHAVED,    OR    STAY    OUT ! " 

A  prudent  man,  when  he  buys  a  new  coat,  will 
always  get  one  of  a  different  colour  from  his  last 
one.  If  he  bought  a  new  one  of  the  same  colour, 
he  would  get  no  credit  for  it, — except  on  the 
books  of  his  tailor. 

Some  persons  adopt  with  very  good  effect  a 
style  of  costume  which  Walpole  calls  a  "  puff- 
dress,"  consisting  in  an  apparel  so  much  beneath 
decency  as  to  excite  attention  and  gain  notoriety. 
When  well  sustained,  it  is  a  trick  that  takes  well 
with  the  mob.  A  distinguished  general  in  the 
27 


PERSONAL   APPEARANCE. 


British  army,  in  the  last  century,  is  reported  to 
have  dressed  habitually  in  a  very  fantastic  man- 
ner, in  order,  as  he  sometimes  told  his  intimates, 
that  when  people  inquired,  "  Who  is  that  old 
fool,  dressed  in  such  a  ridiculous  style  1"  his 
friends  might  reply,  "That  is  the  famous  Gene- 
ral   ,  vi'ho  took  such  a  place  during  the  last 

war ;  a  man  of  infinite  valour !" 

Fashion  in  dress  has  been  wittily  and  pretty 
truly  defined  "  a  shift  to  which  tailors  resort  to 
make  men  get  new  clothes  before  their  old  ones 
are  worn  out."  Those  who  are  leaders  in  the 
gay  world  and  have  sense  enough  to  value  eco- 
nomy in  expenditure,  are  often  behind  the  exam- 
ple of  people  of  less  ton,  who  have  not  courage 
enough  to  resist  the  institutes  of  their  trades- 
men ;  and  the  former  often  struggle  to  retard  the 
entrance  of  a  new  fashion,  until  their  coats  are 
ready  to  be  laid  aside.  Before  getting  new 
clothes  you  should  enquire  whether  any  new 
fashions  are  likely  soon  to  come  up,  and  you 
28 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE. 


should  judge  whether  such  fashions  will  proba- 
bly be  rapidly  adopted,  and  if  the  matter  be 
doubtful  you  should  wait  a  little  while  till  you 
can  determine  more  easily.  Always  have  your 
coat  made  fully  in  the  mode,  if  not  a  touch  be- 
yond it ;  for  that  will  not  cost  you  a  whit  more 
than  a  plain  coat,  while  it  carries  to  the  eye  an 
appearance  of  more  expense. 

It  is  becoming  usual  to  wear  the  hair  long  and 
curled  behind,  and  this  will  increase  till  we  shall 
rival  the  custom  of  two  centuries  since.  When 
perruques  first  came  into  France,  men  fond  of 
dress,  and  very  choice  and  costly  in  that  article, 
were  often  seen  parading  the  open  streets  with 
their  hats  in  their  hands,  for  fear  of  disturbing 
the  architecture  of  their  curls.  If  the  fashion 
goes  much  farther  in  this  country,  we  shall  be 
compelled  to  adopt  a  similar  plan. 

29 


TITLE    II. 
OF  THE  GENERAL  MANNER. 


Few  to  good-breeding  make  a  just  pretence; 
Good-breeding  is  the  blossom  of  good  sense  : 
The  last  result  of  an  accomplish'd  mind, 
With  outward  grace,  the  body's  virtue,  join'd. 

Young. 


There  is  a  good-breeding  of  the  mind  and 
heart,  and  a  good-breeding  of  the  behaviour  and 
conduct.  All  of  the  former  is  instinctive ;  most 
of  the  latter  is  conventional.  The  one  inspires 
our  sentiments  and  informs  our  thoughts ;  the 
other  regulates  our  manner  and  suggests  our 
action. 

The   good-breeding   of  which  we   at  present 

speak,  is,  in  some  sort,  natural ;  yet  it  does  not 

follow  that  it  comes  by  gaping.    There  are  many 

plants  which  are  as  genuine  as  the  herb  of  the 

31 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


desert,  and  yet  will  not  flourish  save  in  the  rich- 
est soil  and  under  the  extremest  culture.  In 
every  profession,  especially  in  its  highest  and 
most  interior  regions,  there  is  found  prevailing 
a  contrived  system  of  principles  which  control 
opinion  and  are  the  standard  of  judgment:  but 
when  this  system  is  examined  and  tried,  it  is 
found  to  be  the  best  and  truest  expression  of  na- 
ture. When  Lord  Coke  assures  his  readers  that 
the  Common  Law  is  the  perfection  of  reason,  he 
takes  care  to  tell  them  that  it  is  not  derived  from 
the  sense  of  common  men,  but  is  "  the  artificial 
perfection  of  reason,"  which  has  been  fined  and 
refined  by  the  ingenuity  of  an  infinite  number  of 
wise  and  grave  men.  In  like  manner  the  ele- 
vated sentiments  and  principles  of  honour  which 
pervade  the  breasts  of  high-bred  men  are  purified 
and  filtrated  to  that  degree  of  clearness,  that 
when  first  presented  to  the  mind  they  occur  to  it 
as  artificial. 
Good-breeding  is  like  religion  ;  it  is  sanc- 
33 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


tioned,  but  not  suggested,  by  nature.  The 
promptings  of  nature  are  all  selfish ;  the  princi- 
ples of  good-breeding  are  founded  in  generosity 
We  must  educate  ourselves  into  those  feelings 
which  teach  iis  to  consult  the  welfare  and  comfort 
of  others,  and  to  bow  ourselves  to  the  restraints 
of  honour.  It  is  only  by  discipline  and  effort 
that  we  can  attain  to  that  elevation  of  character. 
But  high  as  the  result  may  be,  it  is  always  obe- 
dient to  those  endeavours ;  and  every  man  may 
take  home  to  himself  the  assurance  that  time 
and  toil  will  enable  him  to  reach  the  last  and 
loftiest  conclusions  in  that  department.  The 
transmutation  of  the  ignoble  aims  and  notions  of 
the  nursery  into  the  chivalrous  air  and  aspirations 
of  a  gentleman,  is  as  wide,  yet  as  practicable,  as 
the  change  from  the  savageness  of  Kamskatka 
to  the  elegant  luxuriance  of  Circassia;  in  either 
case,  the  progress  is  by  steps.  With  time  and 
patience,  says  an  Eastern  proverb,  the  leaf  of 
the  mulberry-tree  becomes  satin. 
E  33 


GENERAL  MANNER. 

'*  'f^  true,  there  is  a  class  of  mortals,  upon 
whose  mental  birth  the  Graces  have  not  smiled  ; 
and  who  seem  to  be  hopeless  subjects  of  this 
art.  They  are  the  non-elect  of  courtliness.  After 
every  effort  they  must  at  last  be  abandoned  to  a 
reprobate  manner.  There  is  truth  in  the  saying-, 
"  Ex  quovis  ligno  non  fit  Mercurius."  There 
are  many  natural  faculties  of  the  mind  that  have 
never  been  named  ;  and  arhong  them  is  the  sense 
of  delicacy  in  action.  M.  Rohault  was  one  day 
endeavouring  to  convey  to  a  blind  man  a  notion 
of  light.  After  a  long  explanation,  "  Stop,"  said 
the  blind  man  :  "  I  understand  you  now ;  is  not 
light  made  of  the  same  substance  as  sugar?" — 
It  is  equally  difficult  to  give  some  men  notions 
of  refinement.       , 

There  are  certain  sentiments  of  inherent  ex- 
cellence which  should  be  deeply  lodged  in  the 
mmd,  and  become  the  fond  on  which  the  lighter 
graces  of  mode  may  be  afterwards  woven.  And 
what  are  the  qualities  that  are  thus  fundamental  ? 
3i 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


...  In  a  noble  discourse  "  On  Diligence  'n  our 
calling-  as  Gentlemen,"  Dr.  Barrow,  who  there 
presents  us  with  the  finest  definition  and  most 
complete  and  eloquent  picture  that  was  ever 
given  of  a  gentleman,*  pronounces  the  most  es- 
sential attributes  of  the  character  he  would  extol, 
to  be  Courtesy  and  Courage  ;  "  which  he  that 
wanteth,  is  not  otherwise  than  equivocally  a  gen- 
tleman, as  an  image  or  carkase  is  a  man;  with- 
out which,  gentility  in  a  conspicuous  degree  is 
no  more  than  a  vain  show  and  empty  name."  If 
between  these  virtues,  of  which  the  former 
teaches  us  what  is  due  to  our  fellows,  and  the 


*  It  is  certainly  an  exalted  tribute  to  the  merits  of  the 
character  which  we  seek  to  recommend,  that  this  illustrious 
prelate  should  deem  that  no  fairer  or  fuller  exhibition  of  the 
perfection  of  Christian  qualities  could  be  furnished  than  by 
a  selection  of  the  several  models  of  gentlemanliness  pre- 
sented by  the  history  before  him.  He  exhorts  his  audience 
to  emulate  the  example  of  "  those  noMe  gentlemen,  Abra- 
ham and  Lot,"  in  being  hospitable;  of  "  that  brave  gentle- 
man,  Moses,"  in  spreading  peace  and  good  order,  and  of 
"divers  gallant  gentlemen,  Joseph,  Samuel,  Daniel,  Morde- 
cay"  and  others  in  being  patriotic. 

35 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


latter  tells  us  what  is  due  to  our  station,  we  in- 
sert Dignity,  which  will  inform  us  of  what  is 
due  to  ourselves,  we  shall  complete  the  triple 
tiara  which  crowns  as  infallible  the  character  of 
a  gentleman. 

Courtesy  is  a  habit  of  which  the  cultivation 
is  recommended  by  the  weightiest  and  most  nu- 
merous motives.  We  are  led  to  it  by  the  gene- 
rous purpose  of  advancing  the  happiness  of 
others,  and  the  more  personal  one  of  making 
ourselves  liked  and  courted.  When  we  see  how 
the  demagogue  is  driven  to  affect  it,  we  learn 
how  valuable  the  reality  will  be  to  us.  "  It  is 
like  grace  and  beauty,"  says  Montaigne ;  "  it 
begets  regard  and  an  inclination  to  love  one  at 
the  first  sight,  and  in  the  very  beginning  of  an 
acquaintance."  There  is  something,  too,  which 
all  admit  to  be  eminently  respectable  in  the  prac- 
tice of  unfailing  courtesy ;  and  in  favour  of  such 
a  man,  an  esteem  which  is  the  abiding  growth 
of  judgment,  will  be  engrafted  on  the  first  in- 
36 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


stinctive  liking.  A  hasty  glance  around  any  cir- 
cle of  society,  will  discover  many  who,  of  tne 
respect  and  affection  of  their  fellows,  are  tenants 
by  the  courtesy  of  their  conduct. 

A  man's  pride  should  dwell  in  his  principles 
and  not  in  his  demeanour.  He  should  be  above 
thinking  anything  which  may  be  unworthy  of 
his  nature,  and  above  doing  anything  which  may 
lessen  his  character  or  impair  his  honour;  but 
he  should  not  be  above  illustrating  his  rank 
and  breeding  by  gentleness  and  kindness.  Boi- 
leau  has  observed  with  admirable  truth  and  ele- 
gance, that  pride  of  mind  is  the  characteristic 
of  men  of  honour ;  but  that  pride  of  air  and 
manner  is  the  certain  mark  of  fools.  This  is 
well  understood  in  those  countries  where  life  has 
attained  its  best  refinement  and  its  truest  footing; 
and  whoever  will  make  trial  of  society  abroad, 
will  find  that  the  higher  he  ascends  in  rank,  the 
more  bland  and  kindly  the  manner  becomes. 
Among  people  of  the  same  standing,  suavity  is 
87 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


in  proportion  to  sense ;  among  those  of  equal 
sense,  it  is  in  proportion  to  the  standing.  Haxi- 
teur  invariably  indicates  a  man  who  in  imagina- 
tion raises  himself  to  a  higher  platform  than  that 
on  which  he  really  exists ;  and  such  a  habit  is 
utterly  inconsistent  with  sincere  greatness.  It  is 
plain  to  a  glance  that  arrogance  and  incivility 
can  never  be  the  test  of  good-breeding  ;  for  that 
is  a  display  in  which  the  roughest  and  most 
violent  will  always  vanquish  the  refined, — nay, 
which  would  place  the  rudest  clown  above  the 
highest  duke. 

Contempt  and  haughtiness  are  never  wise  and 
never  politic.  Pride  is  a  losing  game,  play  it 
with  whom  you  please.  Courtesy  is  the  only 
way  to  deal  with  the  courteous,  and  the  best  way 
to  deal  with  the  rude.  "  There  is  nothing,  so 
'savage  and  uncouth,"  remarked  De  Grammont, 
"  that  a  little  care,  attention,  and  complaisance 
will  not  tame  it  into  civility." 

In  dealing  with  men  in  the  haunts  of  busi 
38 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


ness,  suspect  them  as  much  as  you  please,  and 
bully  them  as  much  as  you  dare ;  but  in  meeting 
them  in  society,  give  them  credit  for  every  vir- 
tue, and  weed  from  your  mind  every  thought  that 
derogates  from  the  dignity  of  life.  The  maxims 
of  Rochefoucauld  are  true,  everywhere ;  but  we 
should  degenerate  into  the  wildness  of  beasts  if 
we  practised  them  in  the  drawing-room.  Let  us 
admit  them  where  we  must,  and  escape  from 
them  when  we  can.  In  our  proceedings  as  traf- 
fickers or  as  politicians,  we  may  cultivate  cun- 
ning as  far  as  may  be  expedient;  but  in  our 
intercourse  as  gentlemen  we  should  aspire  to 
"  that  candid  greatness  of  mind,  which  is  above 
fear,  and  above  suspicion ;  which  thinks  well, 
even  too  well,  of  others,  because  conscious  of  no 
depraving  weakness,  no  habit  of  detraction  or 
misconstruction  in  itself." 

Many  persons,    not   very   familiar  with    the 
world  or  not  endowed  with  very  strong  under- 
39 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


Standing,  apply  themselves  with  the  best  possi- 
ble intentions  to  fulfil  what  they  suppose  to  be 
good-breeding,  and  become  precise  and  etiquettish 
to  an  intolerable  degree.  Supposing  that  cour- 
tesy consists  in  what  is  done  to  others,  rather 
than  in  the  manner  in  which  it  is  done,  they  play 
off  upon  them  all  the  formalities  of  respect  which 
they  can  contrive  or  remember ;  and  thus  become 
tiresome  and  annoying  beyond  endurance.  That 
jeligious  exactitude  of  manner  may  in  form  and 
origin  be  not  very  distant  from  the  courtesy 
which  we  commend ;  but  its  effect  is  directly 
opposite ;  the  one  being  as  tedious  as  the  other 
is  delightful.  "  Nothing,"  says  St.  Evremond, 
'  is  more  honourable  and  pleasant  than  civility, 
cind  nothing  more  ridiculous  and  burthensome 
ihan  ceremony.  Civility  teaches  us  to  behave 
with  proportionate  respect  to  every  body,  accord- 
mg  as  their  rank  requires  and  their  merit  de- 
ii lands.  In  other  words,  civility  is  the  science 
tf  men  of  the  world.  A  person  of  good  address, 
40 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


who  conducts  himself  with  due  circumspection, 
conciliates  the  love  and  esteem  of  society,  be- 
cause every  one  finds  himself  easy  in  his  com- 
pany ;  but  a  ceremonious  man  is  the  plague  of 
all  his  acquaintance.  Such  a  one  displays  and 
requires  too  much  attention  to  be  a  pleasant  asso- 
ciate ;  is  too  seldom  satisfied  with  what  is  paid 
him,  and  every  moment  feels  his  pride  hurt  oy 
the  want  of  some  frivolous  etiquette.  Ceremony 
was  invented  by  pride,  to  harass  men  with  pue- 
rile solicitudes  which  they  should  blush  to  be 
conversant  with." 

The  "  rudeness  which  springs  from  being  over- 
civil,"  as  Montaigne  calls  it,  is  the  natural  fault 
of  those  who  have  acquired  their  manners  from 
theory  rather  than  usage.  It  affects  those  who 
live  much  alone  and  mingle  seldom  with  the 
world.  The  same  reason  explains  the  truth  of 
Count  Hamilton's  remark,  that  "  ceremony,  car- 
ried beyond  all  bearing,  is  the  grand  character- 
F  41 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


istick  of  country  gentry."      How  often  do  wo 
meet  high-born  dowagers  of  the  last  age, 

Who,  through  good-breeding,  are  ill  company; 
Whose  manners  will  not  let  their  'larum  cease, 
Who  think  you  are  unhappy  when  at  peace. 

Courtesy,  however  noble  a  quality  it  is,  should 
never  extend  beyond  the  limits  of  dignity.  We 
must  not  make  ourselves  contemptible,  to  make 
others  comfortable.  Courtesy  is  most  safe  when 
confined  to  manner ;  when  it  extends  to  action, 
it  is  apt  either  to  prove  an  impertinence,  or  to  be 
mistaken  for  sycophancy.  To  wait  till  a  favour 
is  asked  for  and  then  to  grant  it  to  the  required 
extent,  excites  a  sounder  gratitude,  than  to  anti- 
cipate or  outrun  one's  wants.  Those  who  have 
seen  much  of  the  world,  will  think  that  there  is 
some  truth  in  Lady  Graveair's  complaint,  that 
"  the  more  people  strive  to  oblige  people,  the  less 
they  are  thank'd  for  it."  In  society  there  are 
many  persons,  amongst  the  thoughtless  or  inso- 
lent, who  will  take  liberties  with  one  who  does 
42 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


not  sometimes  act  upon  the  defensive  :  to  such  it 
is  necessary  occasionally  to  show  frigidness  or 
indifference.  Nay,  there  are  those,  especially 
among  the  low-born  English  who  often  find  their 
way  into  good  company  in  this  country,  whom  it 
is  necessary  to  treat  with  rudeness,  if  you  would 
have  them  acknowledge  your  just  claims. 

Courage  is  a  quality  without  which  courtesy 
becomes  despicable  and  dignity  ridiculous.  It 
lies  not  merely  in  a  contempt  of  danger  and  an 
indifference  to  hardship ;  it  includes  a  boldness 
of  heart  to  attempt  everything  that  is  honourable, 
and  a  stoutness  of  temper  to  endure  everything 
in  support  of  what  is  right.  To  pursue,  instantly, 
the  suggestion  of  an  honest  wish,  and  to  stand 
firmly  by  the  conclusions  of  a  sound  judgment, 
should  be  the  resolution  of  every  reasonable  man. 
That  was  a  noble  motto  which  Marigny  read 
upon  some  ancient  swords  at  Bombora  in  Cir- 
cassia,  which  were  probably  relics  of  the  cru- 
sades :  "  Ne  me  tire  pas  sans  raison,  et  ne  me 
43 


GENERAL  MANNER. 

remets  pas  sans  honneur."  To  yearn  for  what 
we  dare  not  reach,  or  to  approve  what  we  dare 
not  defend,  is  a  condition  of  mind  to  which  the 
bitterest  hater  might  exult  to  reduce  his  foe. 
Courage,  says  Barrow,  is  not  seen  in  a  flaunting 
garb,  or  strutting  deportment ;  nor  in  hectorly, 
ruffian-like  swaggering  or  huffing;  nor  in  high 
looks  or  big  words ;  but  in  stout  and  gallant 
deeds,  employing  vigour  of  mind  and  heart  to 
achieve  them. 

We  have  thus  very  briefly  named  the  promi- 
nent properties  which  every  gentleman  should 
endeavour  to  attach  to  his  character.  Having 
resolved  that  no  man  shall  charge  a  rudeness 
upon  him,  and  no  man  take  an  undue  familiarity 
with  him,  let  him  proceed  in  the  fulfilment  of  his 
duty,  "  unawed  by  menace,  regardless  of  strata- 
gem, and  dreading  no  consequence  but  that  of  a 
seared  conscience." 

One  of  the  first  requisites  for  success  and  hap- 
piness in  any  pursuit,  is  to  respect  the  profession 
44 


GENERAL  MANNER 


which  you  have  undertaken, — to  be  persuaded 
that  it  is  worthy  of  your  best  powers,  and  that 
your  best  attention  must  be  applied  to  its  duties. 
Pride  is  the  refuge  in  which  cowardice  often  con- 
ceals itself.  Many  labour  to  persuade  themselves 
that  success  in  society  is  beneath  their  ambition, 
when  they  more  sincerely  think  that  it  is  beyond 
their  power.  Both  conclusions  are  false ;  but  the 
former,  besides,  is  foolish.  Let  a  man  assure 
himself,  first,  that  success  is  worth  labouring  for, 
and  then  that  it  is  capable  of  being  gained  by 
labour.  Let  him  never  go  into  society  with  a 
lazy  or  droning  mind.  The  intellect  must  be 
excited  and  strained,  and  then  it  will  do  great 
things.  "  Cogenda  mens  est,  ut  incipiat,"  says 
Seneca.  Constraint  of  mind  is  necessary  to  its 
fair  and  proper  action. 

It  is  certainly  a  great  error  to  despise  the  parts 

of  those  who   are  leaders   in   fashion,   however 

frivolous   the   practices  of  that  empire  may  be 

deemed.     Success   in   any  profession   that  has 

45 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


many  unsuccessful  candidates,  proves  ability  of 
some  sort.  If  it  be  not  in  the  understanding,  it 
may  reside  in  the  temper  ;  and  if  not  in  the  fine- 
ness of  the  temper,  then  its  audacity.  The  Duke 
of  Mantua  remarked  to  Cardinal  Du  Perron  that 
a  jester  he  retained  in  his  service,  M^as  a  fellow 
of  no  wit :  "  Your  Grace  must  pardon  me,"  re- 
plied the  Cardinal ;  "  I  think  he  must  have  a 
great  deal  of  wit,  who  can  live  by  a  trade  he 
does  not  understand."  If  a  man  is  a  notorious 
fool  in  conversation,  he  must  possess  uncommon 
talent  in  action,  to  place  himself,  with  that  de- 
ficiency, at  the  head  of  fashion. 

Absence  of  mind  should  be  most  carefully 
shunned,  both  in  conversation  and  action.  In  the 
former  it  makes  a  man  odious  ;  in  the  latter,  ridi- 
culous. Through  this  defect,  an  amiable  and 
well-meaning  man  is  often  led  to  inflict  great 
pain  and  produce  unpleasant  predicaments,  by 
acts  and  allusions  which  wound  the  tenderest  or 
the  sorest  feelings.  La  Fontaine  was  the  most 
46 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


complete  professor  of  this  species  of  awkvvard- 
less,  that  modern  times  have  known.  He  once 
attended  the  funeral  of  a  gentleman,  and  called 
the  next  day  to  enquire  how  he  did.  Walpole 
lells  a  story  of  a  clergyman  at  Oxford  in  his 
lays,  who  was  generally  very  distrait.  As  he 
*A'as  going  one  day  to  read  prayers,  he  heard  a 
showman  in  the  High  street,  who  had  a  collec- 
tion of  wild  beasts,  say  frequently,  "  Walk  in 
\vithout  loss  of  time.  All  alive  !  alive  !  Ho  ! " 
Che  sounds  were  running  in  his  head,  after  he 
liad  reached  the  reading-desk,  and  when  he  came 
■-o  the  words  in  the  opening  of  the  service,  "  and 
ioeth  that  which  is  lawful  and  right,  he  shall 
save  his  soul  alive,"  he  called  out  with  a  loud 
voice,  to  the  amazement  of  his  congregation, 
"shall  save  his  soul  alive  !  all  alive  !  ho  !  " 

A  man  should  make  it  a  point  to  avoid  all  sin- 
gularity of  manner.     Unconscious  eccentricity  is 
?.  defect  which  every  one  should  labour  to  over- 
come ;  and  every  voluntary  attempt   to  deviate 
47 


GENERAL  MANNER, 


from  the  usual  manner  of  doing  ordinary  acts,  is 
a  foible  unworthy  of  a  man  of  sense.  In  con- 
duct and  in  speech,  the  rule  of  good  sense,  sa5'^s 
Lord  Brougham,  is  to  do  common  things  in  the 
common  way.  For  another  reason  than  good 
taste,  it  should  be  shunned  by  a  man  of  the 
world.  All  singularity  of  sentiment  or  conduct 
dissociates  man  from  man,  and  repels  and  is 
repelled. 

In  almost  every  profession  it  will  be  found  that 
the  last  perfection  of  art  approaches  to  the  first 
directness  and  simplicity  of  nature.  It  is  so  with 
manner.  From  the  direct  style  of  the  cottage, 
you  advance  to  the  fussy  manner  of  the  tenth- 
rate  cit;  in  abetter  atmosphere,  you  meet  formal, 
ostentatious,  laborious  or  conciliating  manners, 
till  in  the  regions  of  the  highest  refinement  you 
again  fall  in  with  the  calm  and  natural.  As 
Plautus  says,  Mulier  tum  bene  olet,  ubi  nihil 
olet,  no  perfume  is  the  best  perfume,  so  the  best 
48 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


manner  is  that  which  is  the  plainest  and  most 
simple. 

A  young  man,  during  the  first  years  of  his 
entrance  into  company,  should  direct  his  eflforts 
and  attention  chiefly  to  women.  Among  them 
he  should  spend  his  time,  and  with  them  should 
become  as  familiar  as  possible.  It  is  by  intimate 
society  with  accomplished  women,  that  men  be- 
come accomplished.  Polished  women  are  like 
the  loadstone,  which  not  only  attracts  the  steel 
which  comes  near,  but  imparts  to  it,  its  own 
attractive  power.  Men,  like  chameleons,  take 
their  hue  from  what  they  lie  on.  We  catch  from 
their  spirit,  by  a  sort  of  magnetic  communica- 
tion, "  those  nameless  graces  which  no  methods 
teach." 

For  prevailing  with  people,  one  must  be  con- 
tinual and  persevering.  What  cannot  be  taken 
by  storm,  will  yield  to  constancy.  Celio  Calcag- 
nini,  a  Ferrarese,  entitled  an  essay  wh.ch  he 
wrote  on  the  life  of  courtiers,  "A  treatise  co  pa- 
G  49 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


lience."  Frequent,  extremely,  those  whom  yoti 
would  win.  Use  and  habituation  have  a  vast 
deal  to  do  with  liking.  Apuleius,  in  his  tale  of 
Psyche,  has  wisely  introduced  Custom  into  the 
train  of  Venus,  as  one  of  the  ministers  of  love. 
Your  much  presence  creates  the  necessity  of 
your  continued  presence,  and  there  will  be  a 
sense  of  vacuity  when  you  are  gone.  In  friend- 
ship, the  statute  of  limitations  is  narrow. 

In  society,  a  clergyman  should  carry  his  order, 
as  he  does  his  title,  as  a  prefix ;  others  should 
carry  their  profession,  as  they  do  their  descrip- 
tion, behind  them. 

The  qualities  which  are  requisite  to  adorn  the 
character  of  a  gentleman,  are  well  summed  up  in 
the  description  which  is  given  of  a  pleader  in  the 
Assizes  of  Jerusalem,  written  in  the  eleventh 
century.  "  II  convient  a  celui  qui  est  bon  plei- 
doir  et  soutill,  que  il  ne  soit  doutif,  ne  esbay,  ne 
hontous,  ne  hatif,  ne  nonchaillant."  "A  good 
pleader,"  says  that  quaint  authority,  "  should  be 
50 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


exempt  from  the  faults  of  indecision,  timidity, 
false  shame,  haste,  and  nonchalance." 

It  is  well  remarked  by  Southey,  that  if  easy 
and  graceful  manners  are  not  acquired  in  early 
life,  they  will  scarcely  ever  be  possessed  at  all. 
The  sooner  a  person  makes  himself  familiar  with 
society,  the  more  thoroughly  and  readily  he  will 
gain  a  good  style.  Those  who  are  not  conversant 
with  the  drawing-room  in  youth,  form  such  ex- 
aggerated notions  of  the  awfulness  of  company, 
as  hang  by  them  and  embarrass  them  for  the  rest 
of  their  lives.  Then,  too,  the  mind  is  ductile, 
and  the  form  is  pliant,  to  receive  the  impressions 
of  sentiment  and  manner,  which  good-breeding 
offers. 

Udum,  et  molle  lutum  est ;  nunc,  nunc,  properandus,  et  acri 
Fingendus  sine  fine  rota. 

Pers. 

It  must  not  be  denied  that  to  all  men,  and  to 

the  young  peculiarly,  society  is  full  of  dangers. 

The  pleasures  which  it  holds  out,  must  be  tasted 

with  the  utmost  temperance  and  control,  if  they 

51 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


would  not  be  found  fatal.  But  what  condition 
of  life  can  be  suggested  which  is  not  perilous  to 
virtue"!  .  .  If  we  shut  up  ourselves  in  solitude, 
we  violate  the  most  earnest  and  feeling  injunc- 
tions of  the  moralists  from  Bacon  to  Johnson- 
When  alone,  man  is  left  to  strive 

With  demons,  who  impair 
The  strength  of  better  thoughts,  and  seek  their  prey 
In  melancholy  bosoms.* 

If  we  might  on  this  occasion,  reverentially, 
employ  the  divine  language,  we  would  say  that 
our  effort  should  be  not  to  take  ourselves  from 
the  world,  but  to  keep  ourselves  from  the  evil 
that  is  in  the  world.  With  bit  of  firmest  steel, 
let  us  snaffle  the  passions  that  would  drag  the 
car  of  life  down  the  precipice  of  moral  ruin. 
Let  Reason  be  sovereign,  and  not  suffragan,  of 

*The  note  of  Lord  Byron  on  this  passage  is  remarkable. 
"The  struggle  is  to  the  full  as  likely  to  be  with  demons  as 
with  our  better  thoughts.  Satan  chose  the  wilderness  foi 
the  temptation  of  our  Saviour.  And  our  unsullied  John 
Locke  preferred  the  presence  of  a  child  to  mere  solitude.'* 

52 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


Temptation.  Let  us,  at  the  outset,  link  our  be- 
ing to  the  shore  of  virtue,  by  cables  of  the  stern- 
est toughness,  and  daily  re-fix  the  ligature,  and 
we  may  then  trust  ourselves  to  float  upon  the 
stream.  The  wreck  of  him  that  is  drowned  in 
pleasure  is  the  most  complete  and  mournful  of 
any  that  is  cast  upon  the  strand  of  existence. 
The  picture  which  is  given  by  Burnet  of  the 
latter  days  of  the  Duke  of  Buckingham,  so  long 
*'  the  life  of  pleasure  and  the  soul  of  whim,"  is 
one  of  the  most  melancholy  that  history  contains, 
and  is  a  fit  pendant  to  Pope's  impressive  portrait 
of  his  end.  "  He  at  length,"  says  that  coarse  but 
faithful  painter,*  "  rained  both  body  and  mind, 
fortune  and  reputation  equally.  The  madness  of 
vice  appeared  in  his  person  in  very  eminent  in- 
stances ;  since  at  last  he  became  contemptible 
and  poor,  sickly  and  sunk  in  his  parts,  as  well  as 
tn  other  respects ;  so  that  his  conversation  was 
as  much  avoided  as  ever  it  had  been  courted." 

*  History  of  his  own  Times.    I.  137. 
53 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


He  who  has  resolved  to  mingle  gaily  in  the 
delights  of  society  should  be  convinced  that  there 
IS  scarcely  a  single  enjoyment  of  the  senses 
which  is  not  attended  by  some  penalty,  and  that 
each  of  the  careless  pleasures  that  he  wobs  is 
the  parent  of  some  serious  woe.  *  "  Our  plea- 
sant vices  are  but  whips  to  scourge  us." — "  The 
greatest  part  of  pleasures,"  says  Montaigne, 
"  wheedle  and  caress  only  to  strangle  us ;  like 
those  thieves  the  Egyptians  called  Philiste.  If 
the  headache  should  come  before  drunkenness, 
we  should  have  a  care  of  drinking  too  much :  but 
Pleasure,  to  deceive  us,  marches  before  and  con- 
ceals her  train." 

And  not  merely  the  end,  but  the  existence  of 
those  who  in  the  "  noon-tide  ray"  of  fashion 


*  A  powerful,— one  might  almost  say,  a  tremendous,— pic- 
ture of  the  results  of  a  life  of  pleasure  is  given  in  Dr. 
Young's  Centaur  not  Fabulous.  That  work  should  be  re« 
printed  every  lustrum,  and  disseminated  through  every  me- 
tropolis that  understands  the  language  in  which  it  is  written. 

54 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


Display  their  gaily-gilded  trim 
Q,uick-glancing  to  the  sun, 

is  often  wretched  enough.  The  glad  in  counte- 
nance and  the  gay  in  conduct,  are  many  times 
secretly  the  most  unhappy  of  men.  The  glitter 
and  racket  of  the  fashionable  world  cover  much 
that  is  miserable.  Melancthon  used  to  compare 
a  court-life  to  books  of  tragedies,  which  on  the 
outside  are  adorned  with  gold  and  purple  bmd- 
ings,  but  witliin  contain  tales  of  distress.* 

In  the  gay  world,  ridicule  is  the  thing  most 
carefully  to  be  shunned  ;  both  as  being  the  fate 
most  easily  there  incurred,  and  as  being  the  most 
severe  penalty  of  that  government. 

All  fools  have  still  an  itching  to  deride, 
And  fain  would  be  upon  the  laughing  side. 

Every  one  seeks  an  opportunity  to  laugh  at 

every  body  else,  and  nothing  that  is  ludicrous, 

however  respectable  or  venerable  it  may  be,  es- 

*  See  "  The  Revellers,"  by  Mrs.  Hemans, — a  poem  which, 
though  fantastic  enough  in  form,  and  having  more  than  her 
Dsual  exaggeration  of  sentiment,  contains  a  share  of  truth. 

55 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


capes  the  ridicule  of  the  girls  and  boys  who  oc- 
cupy the  front  seats  in  society.  We  cannot  be 
offended  at  this ;  it  is  the  quota  which  each  con- 
tributes to  the  general  mirth ;  damus,  petimusque 
vicissim.  To  avoid  it,  you  should  do  nothing 
that  is  singular ;  to  conquer  it  when  it  is  directed 
towards  you,  the  best  way  is  to  turn  back  the 
laugh  on  him  who  raised  it.  You  should  endea- 
vour, however,  to  profit  of  that  ridicule,  by  cor- 
recting in  accordance  with  it,  the  peculiarity 
which  gave  rise  to  it. 

Trust  not  yourself;  but  j'our  defects  to  know, 
Make  use  of  every  friend, — and  every  foe. 

In  society,  one  should  cultivate  versatility  of 
intellect  and  feeling,  and  not  brood  or  bore  upon 
a  single  track  or  subject.  A  man  who  maintains 
the  same  temper  during  intercourse  with  others, 
will  soon  become  tedious ;  and  when  it  is  known 
that  he  habitually  talks  on  one  subject  or  one 
class  of  subjects,  or  even  in  one  strain,  his  com- 
pany will  be  shunned  as  tiresome  and  heavy. 
56 


GEiXERAL  MANNER. 


For  many  reasons  of  pleasure  and  of  policy, 
't  is  a  good  rule  to  endeavour  usually  to  conciliate 
Ihe  young.  Johnson  has  said  that  as  time  is 
always  making  so  many  vacancies  in  the  friend- 
ahips  with  which  we  start  in  life,  and  disgust 
and  disappointment  are  diminishing  the  comfort 
with  which  the  survivors  cling  together,  every 
man  as  he  grows  old  should  seek  new  acquaint- 
ances among  those  who  are  his  juniors.  But  as 
a  matter  of  advantage  it  is  equally  necessary.  A 
jittle  attention  to  young  men  will  make  them 
your  adherents,  and  they  are  the  most  serviceable 
one  can  have  :  they  are  ardent,  unscrupulous, 
and  ready  to  do  any  labour.  This  is  a  policy 
familiar  to  many  great  statesmen. 

Whoever  would  attain  eminence  as  a  man  of 
fashion,  must  keep  himself  prominent  in  the  eye 
of  society.  If  he  cannot  procure  to  be  spoken 
of  well,  which  is  difficult  where  one  is  spoken 
of  much,  he  should  do  what  will  make  people 
abuse  him.  Notoriety  is  more  easily  transmuted 
H  57 


GENERAL  MANNER. 


into  good  fame,  than  obscurity  is  created  into  it. 

Boileau,  we  are  told,  was  never  grieved  when 

his  books  were  abused  on  their  first  appearance ; 

observing  with  great  truth,  "  that  there  were  no 

books  so  bad  as  those  which  no  one  spoke  of  at 

all."     Let  a  man  of  fashion  do  things  which  are 

extravagant   and   in   bad   taste,  and  many  will 

abuse  him ;  but  others  will  take  his  part,  and  on 

the  breath  of  a  faction  he  will  be  raised  to  the 

highest  renown  and  popularity.     "When  Alcibi- 

ades  cut  off  the  fine  tail  of  his  dog,  he  well  knew 

what  benefit  that  would  do  him  in  the  fashion  of 

Athens. 

There  is  nothing  more  diligently  to  be  avoided 

than  every  species  of  affectation.     It  is  always 

detected  ;   and  it  always  disgusts.     It  is  often 

found   among  people   of  fashion.      Now,   as   a 

hundred  years  since, 

Wants  of  all  kind?  are  made  to  fame  a  plea; 
One  learns  to  lisp,  another  not  to  see. 

To  endeavour  to  be  thought  possessed  of  vicea 
58 


GENERAL  MANNER 


or  defects,  is  a  form  of  vanity ;  and  one  of  the 
most  ignoble.  A  man  of  sense  will  always  re- 
solve to  present  himself  to  the  world  in  his  real 
character ;  to  do  nothing  that  is  not  genuine,  and 
say  nothing  save  in  a  natural  manner.  To  strive 
to  be  deemed  better  than  we  are,  may  be  par- 
doned as  an  instinctive  aspiration ;  but  to  wish 
to  be  thought  beneath  our  real  character,  "  shows 
a  pitiful  ambition  in  the  fool  that  uses  it."  "  To 
"jig,  to  amble,  and  lisp,  and  nickname  God's 
creatures,"  is  a  trick  by  which  the  frivolous 
would  escape  contempt  by  sinking  beneath  it. 
59 


TITLE   III. 
OF  CERTAIN  POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


Mores  cuique  sui  fingunt  fortunam. 

CORNELIDS   NePOS. 

Mihi  sic  usus  est:  tibi,  ut  opua  est  facto,  face. 

Ter. 


The  formalities  of  g-ood-breeding  will  always 
be  kept  up  by  those  who  remember  that  much  of 
the  distinction  of  a  gentleman  is  merely  conven- 
tional, and  that  it  is  so  intimately  connected  with 
etiquette  that  it  can  scarcely  support  itself  with- 
out it.  Religion  could  not  be  sustained  without 
the  aid  of  superstition,  which  defends  by  the 
name  of  sanctity  the  remotest  passes  to  faith ; 
in  like  condition,  etiquette^  which  is  the  supersti- 
tion of  manner,  is  requisite  to  give  to  the  char- 
acter of  a  gentleman  that  importance  and  mys- 
tery which  are  necessary  to  its  respectability. 
61 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


Lord  Herbert  of  Cherbury  tells  a  story  of  a  Span- 
ish ambassador  who  abandoned  a  congress  be- 
cause he  could  not  get  precedence  of  the  French 
envoy.  On  returning  to  his  court,  he  waited  on 
the  king,  and  explained  his  conduct.  "What!" 
said  the  monarch,  "could  you  think  of  abandon- 
ing such  an  important  business  for  the  sake  of  a 
ceremony?"  The  ambassador,  piqued  at  that 
remark,  exclaimed,  "  A  ceremony  1  what  is  your 
majesty  yourself  but  a  ceremony?" 

Another  reason  which  makes  it  w^orth  while  to 
know  these  forms  and  to  keep  them  up,  is,  that 
they  constitute,  as  it  were,  the  attire  and  symbols 
by  which  a  gentleman  is  recognized*under  cir- 
cumstances which  prevent  the  display  of  his 
character  by  any  other  method.  Of  good-breed- 
ing as  exhibited  in  conduct,  the  transient  inter- 
course of  ordinary  society  show^s  but  little  ;  and 
even  the  conversation  that  passes  between  people 
in  a  drawing-room  is  so  brief  and  trifling,  that 
we  are  obliged  to  form  our  opinion  of  the  stand 
62 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING 


mg  and  refinement  of  most  persons  from  petty 
lets  that  pass  before  our  eye,  and  from  the  gene- 
ral familiarity  that  is  displayed  with  the  tone  and 
usages  of  high  life. 

A  man  of  fashion  ought  to  congratulate  him- 
self upon  the  difficulties  of  his  profession,  and 
upon  the  thorny  hedge  of  etiquette  by  which  it  is 
encircled  and  guarded  ;  they  add  to  the  glory  of 
his  success,  and  prevent  others  from  coming  in 
and  diminishing  the  distinctness  and  separate- 
ness  of  liis  position.  The  dread  of  failure  in 
points  of  social  usage,  is  like  the  gallows  which 
the  thief  justly  said  was  the  only  support  of  his 
trade.  There  was  great  sagacity  in  the  conduct 
of  the  usurer  at  Vicenza,  who  called  on  the  par- 
son of  the  parish  and  desired  him  to  preach  a 
sermon  against  the  practice  of  the  vice  of  usury. 
The  priest,  who  knew  his  character,  asked  the 
reasons  of  that  request.  "  There  are  so  many 
persons  in  this  parish  who  follow  my  calling," 
replied  the  money-lender,  "  that  I  gain  little  by 
63 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


it ;  but  should  your  sermon  correct  and  restrain 
this  practice,  I  should  then  enjoy  my  profession 
alone." 

In  the  intercourse  of  social  life,  the  importance 
of  little  things  is  very  great.  Trifles  are  capable 
of  expressing  a  greater  degree  both  of  regard  and 
disregard,  than  larger  actions.  If  you  are  atten- 
tive in  trivial  affairs,  it  is  said  your  regard  ex- 
tends even  to  the  smallest  considerations;  if  you 
are  neglectful  in  light  and  unimportant  matters, 
it  is  observed  that  you  have  not  enough  respect 
to  be  civil  even  in  the  minutest  concerns.  That 
person  who  picked  up  the  hat  of  Mr.  Madison  at 
the  flight  of  Bladensburgh,  exhibited  an  abase- 
ment of  flattery  which  it  would  have  been  diffi- 
cult to  exceed  :  and  that  minister  who  refused  to 
take  up  Napoleon's  when  he  had  dropped  it  in 
the  council-chamber  as  a  test  of  the  considera- 
tion he  was  held  in,  displayed  a  thoroughness  of 
indifference  which  assured  the  emperor  that  his 
fate  was  sealed. 

64 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


We  shall  here  set  down,  without  order  or  con- 
nexion, some  points  of  etiquette  necessary  to  be 
known  and  practised  by  him  who  would  be  well- 
bred  in  manner. 

When  company  enter  the  room  at  an  evening 
party  or  ball,  the  gentleman  of  the  house  should 
go  up  and  bow  to  them  before  they  present  them- 
selves to  the  lady.*  He  may  mention  to  them  in 
what  part  of  the  room  they  will  find  the  lady  of 
the  house,  if  she  is  not  directly  in  their  view ; 
but  he  should  not  conduct  and  accompany  them 
up  to  her,  as  is  often  done  by  persons  of  inferior 
breeding  who  wish  to  be  polite.  That  this  is  an 
error  will  be  seen  by  reflecting  that  it  is  the  duty 
of  the  mistress  of  the  house  to  meet  and  receive 
her  guests  at  their  first  entrance  into  her  house, 
and  to  go  in  quest  of  them,  if  she  has  not  found 

*I  have  employed  in  this  volume,  the  words  '  lady' and 
•gentleman,'  instead  of  the  words  'woman'  and  'man,' 
which  are  more  correct  expressions  and  more  usual  in  the 
best  circles.  I  have  done  so  in  deference  to  the  taste  and 
practice  of  the  greater  number  in  this  country, 

1  C5 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


them  at  once ;  and  no  member  of  the  family 
should  by  his  conduct  admit  that  it  is  necessp'V 
for  the  visiters  to  seek  about  for  the  hostess.  He 
should  either  let  the  reception  take  its  course,  or 
should  go  and  tell  the  lady  of  the  house  to  come 
forward  and  receive  such-or-such  a  person. 

If  you  are  at  another  house  than  your  ovi^n,  and 
see  a  lady  coming  in,  unattended  by  a  gentleman, 
you  should  offer  her  your  arm  and  take  her  up  to 
the  lady  of  the  house.  You  should  do  the  same 
to  ladies  vv^ho  are  taking  leave,  and  you  should 
conduct  them  to  their  carriages. 

If  a  lady  is  going  to  her  carriage,  or  is  alone 
in  any  public  place  vrhere  it  is  usual  or  would  be 
convenient  for  ladies  to  be  attended,  you  should 
offer  her  your  arm  and  service,  even  if  you  do 
not  know  her.  To  do  so,  in  a  private  room,  as  in 
the  case  above  mentioned,  might  be  thought  a 
liberty. 

When  a  waiter  of  coffee  or  of  preserves  is 
handed  to  a  lady  she  should  help  herself,  and 
66 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 

gentlemen  standing  by  should  permit  her  to  do 
so,  and  should  abstain  from  any  interference.  It 
was  once  deemed  courtly  for  gentlemen  to  save 
ladies  from  this  trouble,  by  putting  sugar  and 
cream  in  their  coffee  for  them,  and  asking  them 
on  other  occasions  what  they  would  be  helped 
to  ;  but  it  is  now  clearly  understood  that  the 
effort  of  a  lady's  helping  herself  in  fact  amounts 
to  nothing,  and  that  by  doing  so,  she  can  gratify 
her  own  taste  and  choice  much  better  than  when 
another  serves  her,  and,  at  the  same  time,  that 
quietness  and  ease  of  action,  which  is  the  chief 
and  best  characteristic  of  society,  is  attained  in 
a  much  higher  degree.  In  second-rate  houses 
you  still  see  the  host  going  round  with  every 
waiter  in  the  fussy  manner  of  the  last  century, 
and  demanding  how  much  sugar  and  cream  every 
one  will  take  in  their  coffee.  But  so  perfectly 
disused  among  the  best-bred  persons  is  this  prac- 
tice, that  if  you  see  any  man  doing  it,  you  may 
67 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


confidently  decide  that  he  is  not  accustomed  to 
the  first  society. 

If  a  lady  and  gentleman  are  conversing  to- 
gether at  an  evening  party,  it  would  be  a  rude- 
ness in  another  person  to  go  up  and  interrupt 
them  by  introducing  a  new  topic  of  observation. 
If  you  are  sure  that  there  is  nothing  of  a  parti- 
cular and  private  interest  passing  between  them, 
you  may  join  their  conversation  and  strike  into 
the  current  of  their  remarks  ;  yet  if  you  then  find 
that  they  are  so  much  engaged  and  entertained  by 
the  discussion  that  they  were  holding  together, 
as  to  render  the  termination  or  the  change  of  its 
character  unwelcome,  you  should  withdraw.  If, 
however,  two  persons  are  occupied  with  one  an 
other  upon  what  you  guess  to  be  terms  peculiarly 
delicate  and  particular,  you  should  entirely  with- 
hold yourself  from  their  company.  If  you  are 
talking  to  a  lady  with  the  ordinary  indiflference 
of  a  common  acquaintance,  and  are  only  waiting 
68      ^ 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


till  some  one  else  comes  up,  for  an  opportunity 
to  leave  her,  you  should  not  move  the  instant  an- 
other arrives,  for  that  would  look  as  if  your  pre- 
vious tarrying  had  been  compulsory ;  but  you 
should  remain  a  few  moments  and  then  turn 
away. 

At  an  evening  party  you  should  make  a  point 
of  going  all  round  the  room,  after  you  have  sa- 
luted the  lady  of  the  house,  and  bowing  to  every 
lady  with  whom  you  are  acquainted.  If,  also,  in 
any  public  room,  or  place  of  exhibition,  you  see 
any  persons  whom  you  know,  you  should  go  and 
speak  to  them. 

If  you  meet  ladies  or  gentlemen  whom  you  do 
not  know,  at  a  morning  visit,  or  a  small  evening 
party  where  you  sit  next  to  them,  and  are  brought 
in  contact  with  them,  converse  with  them  with 
the  same  readiness  and  ease  as  if  you  had  known 
them  all  your  life.  Moreover,  if  in  talking  with 
one  whom  you  are  acquainted  with,  there  are 
others  in  the  group  whom  you  do  not  know,  you 
69 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


should  address  them  precisely  on  the  same  terms 
on  which  you  speak  to  your  friend.  On  such  an 
occasion,  the  topics  should  he  as  impersonal  as 
possible,  but  the  manner  should  be  wholly  free 
from  embarrassment.  A  shy  or  awkward  de- 
meanour towards  strang'ers  in  such  positions,  is 
the  certain  mark  of  one  not  familiar  with  the 
great  world. 

If  you  are  presented  to  a  lady  at  an  evening 
party,  you  should  call  upon  her  soon  after. 

When  you  receive  a  card  of  invitation,  you 
should  return  an  answer  immediately, — in  the 
same  hour  that  you  receive  it.  This  is  a  point 
of  conduct  which  good-breeding,  good  feeling, 
good  sense,  and  good  morals  seem  to  unite  in  en- 
forcing; and  yet  it  is  often  violated.  It  is  at  once 
an  instinct  of  kindness,  and  in  some  degree  a 
moral  duty,  to  let  the  person  who  has  been  so 
courteous  in  the  offer  of  hospitality,  know  at  the 
earliest  possible  moment  how  many  people  may 
be  expected  to  come,  that  the  arrangements  may 
70 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


be  made  accordingly ;  and  the  withholding  of 
replies  till  a  late  period,  often  occasions  the  most 
grievous  embarrassment  and  inconvenience  to  the 
entertainer.  Moreover,  reason  and  the  sense  of 
the  thing,  require  that  when  a  request  is  made  to 
you,  you  should  respond  promptly,  one  way  or 
the  other;  just  as  when  a  verbal  question  is  put, 
the  reply  should  follow  instantly.  The  only  ex- 
cuse which  any  one  could  give  for  not  sending  an 
immediate  answer  would  be  that  the  servants 
were  not  at  leisure  to  carry  it ; — a  most  vulgar 
and  plebeian  excuse  !  as  if  the  servants  of  a  gen- 
tleman or  lady  were  not  always  at  leisure  to  do 
what  their  employer  wished.  It  is  to  be  under- 
stood that  people  of  quality  keep  attendants 
enough  to  meet  all  the  exigencies  of  life.  Atten- 
tion to  this  point  always  has  been  and  will  be  a 
test  of  the  real  refinement  of  a  person  ;  but  I 
trust  the  time  will  soon  come  when  society  will 
settle  the  practice  so  authoritatively  that  no  one 
having  any  pretensions  to  good  standing  can  with 
71 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


safety  venture  to  delay  an  answer  to  an  invita- 
tion. 

If  a  lady  accepts  an  invitation,  nothing  but  the 
most  cogent  necessity  amounting  to  an  absolute 
prevention,  should  be  permitted  to  interfere  with 
her  keeping  her  word.  To  decline  at  a  late  pe- 
riod, after  having  accepted,  is,  I  believe,  invari- 
ably felt  to  be  a  rudeness  and  an  insult ;  and  it 
will  be  resented  in  some  civil  way. 

A  young  gentleman  should  always  accept  the 
invitation  of  a  lady,  whether  he  is  intending  to 
go  or  not ;  unless  absence  from  town,  or  illness, 
or  some  such  matter  will  prevent  his  going,  and 
then  the  reason  should  be  stated  in  the  note.  It 
IS  so  much  a  matter  of  custom  or  of  course  for 
young  men  to  accept,  that  a  bare  refusal  would 
excite  surprise.  If  you  do  not  go,  you  should 
call  the  next  morning  and  leave  your  card  by 
way  of  apology.  If  the  party  is  large,  there  is 
no  very  imperative  duty  upon  you  to  go,  though 
it  is  certainly  more  proper  and  gentlemanlike  to 
72 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


do  so,  after  accepting.  If  the  party  is  small,  and 
your  presence  would  be  important,  it  would  be 
rude,  and  it  would  do  you  an  injury  with  the  mis- 
tress of  the  house,  not  to  appear  after  having 
promised  to  do  so. 

At  an  evening-  party,  a  gentleman  should  ab- 
stain from  conversing  with  the  members  of  the' 
family  at  whose  house  the  company  are  assem- 
bled, as  they  wish  to  be  occupied  with  entertain- 
ing their  other  guests.  A  well-bred  man  will  do 
all  that  he  can  in  assisting  the  lady  of  the  house 
to  render  the  evening  pleasant.  He  will  avoid 
talking  to  men,  and  will  devote  himself  entirely 
to  the  women,  and  especially  to  those  who  are 
not  much  attended  to  by  others.  He  will  exert 
himself  to  amuse  the  company  as  much  as  pos- 
sible, and  to  give  animation  and  interest  to  the 
occasion.  Such  efforts  are  always  observed  and 
appreciated  by  the  hostess,  and  win  her  regard 
and  esteem ;  while  an  opposite  conduct  rarely 
fails  to  excite  something  like  resentment.  To 
K  73 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


show  that  you  take  an  interest  in  the  success  of 
her  party,  and  to  do  all  that  you  can  to  promote 
it,  will  give  her  a  great  deal  of  pleasure. 

There  is  an  uncourtly  fault  often  committed  in 
company,  j'^et  perhaps,  in  all  cases,  arising  from 
thoughtlessness  rather  than  from  rudeness, — that 
of  remarking  to  the  hostess  that  the  room  is  very 
warm,  or  that  the  weather  is  so  bad  as  to  render 
the  ride  to  her  house  extremely  disagreeable. 
Such  remarks,  it  is  true,  may  convey  no  direct 
reproach  upon  her,  because  the  matters  are  be- 
yond her  control,  or  against  her  intention;  yet 
they  make  her  feel  uncomfortably  for  having  been 
the  occasion  of  the  suffering  complained  of,  and 
she  will  always  be  obliged  to  apologize  or  ex- 
press her  regret.  It  is  bad  taste  in  the  hostess, 
likewise,  to  talk  about  such  things,  and  to  anti- 
cipate observation  by  excuses  and  regrets.  En- 
tire silence  should  be  preserved  as  to  such  mat- 
ters. 

At  an  evening  party,  never  put  a  tea-cup ;  wine- 
74 


POINTS  OF  GOOD- BREEDING. 


glass,  glass  of  water,  or  cup  of  lemonade,  back 
upon  the  same  waiter  from  which  you  took  it. 
That  waiter  will  be  handed  to  others,  and  it  will 
be  disagreeable  to  them  to  survey  an  array  of 
half-empty  cups  and  glasses,  and  perhaps  incon- 
venient to  distinguish  which  are  fresh  and  which 
have  been  used.  Another  waiter,  in  every  re- 
spectable house,  follows  the  first  one  for  the  pur 
pose  of  receiving  cups  and  glasses  with  which 
persons  have  done,  and  upon  it  alone  should  they 
be  placed. 

When  the  servants  are  engaged  in  handing  tea 
or  doing  any  other  special  service,  you  should  not 
withdraw  any  one  of  them  from  that  duty  by 
sending  them  from  the  room  for  anything  else, — 
as  for  a  glass  of  water  or  piece  of  ice.  This  is 
particularly  important  at  a  small  party,  where 
there  are  few  servants,  and  where  their  absence 
will  be  more  inconvenient. 

When  you  send  a  book  to  a  gentleman  or  lady, 
as  a  gift  or  loan,  or  return  one  which  you  have 
75 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


borrowed,  you  should  enclose  it  in  white  paper 
under  seal.  Never  keep  a  borrowed  book  long : 
do  not  write  in  it  even  if  you  write  as  well  as 
S.  T.  C,  and  do  not  mark  it  with  your  pencil  in 
any  way. 

I  do  not  know  any  small  matter  which  is  more 
often  the  source  of  annoyance  and  inconvenience, 
though  always  kindly  intended,  than  the  habit 
of  sending  books  to  people  to  read,  befjause  the 
lender  thinks  that  the  other  will  be  entertained. 
It  compels  persons  to  read  what  they  may  not 
have  leisure  or  inclination  to  do,  and  to  prepare 
an  opinion  which  they  may  find  it  difficult  or  un- 
pleasant to  express,  and  it  throws  upon  them  a 
responsibility,  which  they  may  find  onerous,  of 
taking  care  of  the  work.  When  books  are  spoken 
of,  therefore,  it  is  more  refined  not  to  make  an 
offer  of  lending  them.  At  all  events,  you  should 
not  press  their  acceptance,  or  send  them  unless 
your  offer  is  accepted  readily  and  willingly.  It 
is  better,  in  all  cases,  simply  to  say  that  you 
76 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 

have  such  a  work,  which  is  very  much  at  the 
service  of  the  other. 

Civilities  always  merit  acknowledgment;  tri- 
vial and  personal  ones  by  word ;  greater  and 
more  distant  ones  by  letter.  If  a  man  sends  you 
his  book,  or  pays  any  other  similar  compliment, 
you  should  express  your  consideration  of  his 
courtesy,  by  a  note.  If  you  have  been  received 
with  interest  and  kindness  during  an  absence 
from  home,  y6u  owe  it  'to  those  who  have  enter- 
tained you,  to  inform  them  of  your  safe  return, 
and  to  thank  them  for  their  hospitality  or  atten- 
tions. 

In  leaving  your  card  at  a  hotel,  you  should  en- 
close it  in  an  envelope  and  direct  it.  The  re- 
missness of  servants  at  public  places  in  this 
country  is  so  great,  that  there  is  no  other  method 
by  which  your  visit  will  reach  the  knowledge  of 
the  party  for  whom  it  is  intended.  If  you  leave 
a  card  for  a  friend  who  is  staying  at  the  house  of 
a  person  whom  you  do  not  visit,  it  is  offensive 
77 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


and  vulgar  to  give  it  a  written  designation  for  the 
person  for  whom  it  is  intended, — as  by  inscribing 
upon  it,  "  For  Mr.  So-and-So."  The  amount  of 
that  is,  to  say  to  the  master  of  the  house,  "  Take 
notice.  Sir,  that  no  portion  of  this  civility  is  in- 
tended to  reach  you."  Either  leave  a  single 
card  without  any  writing  upon  it,  or  if  your  rela- 
tion to  the  host  is  not  such  as  to  present  a  de- 
cided objection  to  it,  leave  a  card  for  each  party. 
Presents  made  to  friends,  should  consist  of 
articles  likely  to  be  often  in  view  and  in  use,  so 
that  they  may  frequently  and  agreeably  bring  the 
giver  to  memory, — as  for  example,  diamonds  or 
snuff-boxes.  Avoid,  particularly,  making  a  pre- 
sent of  any  cumbrous  thing,  difficult  to  dispose 
of  or  employ.  Such  a  gift,  instead  of  exciting 
gratitude,  will  only  cause  you  to  be  laughed  at 
for  your  awkwardness.  I  have  often  seen  costly 
but  tactless  donations  that  drew  from  the  obliged 
party  no  other  remark  than  the  frequent  one  of, 
"  Poor  Mr.  So-and-So !  he  meant  it  very  kindly, 
78 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 

but  his  gift  is  a  great  plague :"  and  the  unlucky 
article  which  was  intended  to  cement  esteem,  has 
continued  to  irritate  and  fret  the  receiver,  till 
courage  has  been  summoned  to  throw  it  into  the 
alley. 

If  a  person  in  conversation  has  begun  to  say- 
something,  and  has  checked  himself,  you  should 
avoid  the  tactless  error  so  often  committed,  of 
insisting  on  hearing  him.  Doubtless  there  was 
some  reason  for  his  change  of  intention,  and  it 
may  make  him  feel  unpleasantly  to  urge  him  for- 
ward according  to  his  first  impulse.  In  like  man- 
ner, if  a  person  has  been  interrupted  in  some 
remark,  or  prevented  in  attempting  one,  and  when 
having  opportunity  to  speak,  evinces  no  desire  to 
repeat  his  intended  observation,  you  ought  not  to 
lay  any  compulsion  upon  him  to  do  so.  In  all 
probability,  the  remark  he  designed  to  make,  was 
of  a  trifling  sort  not  worthy  to  be  uttered  under 
circumstances  of  so  much  attention,  as  you  create 
for  it  by  calling  for  its  repetition  ;  or  it  may  have 
79 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


been  of  a  kind,  proper  to  the  time  when  it  was 
first  offered,  but  not  adapted  to  that  after-moment 
at  which  you  call  for  it.  In  such  cases,  if  you 
have  been  the  hinderer,  it  is  better  simply  and 
calmly  to  apologize,  and  then  give  place  for  him 
to  speak  if  he  wishes  to ;  but  not  by  word  or 
manner  to  force  him  to  speak.  It  is  to  be  sup- 
posed that  every  one  has  courage  enough  to  say 
what  he  wants  to,  without  being  drawn  upon  the 
stage ;  and  if  the  remark  would  do  the  speaker 
credit,  depend  upon  it  he  will  give  it  to  you  of 
his  own  accord. 

In  meeting  a  friend  whom  you  have  not  seen 
for  some  time,  and  of  the  state  and  history  of 
whose  family  you  have  not  been  recently  or  par- 
ticularly informed,  you  should  avoid  making  en- 
quiries or  allusions  in  respect  to  particular  indi- 
viduals of  his  family,  until  you  have  possessed 
yourself  of  knowledge  respecting  them.  Some 
may  be  dead  ;  others  may  have  misbehaved, 
separated  themselves,  or  fallen  under  some  dis- 
80 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


tressing  calamity.  Enquire  after  his  family  gene- 
rally, and  that  will  give  him  an  opportunity  to 
say  what  he  thinks  proper,  and  from  his  manner 
you  will  learn  whether  there  is  anything  wrong. 

If  a  man  should  incautiously  ask  you  about  a 
member  of  your  family  who  is  dead,  or  of  whom 
from  any  other  cause  you  do  not  wish  to  spep.k, 
you  should  reply,  "  My  family,  I  thank  you,  are 
all  well,"  and  change  the  subject.  Your  manner 
may  indicate  whatever  you  wish  him  to  know, 
and  if  he  ])ossesses  a  particle  of  tact,  he  will  fly 
immediately  from  the  point.  We  have  all  of  us 
very  often  seen  cases  of  distressing  embarrass- 
ment arise  from  an  enquiry  being  heedlessly 
made  about  one  who  is  dead  ;  and  yet  I  think  the 
fault  of  that  distress  lies  really  upon  the  person 
to  whom  the  question  is  put.  After  the  question 
has  been  put,  it  is  in  his  power  and  his  only,  to 
prevent  the  distress  and  cure  the  error. 

There  are  many  cases  of  disaster,  accident, 
and  illness,  in  which  it  is  better  not  to  make  any 
L  61 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 

enquiries,  or  express  regret  or  sympathy.  This 
applies  when  there  is  anything  ridiculous  or  mor- 
tifying connected  with  the  evil,  and  when  the 
malady  implies  anything  like  inferiority  or  shame, 
and  when  it  is  of  a  sort  that  the  sufferer  would 
rather  it  were  forgotten  and  not  thought  of.  On 
all  such  occasions,  take  no  notice  of  the  indis- 
position or  misfortune,  and  treat  the  person  as  if 
he  were  entirely  well. 

In  passing  a  lady  in  the  street,  who  is  accom- 
panied by  a  gentleman  on  the  outside,  there  is 
the  same  reason  for  your  taking  the  inside  that 
there  would  be  for  you  to  walk  on  that  side  if 
you  were  with  them.  You  should  take  that  side, 
then,  unless  you  would  pay  the  gentleman,  if  he 
were  alone,  the  compliment  of  giving  him  the 
wall. 

When  you  salute  a  lady,  or  a  gentleman  to 
whom  you  wish  to  show  particular  respect,  in 
the  street,  you  should  take  your  hat  entirely  off, 
and  cause  it  to  describe  a  circle  of  at  least  ninety 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


degrees  from  its  original  resting-place.  The  in- 
ferior classes  of  men,  as  you  may  see  if  you 
think  fit  to  take  notice  of  them,  only  press  the 
rim  of  their  hat  when  they  speak  to  women  of 
their  acquaintance. 

If  there  is  any  man  whom  you  wish  to  con- 
ciliate, you  should  make  a  point  of  taking  off 
your  hat  to  him  as  often  as  you  meet  him.  Peo- 
ple are  always  gratified  by  respect,  and  they 
generally  conceive  a  good  opinion  of  the  under- 
standing of  one  who  appreciates  their  excellence 
so  much  as  to  respect  it.  Such  is  the  irresistible 
effect  of  an  habitual  display  of  this  kind  of  man- 
ner, that  perseverance  in  it  will  often  conquer 
enmity  and  obliterate  contempt. 

If  you  are  giving  a  person  sugar  upon  a  plate 
of  fruit,  as  strawberries,  pine-apples,  or  such 
matters,  you  should  not  scatter  it  over  the  article 
to  which  it  is  to  be  added,  but  should  place  it  at 
the  side  of  the  plate  by  itself,  which  will  enable 
the  person  to  use  as  much  as  may  be  desirable. 
83 


POINTS  OF  GOOD  BREEDING. 

In  like  manner,  at  dinner,  in  helping  another  to 
gravy,  you  should  avoid  putting  it  upon  any- 
thing that  is  on  the  plate,  and  should  lay  it  upon 
a  part  of  the  plate  that  is  unoccupied. 

When  you  receive  a  letter  of  business,  yoa 
should  answer  it  immediately,  provided  the  sub- 
ject be  not  one  that  requires  delay.  You  may 
be  certain  that  your  correspondent  is  wishing  to 
hear  from  you  as  soon  as  possible ;  and  for  you 
to  put  off  the  reply  to  wait  your  own  conveni- 
ence, and  to  resolve  that  j^ou  will  not  gratify  his 
desire  till  to-morrow,  when  yon  might  just  as 
well  do  it  to-day,  is  assuredly  any-thing  but 
courteous.  Promptness  and  punctuality,  even  in 
the  lightest  affairs,  give  evidence  of  character, 
and  impart  an  interest  and  spirit  to  all  occasions 
of  intercourse.  Who  does  not  feel  that  the  real 
greatness,  even  of  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  is 
increased  by  his  known  invariable  practice  of  re- 
plying to  every  communication  by  letter,  th&  mo- 
ment it  is  received  ? 

84 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


If  you  see  a  person  in  mourning,  you  should 
not  take  any  notice  of  that  circumstance  in  his 
presence,  or  let  him  see  that  you  have  observed 
it ;  and  you  should  abstain  from  all  question  on 
the  point,  and  expressions  of  regret,  surprise  or 
sympathy.  That  is  a  rule  often  violated  by 
thoughtless  persons ;  but  a  moment's  considera- 
tion will  show  that  the  feelings  of  the  individual 
may  be  such  as  to  render  any  allusion  to  the  sub- 
ject of  his  grief  very  painful  to  him.  In  his  ab- 
sence, enquiries  may  be  made  from  others.  It  is 
scarcely  needful  to  suggest  that  when  a  man  is 
in  mourning,  and  you  do  not  know  for  whom, 
you  should  avoid  asking  after  any  of  his  friends, 
until  you  have  informed  yourself  upon  that  point. 

If,  in  walking,  you  meet  a  friend,  accompanied 
by  one  whom  you  do  not  know,  speak  to  both. 
Also,  if  you  are  walking  with  a  friend  who 
speaks  to  a  friend  whom  you  are  not  acquainted 
with,  you  should  speak  to  the  person ;  and  with 
as  much  respect  and  ease  as  if  you  knew  the 
85 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


party.  If  you  meet  a  man  whom  you  have  met 
frequently  before,  who  knows  your  name,  and 
whose  name  you  know,  it  is  polite  to  salute  him. 

If  you  meet  or  join  or  are  visited  by  a  person 
who  has  a  book  or  box,  or  any  article  whatever, 
under  his  arm  or  in  his  hand,  and  he  does  not 
offer  to  show  it  to  you,  you  should  not,  even  if 
he  be  your  most  intimate  friend,  take  it  from  him 
and  look  at  it.  There  may  be  many  reasons  why 
he  would  not  like  you  to  see  it,  or  be  obliged  to 
answer  the  enquiries  or  give  the  explanations 
connected  with  it.  That  intrusive  curiosity  is 
very  inconsistent  with  the  delicacy  of  a  well-bred 
man,  and  always  offends  in  some  degree. 

In  walking,  the  hand  should  not  be  closed  or 
clenched.  In  your  ordinary  progress,  you  have 
no  occasion  for  a  Jht.  A  gentleman  wishes  to 
meet  the  world  with  an  expanded  palm.  The 
arms  should  hang  easily,  by  the  side ;  and  that 
cannot  be  effected  when  the  hand  is  clenched. 
Moreover,  the  figure  is  more  sightly  whep  the 
86 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


arm  terminates  in  a  point.  A  gentleman  should 
entertain  as  much  horror  of  a  swing,  as  a  high- 
wayman does. 

If  you  have  paid  a  compliment  to  one  man,  or 
have  used  towards  him  any  expression  of  parti- 
cular civility,  you  should  not  show  the  same  con- 
duct to  any  other  person  in  his  presence.  For 
example,  if  a  gentleman  comes  to  your  house  and 
you  tell  him  with  warmth  and  interest  that  you 
'  are  glad  to  see  him,'  he  will  be  pleased  with 
the  attention,  and  will  probably  thank  you  ;  but 
if  he  hears  you  say  the  same  thing  to  twenty 
other  people,  he  will  not  only  perceive  that  your 
courtesy  was  worth  nothing,  but  he  will  feel 
some  resentment  at  having  been  imposed  on.  To 
treat  all  the  world  with  undiscriminating  respect, 
and  the  same  shows  of  affection,  does  less  good 
than  to  treat  every  one  with  coldness ;  for  it  be- 
gets a  reputation  of  insincerity. 

It  is  in  bad  ton  for  a  newly-married  couple, 
when  going  to  an  evening  party,  to  enter  the 
87 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


room  together.  Some  older  person,  or  some 
relative  of  hers,  should  take  the  bride  in.  It  is 
in  better  taste  that,  on  all  occasions  of  appearing 
in  public,  the  pair  should  not  be  exactly  together. 
The  recognition  of  that  relation  should  as  much 
as  possible  be  confined  to  the  fireside.  It  is  not 
pleasant  to  see  persons  thrusting  their  mutual 
devotedness  into  the  eye  of  society. 

When  music  is  introduced  at  a  party,  the  play- 
ing should  either  be  by  professional  persons,  or 
by  some  members  of  the  family  at  whose  house 
the  company  are.  It  is  not  delicate  to  invite  any 
of  the  guests  to  go  to  the  piano,  and  to  tax  their 
efforts  for  the  entertainment  of  the  circle. 

K  a  stranger  from  another  city  calls  to  see  you, 
or  you  meet  him  by  accident,  it  is  not  tactful  to 
ask  him  how  long  he  has  been  in  town.  There 
may  be  many  reasons  why  he  may  not  wish  to 
have  that  known.  He  may  have  been  in  town 
for  several  days,  and  may  be  unwilling  to  confess 
88 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


that  he  has  waited  so  long  without  coining  to 
see  you. 

If  you  call  to  see  a  stranger  who  is  staying  at 
the  house  of  another  person,  you  should  not  in 
the  presence  of  his  host,  ask  him  how  long  ne 
intends  to  remain.  His  stay  may  be  dependent 
ou  the  invitation  he  expects  to  receive,  or  on 
other  grounds  he  may  be  disinclined  to  announce 
the  intended  length  of  his  visit. 

It  IS  generally  better  to  say  "  I  hope  you  are 
well,"  or,  "  I  hope  that  such  a  one  is  well,"  than 
to  ask  a  question  on  the  subject.  This,  however, 
is  only  applicable  to  those  cases  in  which  you 
are  so  well  acquainted  with  the  parties,  and  are 
in  a  comdition  to  know  of  their  health  so  fre- 
quentl}',  that  one  could  not  long  have  been  sick 
without  your  hearing  of  it.  If  you  have  not 
recently  heard  much  of  the  party  of  whom  you 
speak,  it  is  better  to  ask  directly  and  with  an  air 
of  interest,  how  he  is,  for  he  may  have  been  out 
of  health  for  some  time,  and  you  would  not 
M  89 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


gratify  his  friend  or  relative  by  showing  that  you 
had  known  nothing  of  his  state  for  so  long  a 
period. 

If  you  dine  with  another,  and  there  is  any  dish 
particularly  nice  upon  the  table,  and  which  the 
entertainer  must  regard  with  peculiar  compla- 
cency, it  is  an  act  of  great  rudeness  to  decline 
taking  any  of  it.  Natural  humanity  and  conven- 
tional good-breeding  unite  in  requiring  the  guests 
to  show  that  they  partake,  in  the  fullest  degree, 
of  the  gratification  which  has  been  provided  for 
them.  That  affectation  which  leads  some  per- 
sons to  decline  the  best  things  on  the  table  and 
confine  themselves  to  plain  and  common  things, 
is  little  better  than  brutal.  It  mortifies  and  dis- 
gusts the  host  incalculably.  A  man  of  decent 
good  feeling,  or  of  tolerable  courtesy,  will  make 
a  point  of  selecting  the  most  recherche  dishes, 
and  using  them  copiously.  He  will  feel  certain 
that  he  gives  more  pleasure  to  his  Amphitryon 
.90 


POINTS  OF  GOOD.BREEDIN/3. 


by  appearing  to  enjoy  his  viands,  than  by  leaving 
them  for  his  own  enjoyment. 

There  are  many  dishes  to  which  you  should 
help  yourself  with  your  fingers,  and  not  employ 
a  fork  or  spoon.  It  would  be  ridiculous,  for  ex- 
ample, to  take  cherries  with  a  spoon.  If  a  lady 
asks  you  to  help  her  to  an  article  of  that  sort, 
you  should  give  her  a  plate,  and  then  hand  her 
the  dish  that  she  may  help  herself. 

If  you  are  driving  in  company  with  another 
who  holds  the  reins,  you  should  most  carefully 
abstain  from  even  the  slightest  interference,  by 
word  or  act,  with  the  province  of  the  driver.  Any 
comment,  advice,  or  gesture  of  control,  implies  a 
reproof  which*  is  very  offensive.  If  there  be  any 
point  of  imminent  danger,  where  you  think  his 
conduct  wrong,  you  may  suggest  a  change,  but 
it  must  be  done  with  great  delicacy  and  must  be 
prefaced  by  an  apolog5^  During  the  ordinary 
course  of  the  drive,  you  should  resign  yourself 
wholly  to  his  control,  and  be  entirely  passive. 
91 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


If  you  do  not  approve  of  his  manner,  or  have  not 
confidence  in  his  skill,  you  need  not  drive  with 
him  again ;  but  while  you  are  with  him,  you 
should  yield  implicitly. 

At  a  house  where  you  are  intimate,  you  may 
drop  in  and  take  tea  without  beincr  invited ;  but 
it  is  otherwise  with  dinner.  We  are  told  that 
Boileau,  who  had  a  very  delicate  and  correct 
sense  of  honour,  recommended  it  as  a  rule,  which 
he  himself  always  practised,  never  to  dine  with 
even  one's  most  intimate  friends  without  being 
invited  in  particular.  The  maxim  is  worthy  of 
close  adoption. 

At  dinner,  there  should  not  be  much  conversa- 
tion during  the  first  course,  while  the  meats  are 
receiving  attention.  At  least,  during  that  season 
the  remarks  which  are  made  should  be  brief,  and 
quiet,  and  not  upon  earnest  or  exciting  topics. 
Long  stories  should  be  avoided,  for  the  listeners 
have  other  organs  than  the  ear,  which  they  are 
wishing  to  exercise  at  that  time.  At  a  later 
92 


POINTS  OF  GOOD-BREEDING. 


part  of  the  entertainment,  discourse  is  agreeable. 

There  was  reason  in  the  complaint  of  a  noted 

Parisian  epicure  that  talking  spoilt  his  dinner, 

and  upon  whom  this  epigram  was  made  : 

Gomor,  etant  a  table  avec  certains  pedants, 
Q,ui  criaient  et  prechaient  trop  haut  sur  Ja  vendange; 
Lui  qui  ne  songe  alors  qu'a,  ce  que  font  ses  dens, 
Paix  la,  paix  la,  dit-il,  on  ne  sait  ce  qu'on  mange. 

If  you  are  at  a  small  party  where  tea  is  made 
in  the  room,  you  should  not  enter  into  conversa- 
tion with  the  lady  who  presides  at  the  Jtable,  and 
you  should  not  draw  your  chair  close  to  her. 
She  has  need  of  all  her  attention  in  arranging 
and  preparing  the  tea-waiters,  and  she  also  re- 
quires room  for  her  arms. 

In  company,  you  should  never  tilt  your  chair 
back  upon  its  hind  feet ;  especially  not  at  a  din- 
ner-table. 

93 


TITLE   IV. 

OP  BEHAVIOUR    ON    PARTICULAR 
OCCASIONS. 


—  A  gentleman  of  excellent  breeding,  of  great  admittance, 
generally  allowed  for  his  many  warlike,  courtlike  and 
learned  preparations.  —  Shakspeake.  Hen.  IV. 


To  coincide  with  the  humour  of  the  company 
which  you  are  in,  and  to  do  as  others  do,  is  a 
rule  which  it  is  generally  safe,  and  sometimes 
indispensable,  to  follow.  On  some  occasions  it 
may  be  proper  or  necessary  to  differ.  Care, 
however,  should  always  be  taken  to  differ  in 
such  a  way  that  your  course  may  not  convey  an 
uncourteous  reproof  to  those  from  whose  practice 
you  dissent.  For  example,  if  at  a  dinner-party, 
you  were  to  pass  the  decanter  without  filling 
your  glass,  when  others  were  drinking  freely, 
95 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


you  would  express  something  like  a  rebuke  to 
those  around  you,  and  would  render  your  com- 
pany less  agreeable  :  to  do  so  at  your  own  table 
would  be  a  positive  rudeness. 

A  man  should  be  able  to  accommodate  himself 
to  every  grade  of  persons  and  every  class  of  cus- 
toms and  doings.  If  thrown  into  company  with 
the  gay,  and  even  the  intemperate  and  dissolute, 
he  should  appear  to  be  one  of  them,  and  so  attune 
himself  with  them  that  no  difference  should  be 
visible.  This  variety  and  adaptation  are  neces- 
sary to  the  complete  character  of  a  gentleman 
and  man  of  the  world ;  and,  as  many  cases,  that 
I  have  witnessed,  prove,  is  perfectly  consistent 
with  purity  and  soundness  of  morals.  "  Let  him 
be  able  to  do  everything,"  says  Montaigne,  "but 
let  him  love  to  do  nothing  but  what  is  good." 
That  bigotry  of  deportment  which  can  be  but 
one  and  uniform  under  every  condition  and  cir- 
cumstance, is  as  inelegant  as  injurious.  Let  a 
man  educate  himself  into  an  abhorrence  of  every- 
96 


OF  BEHA-VlOljR. 


thing  licentious,  intemperate  and  gross  ;  but  let 
him  not  think  the  accomplishment  of  his  manner 
complete,  until  he  can  act  those  parts,  if  occasion 
require,  thoroughly  and  successfully.  Of  course, 
occasions  requiring  such  displays  are  to  be 
avoided  as  much  as  possible ;  but  every  one  who 
mingles  much  with  the  world  or  has  extensive 
dealings  with  men,  is  liable  to  be  thrown  among 
coarse  and  irregular  persons  whom  he  is  obliged 
to  conciliate,  and  who  will  laugh  him  to  scorn  if 
he  carries  with  him  into  their  company  the  nar- 
row cockneyism  of  a  refined  and  fastidious  taste 
and  style.  Let  a  man  go  to  a  county  court  or  a 
state  legislature,  or  among  bankers,  or  brokers, 
or  aldermen ;  in  short,  into  any  rank  of  society 
beneath  the  highest,  and  he  will  be  distanced 
very  speedily  and  thrown  hors  du  combat.^  unless 
he  can  drink  and  roar  and  talk  roughly.  Sit 
Robert  Walpole  cultivated  very  diligently  the  art 
of  gross  conversation,  and  if  his  contemporaries 
may  be  credited,  attained  it  in  an  eminent  degree : 
N  97 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


and  the  reason  he  gave  was,  that  everybody  could 
talk  in  that  strain  and  liked  to  talk  so ;  and  of 
the  classes  of  business-men  with  whom  he  was 
chiefly  conversant,  this  was  no  doubt  true.  Lord 
-Byron  was  once  staying  with  Lord  Jersey  in  the 
country,  and  on  account  of  indigestion,  or  per- 
haps from  a  mere  freak  of  fastidiousness,  he 
remained  in  his  room  during  dinner;  but  hearing 
that  some  persons  below  ridiculed  his  effeminacy, 
he  went  down  after  the  cloth  was  removed,  and 
drank  half  the  company  under  the  table.  None 
have  ever  justified  Callisthenes  for  forfeiting  the 
favour  of  his  master,  Alexander  the  Great,  by 
refusing  the  wine-cup.  "  Let  a  man  laugh,  play, 
and  drink  with  his  prince,"  says  Montaigne; 
"  nay,  I  would  have  him  even  in  his  debauches 
too  hard  for  the  rest  of  the  company,  and  to  excel 
his  companions  in  ability  and  vigour,  and  that  he 
may  not  give  over  doing  it,  either  through  defect 
of  power  or  knowledge  how  to  do  it,  but  for  want 
of  will.  '  Multum  interest,  utram  peccare  quis 
98 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


nolit,  aut  nesciat.'  (Sen.)  I  thought  I  passed  a 
compliment  upon  a  lord,  as  free  from  those  ex- 
cesses as  any  man  in  France,  by  asking  him 
before  a  great  deal  of  very  good  company,  how 
many  times  he  had  been  drunk  in  Germany,  in 
the  time  of  his  being  there  about  his  Majesty's 
affairs ;  which  he  also  took  as  it  was  intended, 
and  made  answer,  three  times ;  and  withal,  told 
us  the  whole  story  of  his  debauches.  I  know 
some,  who  for  want  of  this  faculty,  have  found  a 
great  inconvenience  by  it  in  negotiating  with  that 
nation.  I  have  often  with  great  admiration  re- 
flected upon  the  wonderful  constitution  of  Alci- 
biades,  who  so  easily  could  transform  himself  to 
so  various  fashions  without  any  prejudice  to  his 
health ;  one  while  outdoing  the  Persian  pomp 
and  luxury;  and  another,  the  Lacedemonian  aus- 
terity and  frugality;  as  reformed  in  Sparta  as 
voluptuous  in  Ionia ; 

Omnis  Aristippum  decuit  color,  et  status,  et  res 
I  would  have  my  pupil  to  be  such  a  one." 
9^ 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


This  principle  of  the  good  Sieur  de  Perigord 
should  not  perhaps  be  carried  quite  so  far  as  it 
was  by  the  Honoxirable  William  Pole  Tylney 
Long-  Wellesley,  the  nephew  of  the  Duke  of 
"Wellington,  who  told  Dr.  Southcote  "  that  he 
considered  it  the  principal  branch  of  his  chil- 
dren's education,  that  they  should  know  how,  if 
necessary,  to  make  themselves  perfect  black- 
guards ;  it  being  his  wish  that  they  should  know 
how  to  enter  into  and  associate  with  the  lowest 
and  most  vulgar  society,  without  the  persons 
with  whom  they  should  associate  being  able  to 
discern  that  they  were  the  children  of  a  gentle- 
man, or  gentlemen  themselves."  This  eccentric 
patrician  often  expressed  to  the  tutors  of  his 
family,  his  particular  wish  and  desire  that  his 
children  should  adopt  the  language  and  manners 
of  the  lower  classes,  in  order  that  they  might 
obtain  a  knowledge  of  the  world ;  and  he  acted 
in  conformity  with  this  theory.  He  often  boasted 
100 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


to  his  friends  "  that,  while  residing  in  Paris,  he 
had  frequently  procured  children  of  the  lowest 
description  to  come  to  the  back  of  his  house,  to 
teach  his  children  to  learn  and  repeat  the  oaths 
and  indecent  language  made  use  of  by  such 
blackguards ;  and  that,  in  return  for  the  oaths  so 
taught  them  in  the  French  language,  he  made  his 
boys  teach  those  low  children  to  swear  in  Eng- 
lish ;  and  he  declared  that  when  he  had  the  gov- 
ernment of  his  children,  he  would  take  care  that 
they  should  be  present  at  bull-baits,  cock-fights, 
dog-fights,  and  all  other  sports  of  the  like  nature, 
in  order  to  afford  them  an  opportunity  of  hearing 
and  learning  the  oaths  employed  by  people  usu- 
ally attending  such  sports,  which  were  manly 
sports  and  ought  to  be  pursued  by  his  children  in 
preference  to  any  other."  Lord  Eldon,  not  en- 
tertaining precisely  the  same  views  with  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Wellesley,  on  the  subject  of  education, 
took  his  children  from  him  and  placed  them  in 
the  hands  of  other  guardians. 
101 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


It  is  a  delicate  and  acceptable  flattery,  when  a 
man  is  doing  anything  at  which  he  feels  a  little 
uneasy  or  ashamed,  for  another  to  do  the  same 
and  even  go  beyond  him  in  the  practice.  This 
was  well  understood  at  Versailles  in  the  time  of 
Louis  XIV.  When  that  monarch,  in  his  old  age 
and  under  the  tuition  of  Maintenon,  was  led  to 
an  excess  of  devotion,  his  courtiers  rivalled  all 
his  bigotry,  and  some  of  them  would  take  the 
sacrament  twice  a  day.  Richelieu  was  wont, 
after  the  close  application  of  hours  to  state 
affairs,  to  divert  himself  by  leaping  about  his 
chamber  with  great  violence  and  activity,  and  as 
much  secrecy  as  possible.  One  day,  the  elder 
De  Grammont,  who,  having  married  one  of  his 
nieces,  had  free  access  to  him  at  all  times,  found 
him  jumping  with  great  vehemence  in  his  gal- 
lery. The  intruder,  who  was  a  thorough  cour- 
tier, began  himself  to  leap,  and  challenged  his 
lordship  to  a  trial  of  skill  in  that  exercise.  The 
Cardinal  understood  the  delicate  courtesy  of  De 
102 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


Grammont,   and   ever  after  showed  hirn   many 
strong  proofs  of  his  attachment. 

There  are  a  great  many  cases  in  which  a  man 
is  neglected  or  another  is  preferred,  when  one 
might  take  offence  and  resent  the  slight ;  but  it 
is  generally  wiser,  as  a  matter  of  reason,  and 
more  refined,  as  a  point  of  good-breeding,  to  pass 
the  thing  by  with  indiiference,  and  acquiesce  in 
it  as  a  thing  to  be  regretted  but  not  helped. 
When  there  is  no  intention  to  insult,  but  the 
offence  proceeds  from  a  real  preference  for  an- 
other, or  a  sincere  w^ant  of  esteem  for  himself, 
no  wise  man,  however  much  he  may  be  mortified, 
will  exhibit  irritation  or  pique.  Henry  IV.  of 
France  once  paid  a  private  and  unexpected  visit 
to  the  fair  Gabrielle,  at  a  time  when  the  Duke  of 
Belle  Guarde  was  with  her.  The  Duke  retreated 
precipitately  under  the  lady's  bed,  and  she  re- 
ceived the  king  as  if  no  one  had  been  Avith  her. 
Henry  had  seen  the  Duke  creep  under  the  bed, 
but  taking  no  notice  of  it,  behaved  in  the  most 
103 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


cordial  and  pleasant  manner.  A  cold  collation 
was  served,  and  Henry,  as  he  helped  himself, 
cut  off  the  leg  of  a  chicken,  and  throwing  it 
under  the  bed,  said  with  great  good,  humour, 
"Every  one  must  live."  Neither  the  Duke  nor 
the  lady  ever  offended  a^ain. 

To  get  money  from  a  man  who  owes  it  to  you 
and  won't  pay  it,  is  a  nice  matter,  and  certainly 
a  very  important  one.  If  you  were  to  ask  directly 
for  it,  you  would  give  deadly  offence,  and  proba- 
bly receive  a  challenge.  It  is  necessary,  there- 
fore, to  resort  to  some  indirect  mode  of  request, 
and,  if  possible,  to  throw  something  humorous 
into  your  style,  which  will  repel  anger.  Tal- 
bot, afterwards  Earl  of  Tyrconnel,  a  courtier  of 
Charles  the  Second,  was  in  the  habit  of  playing 
deep  with  Grammont,  and  owed  him  three  or 
four  hundred  guineas  one  evening  when  he  was 
sent  to  the  Tower.  That  little  accident  made  him 
forget  his  usual  punctuality  in  paying  the  next 
morning  what  he  had  lost  over  night ;  and  it  so 
104 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


completely  eiFaced  his  recollection  of  the  thing-, 
that  he  never  again  thought  of  it.  Gramraont 
took  leave  of  him  as  he  was  going  to  France, 
and  wished  him  a  good  journey,  without  Talbot's 
taking  any  notice  of  the  debt.  After  some  farther 
compliments,  "  Adieu  ! "  said  Gramraont,  "  God 
bless  you !  be  sure  not  to  fall  sick  upon  the  road  ; 
but  if  you  should,  pray  remember  me  in  your 
will."  Talbot  burst  out  a-laugliing,  and  recol- 
lecting the  debt,  immediately  sent  it  to  him. 

If  a  hit  has  been  made  against  you,  or  a  piece 
of  ridicule  fixed  upon  you,  which  you  cannot 
reply  to  or  obviate,  the  only  way  is  to  make  no 
resistance,  but  to  join  in  the  laugh.  Ridicule 
never  yet  hurt  any  man  who  did  not  show  that 
he  was  hurt.  I  believe  that  we  enjoy  ridicule 
only  in  proportion  to  the  annoyance  it  gives  to 
the  person  aimed  at.  It  is  that  annoyance  which 
diverts  us,  rather  than  the  ridicule  itself.  Lamb 
once  wrote  a  farce,  and  when  the  representation 
took  place,  he  and  his  sister  seated  themselves 
o  105 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


in  the  pit.  At  the  beginning  of  the  performance, 
they  clapped,  applauded  and  laughed,  at  the  top 
of  their  power.  But  when  the  house  grew  dis- 
satisfied, and  it  became  apparent  that  the  farce 
would  be  'damned,'  Lamb  and  his  sister  turned 
about,  and  hissed  and  hooted  with  the  utmost 
vehemence,  and  were  by  far  the  most  indignant 
of  all  the  spectators.  By  that  act,  Lamb  escaped 
the  raillery  of  his  friends  during  the  rest  of  his 
life. 

Menage  never  showed  his  good  sense  more 
strikingly  than  by  his  behaviour  on  the  appear- 
ance of  Moliere's  "Femmes  Savantes,"  in  which 
he  was  satirized  under  the  name  of  Vadius.  The 
quarrel  between  that  personage  and  Trissotin,  in 
the  play,  was  founded  on  a  real  dispute  between 
Menage  and  Cotin  at  Madame  Rambouillet's, 
whose  house  Moliere  used  to  frequent  till  the 
sarcasms  of  those  two  drove  him  away  in  offence. 
On  returning  from  the  performance  of  the  play, 
Madame  Rambouillet  said  to  Menage  with  great 
106 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


indignation,  "  What !  will  you  suffer  this  fellow 
to  expose  us  to  ridicule  in  this  way  1 "  "  Ma- 
dam," replied  Menage,  "we  had  better  be  pro- 
foundly silent ;  the  play  is  above  criticism,  and 
the  representation  is  perfectly  true." 

At  a  time  when  Frederick  the  Great  was  issu- 
ing some  oppressive  edicts  in  support  of  his 
coffee  monopoly,  a  humorous  print  was  pub- 
lished, which  represented  him  sitting  on  the 
ground  with  a  coffee-mill  between  his  hands, 
grinding  away  with  great  perseverance.  As  the 
king  was  riding  through  the  streets  of  Berlin,  he 
perceived  a  crowd  assembled  round'  the  place 
where  one  of  these  prints  was  exhibited :  he 
immediately  rode  up  and  desired  the  tradesman 
to  "  hang  it  lower,  that  the  people  might  not 
break  their  necks  with  staring  at  it."  He  was 
recognized,  and  saluted  immediately  with  the 
loudest  applause. 

Lord  North,  who  possessed  a  large  share  of 
the  same  good  sense,  was  one  day  passing  a 
107 


OF    BEHAVIOUR. 


print-shop,  in  the  window  of  which  a  caricature 
of  himself  was  hanging,  and  not  having  seen  it 
before,  he  stopped  to  look  at  it.  Being  recog- 
nized in  this  position,  he  was  surrounded  by  a 
number  of  persons,  before  he  was  aware  of  it ; 
when,  retiring  from  the  window,  he  said  to  the 
crowd,  with  a  smile,  "  Very  like,  is  it  not? " 

When  one  is  compelled  to  give  up  to  another, 
from  inferior  power  or  the  disadvantage  of  posi- 
tion, there  is  a  mode  of  yielding  which  is  so 
prompt  and  graceful  as  to  take  from  submission 
all  its  dishonour.  As  any  one  is  liable  to  be 
brought  at  some  time  into  that  situation,  this  is  a 
tactic  worth  studying  and  practising.  It  is  said 
that  Count  Grammont,  who  had  been  in  some 
sort  engaged  to  Elizabeth,  daughter  of  Sir  George 
Hamilton,  went  off  suddenly  to  France  without 
providing  for  the  fulfilment  of  his  promises. 
Count  George  Hamilton  immediately  followed, 
and  overtaking  him  at  Dover,  thus  addressed  him, 
"  My  dear  friend,  I  believe  you  have  forgot  a 
108 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


circumstance  which  was  to  take  place  before  your 
return  to  France."  De  Grammont  immediately 
replied,  "  True,  my  dear  friend  ;  what  a  memory 
I  have  !  I  quite  forgot  that  I  was  to  marry  your 
sister;  but  I  will  instantly  accompany  you  back 
to  London,  and  rectify  that  forgetfulness."  * 
This  does  not  seem  to  have  abated  in  the  least 
Count  Hamilton's  lofty  admiration  of  De  Gram- 
mont, for  in  the  most  charming  biography  that 
any  language  can  boast,  he  assigns  him  every 
virtue  that  can  adorn  a  cavalier. 

The  responsibility  that  rests  upon  the  seconds 
in  a  duel,  is  very  great,  and  should  be  seriously 
regarded  by  every  one  whom  circumstances  place 
in  that  unfortunate  position.  The  seconds  may 
always  prevent  a  duel  from  taking  effect,  and 
they  always  ought  to.     They  should  be  astute 


*  1  give  this  anecdote  on  the  authority  of  Walpole,  though 
there  are  some  circumstances  which  appear  to  render  it  very 
improbable.  It  is  related  by  the  authors  of  the  Biographia 
Brittanica  ;  but  I  forget  whom  they  cite  for  it. 

109 


OF   BEHAVIOUR. 


in  inventing  forms  of  apology  and  explanation 
which  may  satisfy  one  party  without  compro- 
mitting  the  honour  of  the  other.  It  is  idle  to  say 
that  the  parties  cannot  be  reconciled j  and  thai 
nothing  will  conquer  their  determination  to  meet- 
Out  of  Ireland,  no  man  has  that  recklessness  of 
life,  and  out  of  hell,  no  man  that  malignity  of 
temper,  which  will  overcome  the  natural  earnest 
wish  of  every  one  to  escape  that  risk,  if  it  can 
be  done  consistently  wdth  reputation.  Something 
may  always  be  contrived  by  which  both  may 
retire  with  flying  colours.  At  all  events,  cer- 
tain unconquerable  impediments,  founded  on  the 
honour  of  the  principals,  may  always  be  inter- 
posed by  the  seconds  to  prevent  the  encounter 
from  occurring. 

The  parties  themselves,  in  the  absence  of  skil- 
ful conduct  on  the  part  of  their  supporters,  have 
often  practised  on  these  principles  with  great 
success.  An  Italian  and  a  Frenchman  happened 
both  to  have  a  bull's  head  in  their  coats  of  arms, 
110 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


and  accordingly  accused  each  other  of  mutual 
usurpations  in  their  quarterings.  A  challenge 
followed  from  the  Frenchman,  and  the  persons 
met.  When  they  were  on  the  point  of  engaging, 
the  Italian  lowered  his  sword,  and  begged  leave, 
with  an  air  of  curiosity,  to  enquire  the  cause  of 
their  quarrel.  "  It  is  because  you  assume  my 
arms,"  said  the  Frenchman.  "  If  that  is  all," 
replied  the  Italian,  "  you  are  mistaken ;  youi 
arms  bear  a  bull's  head,  and  mine  a  cow's." 
The  disputants  parted  without  farther  contro- 
versy. 

To  agree  promptly  to  a  proposal,  in  general, 
and  to  negative  it  by  particular  difficulties  in  car- 
rying it  into  effect,  is  one  of  the  most  finished 
tricks  of  diplomacy.  It  has  often  saved  at  once 
the  honour  and  the  life  of  royal  and  princely 
challengers.  An  amusing  instance  of  it  occurred 
in  the  case  of  a  message  which  passed  between 
Akenside  the  poet,  and  one  Ballow,  a  lawyer  and 
a  wit.  No  apology  could  be  obtained  in  any 
111 


OP  BEHAVIOUR. 


shape,  and  the  demand  of  it  would  not  be  fore- 
gone. But  a  meeting  was  avoided  by  a  resolu- 
tion from  which  neither  would  depart,  that  one 
would  not  fight  in  the  morning,  nor  the  other  in 
the  afternoon. 

When  a  person  goes  to  visit  curious  places,  or 
voyages  into  other  countries,  or  falls  among  par- 
ticularly instructive  people,  he  should  make  it 
his  business  to  gather  all  the  information  which 
circumstances  will  permit  him  to  elicit,  and  to 
lay  it  up  for  use  in  general  and  mixed  company. 
"  I  observe  in  all  my  travels,"  says  Montaigne, 
"this  custom,  ever  to  learn  something  from  the 
information  of  those  with  whom  I  confer  (which 
is  the  best  school  of  all  others),  and  to  put  my 
company  upon  those  subjects  they  are  best  able 
to  speak  of."  Every  one,  by  his  profession  or 
the  accidents  of  his  life,  is  peculiarly  fitted  to 
discourse  upon  some  particular  topics. 

Navita  de  ventis,  de  lauris  narrat  arator, 
Ememorat  miles  vulnera,  pastor  oves.  Prop. 

112 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


On  the  contrary,  vanity  often  prompts  men  to 
talk  of  what  they  know  nothing  about,  to  those 
persons  who  from  their  course  of  business  must 
know  it  thoroughly,  instead  of  listening  to  them 
and  gratifying  them  while  they  instruct  them- 
selves. Such  men  incur  the  censure  which  Ar- 
chidamus  passed  on  Periander,  "  That  he  had 
quitted  the  glory  of  being  an  excellent  physician 
to  gain  the  repute  of  a  very  bad  poet."  The 
true  art  both  of  improvement  and  of  courtesy  is, 
to  put  people  upon  talking  of  that  with  which 
they  are  known  to  be  most  familiar.  These 
remarks  apply  only  to  those  occasional  encoun- 
ters which  are  out  of  the  ordinary  conditions  of 
the  drawing-room.  On  the  platform  of  general 
society,  where  you  meet  a  man  simply  en  gentil- 
homme^  you  are  to  lay  aside  all  recollection  of 
such  peculiarities,  to  merge  the  professional  in 
the  general  character,  and  to  treat  persons  as  if 
they  were  equally  conversant  with  every  branch 
p  113 


OF  BEHAVIOUR. 


of  knowledge.  We  must,  of  course,  except  those 
cases  where  there  is  a  manifest  desire  to  display 
a  particular '  hobby.'  Every  one  who  approached 
Mr.  Erskine  felt  it  his  duty,  I  believe,  to  talk 
about  trial  by  jury. 

The  conferring  of  a  benefit  is  an  act  that  re- 
quires great  skill  and  care.  To  most  men,  the 
acceptance  of  an  advantage  carries  with  it  so 
instinctive  a  sense  of  inferiority,  that  if  the  deed 
be  accompanied  by  a  haughty  or  contemptuous 
manner,  it  will  certainly  provoke  a  smothered 
resentment.  Count  Hamilton  remarks  of  De 
Grammont,  who  was  generous  even  to  extrava- 
gance, that  "  his  manner  of  conferring  a  favour, 
exceeded  even  the  favour  itself."  An  air  of  in- 
difference, and  the  tone  of  a  man  who  seems  un- 
conscious that  he  has  done  a  kindness,  are  neces- 
sary to  give  full  effect  to  liberality.  If  there  be 
apparent,  a  design  to  extort  gratitude,  it  will 
inevitably  excite  disgust  and  hatred. 
114 


TITLE    V. 
CONVERSATION. 


The  world  is  nothing  but  babble.  —  Montaigne. 


Conversation  is  the  field  to  which  a  ma*  .«f 
sense  instinctively  resorts  for  his  best  displays 
and  noblest  triumphs;  it  is  that  on  which  the 
pretensions  of  a  fool  are  most  certain  to  be  de- 
tected. As  long  as  the  exhibition  is  confined  to 
manner,  "many  a  blockhead,"  as  Sir  Fopling 
expresses  it,  "  varnished  over  with  good-breed- 
ing, makes  a  tolerable  show  ;"  and  if  that  philo- 
sopher was  right  who  refused  to  pronounce  upon 
the  happiness  of  a  man  until  he  was  dead,  we 
should  with  equal  propriety  answer  to  any  en- 
quiry about  the  abilities  of  a  stranger,  "  wait  till 
he  has  spoken."  Whatever  may  be  the  impor- 
115 


CONVERSATION. 


tance  of  manner  and  of  exterior,  he  who  con- 
verses the  best,  will  always  be  the  most  admired 
and  the  most  successful.  "  When  we  have  taken 
our  best  pains  about  the  outside,"  says  Lady 
Easy,  "  'tis  the  beauty  of  the  mind  alone  that 
gives  us  lasting  value." 

The  fashionable  talk  that  prevails  at  balls  and 
parties,  is,  to  be  sure,  a  frivolous  thing  enough. 
To  give  any  suggestions  for  its  conduct  would  be 
to  define  the  limits  of  a  summer  cloud,  or  to  an- 
alyze its  colours  which  are  changing  while  we 
gaze.  We  may  ask  now,  as  it  was  asked  a  cen- 
tury ago  in  the  "  Careless  Husband,"  "  What 's 
half  the  conversation  of  most  of  the  fine  young 
people  about  town  but  a  perpetual  affectation  of 
appearing  foremost  in  the  knowledge  of  manners, 
new  modes,  and  scandal  1 "  We  may  apply  to  it 
the  language  in  which  Scaliger  described  the 
style  of  Ramus,  "  a  river  of  words  and  a  drop 
of  intellect."  It  is  vain  to  hope  for  any  improve- 
ment in  this  matter ;  this  mode  is  sustained  by 
116 


CONVERSATION. 


persons  whose  understandings  cannot  reach  to 
anything  better, — whose  minds  are  "  a  kind  of 
yesty  collection,  which  carries  them  through  the 
most  fanned  and  winnowed  opinions"  and  through 
none  other.  This  fashionable,  drawing-room  chat, 
is  of  a  sort  resembling  that  described  by  Gellms 
— "eorum  orationem  bene  existimatum  est  in  oro 
nasci,  non  in  pectore" — it  is  born  upon  the  lips 
and  not  within  the  breast.  Leves,  et  futiles,  et 
importuni  locutores,  quique  nullo  rerum  pondere 
innixi  verbis  humidis  et  lapsantibus  difflucent; 
light  orators,  who  on  the  current  of  a  soft  and 
fluent  loquacity,  float  along,  unfreighted  with  the 
weight  of  thoughts. 

But  even  among  the  gayest  people  of  mode 
there  is  room,  at  certain  seasons,  for  a  better 
style,  and  among  well-bred  men  of  sense  and 
dignity,  the  conversation  that  usually  prevails  is 
of  a  kind  to  require  high  talents  and  deep  culti- 
vation. An  admirable  passage  in  St.  Evremond 
happily  sets  forth,  in  brief,  most  of  the  consi- 
117 


CONVERSATION. 


derations  needful  to  be  regarded  by  a  converse!. 
'*  In  this  kind  of  commerce,"  says  he,  "  with 
our  equals  and  inferiors,  we  should  use  an  easi- 
ness of  address,  obliging  manners,  a  ready  and 
respectful  attention  to  what  they  utter ;  and  avoid 
a  display  of  superiority,  either  of  our  talents  or 
acquisitions ;  which  caution  will  defend  us  from 
the  hate  and  envy  of  those  with  whom  we  asso- 
ciate. Those  among  whom  we  use  expressions 
cf  inattention  and  contempt,  or  pronounce  senti- 
ments with  too  much  warmth  and  predilection, 
will  either  avoid  us,  or  seek  occasion  to  injure  us 
by  secret  acts  of  malevolence,  excited  by  painful 
feelings  of  inferiority.  Such  is  the  nature  of 
man.  On  the  contrary,  when  we  assume  no  airs 
of  importance,  those  who  know  our  capacities, 
and  those  who  are  made  acquainted  with  them 
afterwards,  esteem  our  acquaintance  more,  and 
view  our  talents  at  a  higher  rate,  than  if  we  had 
endeavoured  to  blazon  them  ourselves.  To  gain 
the  good-will  of  those  with  whom  we  converse, 
118 


CONVERSATION. 


the  infallible  method  is,  to  be  the  cause  of  their 
displaying  the  acquisitions  which  they  possess, 
and  to  keep  our  own  back.  Self-love,  here,  is 
gratified  in  every  speaker ;  and  he  values  us  as 
the  means  of  making  himself  more  conspicuous 
and  important." 

Avoid  opposition  and  argument  in  conversa- 
tion. Rarely  controvert  opinions  ;  never  contra- 
dict sentiments.  The  expression  of  a  feeling 
should  be  received  as  a  fact  which  is  not  the 
subject  of  confutation.  Those  who  wrangle  in 
company  render  themselves  odious  by  disturbing 
the  equanimity  of  their  companion,  and  compel- 
ling him  to  defend  and  give  a  reason  for  his 
opinion,  when  perhaps  he  is  neither  capable  nor 
inclined  to  do  it.  What  would  be  thought  of  the 
courtesy  of  the  person  who  should  say  to  one 
who  had  just  made  a  remark,  "  Now,  Sir,  I  will 
show  you  that  you  are  a  fool,  and  that  the  ob- 
servation which  you  have  uttered,  is  nonsense"  1 
Yet  that  is  the  amount  of  attacking  what  anothei 
119 


CONVERSATION. 


has  said,  and  applying  yourself  to  confute  it.  If 
your  companion  has  been  so  ill-bred  as  to  assail 
your  remark  directly,  you  should  not  defend  it, 
but  receive  his  assault  in  silence,  and  presently 
pass  on  to  something  else.  Of  course,  this  does 
not  apply  to  a  case  where  two  friends,  alone,  are 
discussing  a  subject  for  the  sake  of  truth. 

Opposite  to  this,  lies  the  stupid  fault  of  always 
acquiescing  in  what  another  says,  and  adopting 
that  opinion  not  only  as  the  truth,  but  as  the 
whole  truth  upon  the  subject.  It  is  very  annoy- 
ing to  feel  that  you  are  conversing  with  one  who 
has  no  mental  identity,  and  whose  fungus-like 
thoughts  have  no  existence  save  as  they  cling  to 
your  mind.  We  feel  ourselves  degraded  by  the 
nearness  of  a  thing  so  pitiable.  It  was  well  said 
by  Chevreau  that  there  were  two  classes  of  men 
whose  conversation  was  equally  disagreeable ; 
those  who  always  contradicted  and  disputed 
what  you  said ;  and  those  who  agreed  and  as- 
sented so  humbly  and  yieldingly  that  one  felt 
120 


CONVERSATION. 


inclined  to  cry  out  with  the  enraged  orator  to  his 

quiet   antagonist,  "  Do  contradict  me,  to  prove 

that  we  are  two  persons." 

In  conversation,  taste  is  worth  more  than  talent. 

The  ability  to  employ  power  well,  is  the  best 

sort  of  power.     We  meet  with  hundreds  of  men 

who  if  they  showed  half  their  wit  and  genius 

better  disposed  and  put,  would  go  for  a  great  deal 

more  than  they  do.    The  manner  of  exhibition  is 

as  much  to  be  studied  as  the  matter  which  is  to 

be  exhibited  ;  for  full  as  much  depends  on  it. 

We  encounter  many  in  relation  to  whom  we  feel 

what  Quinctilian  says  of  Seneca,  "  velles  cum 

suo  ingenio  dixisse,  alieno  judicio," — would  that 

he  used  his  own  genius  with  another's  judgment. 

Not  to  display  too  much  is  as  important  as  to 

have  enough.     That  which 

Fatigues  the  ring, 
Flaunts,  and  goes  down  an  unregarded  thing. 

There  are  many  persons  whose  conversational 
Q  121 


CONVERSATION. 


merit  might  be  likened  to  an  orifice,  which  be- 
comes greater,  the  more  you  take  away. 

In  conversation,  a  well-bred  man  should  em- 
ploy learning,  as  Cicero  says  that  metaphors 
should  be  used  ;  which  he  likens  to  virgins,  that 
should  exhibit  themselves  sparingly  and  with 
reserve,  but  should  appear  without  any  affecta- 
tion. Much  learning  can  scarcely  be  displayed 
in  any  manner  without  the  charge  of  pedantry. 
Yet  a  certain  degree  of  knowledge  is  conve- 
nient in  every  station.  A  courtier  presented  Sir 
Matthew  Dekker  to  King  George  the  Second,  as 
the  distinguished  author  of  St.  Matthew's  gospel. 

Men  who  tell  stories  briefly  and  well,  are  gene- 
rally liked.  But  to  tell  nothing  else  than  stories, 
as  many  do,  is  not  only  likely  to  be  tiresome,  but 
to  be  offensive.  A  professional  raconteur  is  in 
danger  of  wounding  the  self-love  of  his  auditors, 
who  do  not  like  to  be  shadowed  and  silenced  by 
a  man  who  produces  nothing  from  his  own  mind, 
and  who  conquers  by  no  superior  display  of  in- 
123 


CONVERSATION. 

tellect,  but  by  a  mere  trick  of  memory.  That 
character  is  more  agreeable  in  one  who  by  age, 
or  distinction  vindicated  in  some  other  field,  is  an 
admitted  superior,  than  in  one  who  is  the  equal 
and  rival  of  all  the  company.  Menage,  whose 
reading  was  various  and  whose  memory  was  im- 
mense, was  one  day  entertaining  some  ladies  with 
a  variety  of  stories  which  he  had  picked  out  of 
books.  After  he  had  gone  on  for  some  time,  Ma- 
dame Rambouillet,  who  Avas  familiar  with  this 
method  of  conversation  on  his  part,  suddenly 
called  out,  "  This  is  all  very  fine.  Sir,  but  give 
us  now  immediately  something  of  your  own  in- 
vention." The  famous  Segrais  had  this  habit  sc 
strongly  that  some  one  said  of  him  that  he  only 
wanted  winding  up,  in  order  to  go  for  a  fortnight. 
Place  and  time  should  be  carefully  considered 
in  judging  of  the  fitness  of  relating  anecdotes. 
There  are  many  seasons  at  which  it  is  w^holly 
unbecoming.  At  a  large  evening  party  it  should 
be  entirely  avoided.  The  demands  on  manner 
123 


CONVERSATION. 


are  at  such  times  so'constant  and  quickly-chang- 
ing-, that  the  attention  ought  not  to  be  fixed  for 
any  length  of  time ;  and  people  are  all  so  ani- 
mated and  excited  that  they  want  to  talk  and 
look,  and  not  listen.  For  the  same  reason,  long 
discourses  and  harangues  are  to  be  avoided  at 
such  scenes.  In  a  tete-a-tete,  or  an  evening  visit, 
or  after  dinner,  pleasant  stories  are  pleasing ;  but 
still,  even  then,  reference  is  to  be  had  to  the  tone 
and  humour  of  the  company.  If  persons  are  in 
a  brisk  mood  and  want  to  talk,  you  will  not  gra- 
tify them  by  compelling  them  to  listen ;  if  they 
are  dull  and  inclined  to  be  taciturn,  they  will  be 
glad  to  be  relieved  from  the  labour  of  conversing. 
The  minute  circumstantiality  of  those  narrators 
who  exhibit  every  particular  of  an  event,  with 
the  truth  and  tastelessness  of  a  Chinese  repre- 
sentation, is  excessively  annoying.  The  salient 
mirth  of  the  audience  is  eager  to  pounce  upon 
the  point  of  the  story ;  and  the  stupid  details  that 
124 


CONVERSATION. 


keep  them  back,  fret  them  as  much  as  the  leash 
chafes  the  grey-hound  when  the  hare  is  in  sight. 
This  accuracy  is  one  of  the  superstitions  of  age. 
The  old  deal  with  the  commonest  incidents  as 
the  rabbins  did  with  the  language  of  Scripture, 
giving  to  every  word  and  letter  the  significance 
of  a  divine  oracle ;  or  as  the  Augustin  monks 
were  wont  to  dwell  on  the  minutest  expletives  of 
style  in  the  Evangely,  as  if  they  were  the  most 
important  parts  of  the  narration.  One  of  this 
fraternity,  discoursing  on  that  passage  where  it 
is  said  that  the  servants  of  the  High  Priest 
warmed  themselves,  addressed  his  audience  with 
great  solemnity  in  these  words  :  "  My  brethren, 
ye  are  to  notice  that  the  Evangelist  is  not  con- 
tent to  mention  this  circumstance  merely  as  an 
historian  would,  by  the  words  '  calefaciebant 
se,'  they  warmed  themselves ;  but  adds,  in  the 
spirit  of  a  philosopher,  '  quia  frigus  erat,'  be- 
cause it  was  cold."  It  was  said  of  Pliny's  ac- 
count of  his  villas,  that  it  was  written  with  as 
125 


CONVERSATION. 


much  minuteness  of  detail  as  if  Pliny  had  in- 
tended to  put  them  up  to  sale.  This  auctioneer 
style  of  description  may  often  be  met  with  among 
the  aged. 

The  narrator  of  a  story  should  keep  a  keen  eye 
upon  his  company,  and  prolong  or  shorten  his 
details  according  to  the  temper  of  uneasiness  or 
acquiescence  which  he  perceives  them  display. 
An  orator,  during  the  troubles  of  the  league  in 
France,  began  a  discourse  which  he  said  he 
would  divide  into  thirteen  heads  ;  but  perceiving 
a  murmur  of  discontent  among  his  audience  at 
this  fearful  announcement,  he  immediately  con- 
tinued with  great  readiness  of  mind,  "  I  shall  at 
present,  however,  omit  a  dozen  of  them." 

Some  persons  have  an  awkward  habit  of  re- 
peating the  most  striking  parts  of  a  story,  espe- 
cially the  main  point,  if  it  has  taken  greatly  the 
first  time.  This  is  in  very  bad  taste,  and  always 
excites  disgust.  In  most  cases,  the  story  pleased 
the  first  time,  only  because  it  was  unexpected. 
V26 


CONVERSATION. 


One  of  the  first  virtues  of  conversation  is  to 
be  perspicuous  and  intelligible.  Those  quaint 
and  affected  constructions,  and  high-flown,  book- 
ish phrases,  in  which  some  indulge,  to  the  em- 
barrassment of  those  they  talk  to,  are  in  bad  taste 
and  should  be  avoided.  There  have  indeed  at 
times  appeared  writers  and  schools  of  rhetoric 
who  cultivated  obscurity  as  a  merit.  Lycophron 
publicly  declared  that  he  would  hang  himself  if 
any  one  was  found  who  could  understand  his 
poem  of  Cassandra.  A  man  of  good  sense  will 
always  make  a  point  of  using  the  plainest  and 
simplest  words  that  will  convey  his  meaning; 
and  will  bear  in  mind  that  his  principal  or  only 
business  is  to  lodge  his  idea  in  the  mind  of  his 
hearer.  The  same  remark  applies  to  distinctness 
of  articulation;  and  Hannah  More  has  justly  ob* 
served  that  to  speak  so  that  people  can  hear  you 
is  one  of  the  minor  virtues. 

Those  who  have  generosity  enough  to  care  for 
the  feelings  of  others,  or  self-regard  enough  to 
127 


CONVERSATION. 


covet  good-will,  will  be  careful  to  avoid  every 
display  of  wit  which  wounds  another.  It  is  a 
happy  circumstance  for  the  honour  of  our  nature, 
and  one  very  characteristical  of  the  kindness  of 
Providence,  that  a  display  of  the  easiest  moral 
virtues  will  generally  bring  us  more  popularity 
than  the  exhibition  of  the  greatest  talents  with- 
out them. 

Parts  may  be  praised,  good  nature  is  ador'd; 
Then  draw  your  wit  as  seldom  as  your  sword, 
And  never  on  the  weak. 

Those  who  scatter  brilliant  jibes  without  caring 
whom  they  wound,  are  as  unwise  as  they  are  un- 
kind. Those  sharp  little  sarcasms  that  bear  a 
sting  in  their  words,  rankle  long,  sometimes  for- 
ever, in  the  mind,  and  fester  often  into  a  fatal 
hatred  never  to  be  abated. 

Hoerit  lateri  Icthalis  arundo.  —  Virg. 

If  from  among  the  various  anecdotes  that  are 
told,  illustrative  of  the  manners  of  Louis  XIV., 
we  were  to  select  that  which  places  his  claim  to 
128 


CONVERSATION. 


thorough  breeding  and  refinement  on  the  highest 
eminence  of  certainty,  we  should  choose  a  story 
that  is  thus  related  by  one  of  the  best  historians 
of  his  country.  The  king  one  day  entertained  a 
part}''  of  hrs  courtiers  with  the  relation  of  a  cir- 
cumstance which  he  had  announced  as  extremely 
laughable  ;  but  on  the  entrance  of  Prince  Ar- 
magnac,  he  suppressed  a  fine  repartee,  which  con- 
stituted the  merit  of  the  story.  The  whole  circle 
felt  themselves  disappointed,  which  was  seldom 
the  case  when  his  majesty  promised  them  enter- 
tainment, and  were  therefore  surprised.  The 
king  observed  it,  but  said  nothing  till  the  prince 
departed.  "Now,  gentlemen,  I'll  make  you 
laugh,"  said  he,  and  accordingly  gave  them  the 
anecdote  unmutilated,  which  produced  in  a  high 
degree,  the  proposed  effect.  "  You  see,"  sub- 
joined Louis,  "there  was  an  oblique  stroke  that 
would  have  affected  the  prince,  and  I  suppressed 
it,  to  prevent  his  being  embarrassed  ;  for  I  would 
rather  lose  the  reputation  of  the  best  ban  mot  that 
B  129 


CONVERSATION. 


was  ever  uttered,  than  give  a  moment's  pain  to 
any  individual." 

To  avoid  wounding  the  feelings  of  another,  is 
the  key  to  almost  every  problem  of  manners  that 
can  be  proposed ;  and  he  who  will  always  regu- 
late his  sayings  and  doings  by  that  principle, 
may  chance  to  break  some  conventional  rule,  but 
will  rarely  violate  any  of  the  essentials  of  good- 
breeding.  Judgment  and  attention  are  as  neces- 
sary to  fulfil  this  precept,  as  the  disposition  ;  for, 
by  inadvertence  or  folly,  as  much  pain  may  be 
given  as  by  designed  malevolence.  An  instance 
of  this  occurred  when  the  beautiful  but  silly 
Countess  of  Coventry  w?s  talking  to  George  the 
Second,  towards  the  close  of  that  monarch's 
reign,  about  shows,  and  remarked  that  the  sight 
which  she  was  most  anxious  to  see  was  a  corona- 
tion. 

That  temper  which  is  termed  absence  of  mind 
often  leads  very  amiable  men  to  do  unconsciously 
what  the  boldest  malice  would  not  dare.  Bishop 
130 


CONVERSATION. 


Burnet,  who  was  one  of  the  most  distrait  men  in 
England,  was  invited  to  dine  with  Prince  Eu- 
gene soon  after  his  arrival  in  England  ;  and  his 
host,  knowing  the  bishop's  humour,  exhorted 
him  to  abstain  very  carefully  from  any  allusion 
to  the  family  disasters  of  the  distinguished  for- 
eigner, and  the  bishop  thereupon  discreetly  re- 
solved to  hold  his  tongue  altogether  during  the 
repast.  The  prince,  however,  who  had  heard  of 
Burnet,  asked  him  how  long  it  was  since  he  had 
been  in  France.  The  Doctor,  somewhat  embar- 
rassed by  being  obliged  to  deviate  from  the  rule 
he  had  appointed  for  himself,  replied,  hurriedly, 
that  he  was  in  France  in  the  same  year  that  the 
Countess  of  Soissons  was  imprisoned  for  poison- 
ing a  person.  The  Countess,  it  will  be  remem- 
bered, was  the  Prince's  mother. 

The  same  divine  one  day  dining  with  his  pa- 
troness, Sarah,  Duchess  of  Marlborough,  com- 
pared the  Duke  who  had  been  deprived  of  his 
places  by  the  Court,  to  Belisarius.   The  Duchess 
131 


CONVERSATION. 


asked  what  was  the  principal  cause  of  the  down- 
fal  of  the  latter.  "  Ah,  madam,"  replied  Burnet, 
*'  he  had  such  a  brimstone  of  a  wife ! "  The 
appropriateness  of  this  remark  to  Pope's  Atossa 
may  readily  be  conceived. 

There  are  many  persons,  and  they  are  chiefly 
to  be  found  among-  elderly  unmarried  women 
whose  breasts  are  full  of  the  gall  of  inhuman 
bitterness,  who  not  only  disregard  wholly  that 
attention  to  the  feelings  of  others  which  we  have 
spoken  of,  but  who  appear  to  think  that  malice 
and  rudeness  are  the  best  or  only  wit.  There  are 
many  writers  and  talkers  whose  whole  staple  of 
wit  is  malevolence ;  and  Boileau  happily  dis- 
closed the  distinction  which  separated  legitimate 
satire  from  mere  abuse,  when  he  replied  to  some 
one  who  remarked  that  Racine  was  his  equal  in 
satire,  "  You  should  rather  have  said  that  he 
is  my  superior  in  malice."  That  accomplished 
poet,  whose  temper  was  as  amiable  as  his  pen 
was  keen,  elegantly  described  the  pleasant  and 
132 


COWERS  A  TIO\. 

affable  discourse  which  he  used,  oy  saying  that 
it  had  neither  claws  nor  talons.*  It  is  that  style 
which  a  well-bred  man  should  endeavour  to 
attain. 

When  you  are  in  one  company,  you  should 
avoid  exclusive  panegyrics  of  others,  or  eulogies 
of  the  pleasantness  of  other  places,  times,  or  peo- 
ple. That  always  implies  some  contempt  or  dis- 
like of  those  you  are  with ;  and  it  is  apt  to  give 
great  offence.  A  Frenchman  often  lamented  his 
first  wife  in  the  presence  of  his  second,  w^ho  at 
length  said  to  him  with  a  most  pardonable  and 
natural  severity,  "  Monsieur,  je  vous  assure  qu'il 
n'y  a  personne  qui  la  regrette  plus  que  moi." 

Vanity  is  a  most  offensive  thing  in  conversa- 
tion, for  many  reasons,  one  of  which  is '  well 
stated  by  Walpole, — "  because  it  wounds  one's 
own  vanity."     But  of  the  various  sorts  which 

*  Very  opposite  is  the  manner  of  that  large  class  who  con- 
stitute 

"The  would-be  wits,  and  can't  be  gentlemen."  — Beppo. 
133 


CONVERSATION. 


life  displays,  perhaps  the  cant  and  vanity  of  au- 
thorship is  the  most  disgusting.  Every  one 
whose  fate  it  has  been  to  be  at  all  "dipped  in 
ink," — and  in  this  age  and  country,  authorial 
honours  are  as  rife  as  civic  ones, — should  be 
most  carefully  on  his  guard  to  banish  from  his 
manner  and  talk,  all  traces  of  the  pen.  In  this 
matter,  as  in  many  others,  Scott  was  a  great 
model.  It  was  said  of  Swift,  who  abhorred  the 
cant  of  religion,  that  one  might  have  lived  under 
the  same  roof  with  him  for  a  month  without  dis- 
covering that  he  ever  said  his  prayers ;  and  it  is 
equally  certain  that  one  might  have  resided  a 
year  with  Scott,  without  guessing  that  he  had 
ever  written  a  book.  It  was  very  accurately 
observed  of  Byron  and  Scott,  that  the  former 
detested  and  the  latter  despised,  the  cant  of 
authorship. 

There  are  some  ludicrous  anecdotes  told  of  the 
vanity  of  small  geniuses  in  various  countries, 
Santeul,  in  France,  who  wrote  moderate  poetry, 
134 


CONVERSATION. 


which  has  long  since  gone  to  its  place,  used  to 
say  when  he  had  finished  any  favourite  piece, 
*'  Now  I  will  go,  and  put  chains  all  along  the 
bridges  of  the  town,  to  prevent  my  brother  bards 
from  drov(;'ning  themselves."  Dennis  once  wrote 
a  play  called  "  Liberty  Asserted,"  which  became 
popular  on  account  of  the  virulent  abuse  of  the 
French  nation  with  which  it  abounded,  and  the 
author  thought  it  was  of  such  political  conse- 
quence, that  Louis  XIV.  would  certainly  stipu- 
late, whenever  peace  was  to  be  concluded,  that 
the  writer  should  be  delivered  up  to  his  resent- 
ment. Under  this  apprehension  he  applied  to  the 
Duke  of  Marlborough  for  his  good  offices  when 
the  treaty  of  Utrecht  was  in  agitation.  The  Duke 
very  gravely  told  him  that  his  interest  with  the 
persons  then  in  the  ministry  was  small,  but  that 
he  hoped  the  danger  was  not  so  great  as  he  ima- 
gined ;  for  that  he  himself  had  made  no  applica- 
tion for  security  in  the  articles  of  peace,  and  yet 
he  could  not  help  thinking  that  he  had  done  the 
136 


CONVERSATION. 


French  king  almost  as  much  harm  as  Mr.  Dennis 
had  done. 

The  same  author  being  once  on  a  visit  to  a 
friend  who  lived  on  the  coast  of  Sussex,  saw  a 
ship  making  towards  the  land.  Taking  it  into  his 
head  that  this  was  a  French  vessel  coming  to 
seize  him,  he  exclaimed,  that  he  was  betrayed, 
and  instantly  made  the  best  of  his  way  to  Lon*- 
don,  without  taking  leave  of  his  host.  Might 
we  not  conjecture  that  if  the  fears  which  occa- 
sioned the  precipitate  flight  of  a  distinguished 
modern  English  poet  from  Italy,  to  escape  the 
wrath  of  Napoleon,  were  not  wholly  suggested 
by  similar  vanity,  they  were  at  least  largely  ex- 
aggerated by  such  a  quality  ]  * 

The  vanity  of  intimating  that  others  value  yon 
highly,  or  esteem  jou  affectionately,  is  extremely 
paltry  and  absurd.   To  let  it  be  known  that  a  dis- 

*  See  the  "  Biograpliia  Literaria"  for  Coleridge's  own  state- 
ment of  the  affair,  and  Cottle's  "  Recollections  of  Coleridge" 
for  the  strange  details  of  the  escape. 

13G 


CONVERSATION. 


tinguished  man  asked  their  opinion  on  a  certain 
point,  or  expressed  such  an  opinion  as  to  their 
character  or  abilities,  is  a  favourite  mode  of  self- 
puffing  among  shallow  parasites ;  but  as  every- 
body sees  that  they  themselves  pull  the  puppets 
which  thus  pay  them  homage,  it  generally  goes 
for  nothing.  You  have  such  a  contempt  for  the 
character  of  a  man  who  descends  to  that  little- 
ness, that  you  do  not  hesitate  to  pronounce  him  a 
liar,  to  boot.  A  fanatic  in  Germany  once  went  to 
the  expense  of  having  a  plate  engraved,  in  which 
he  was  represented  kneeling  before  a  crucifix, 
with  a  label  from  his  mouth,  "  Lord  Jesus,  do 
you  love  me  3"  and  from  the  mouth  of  Jesus 
proceeded  another  label,  "Yes,  most  illustrious, 
most  excellent,  and  most  learned  Sigerus,  crowned 
poet  of  his  Imperial  Majesty,  and  most  worthy 
rector  of  the  University  of  Wittenberg,  yes,  I 
love  you." 

Whatever  may  be  your  company,  always  talk 
your  best,  and  endeavour  as  far  as  is  in  youi 
s  137 


COI^VERSATION. 


power,  to  conciliate  and  please  those  who  are 
near  you.  Dr.  Johnson,  who  was  admitted  to 
have  been  or  years  the  best  talker  in  England, 
said  that  he  had  attained  his  proficiency  by  re- 
solving in  early  life  always  to  speak  in  the  most 
correct  and  elegant  form  of  words  which  he  could 
construct,  and  never  to  utter  anything  in  a  negli- 
gent or  slovenly  style.  Strive  to  gain  the  good 
opinion  of  those  around  you,  but  do  not  value 
that  opinion  too  highly.  Much  of  the  awkward- 
ness and  nervousness  of  young  persons,  and 
many  of  their  failures,  proceed  from  their  feeling 
too  high  a  respect  for  others,  and  too  much  defe- 
rence to  their  presence.  Exhibit  outward  respect 
to  those  whom  you  wish  to  gain ;  but  in  your 
own  mind,  fear  no  man.  Hold  yourself  equal  to 
any  man  and  to  anything;  accustom  yourself  to 
scrutinize  and  confute  the  opinions  of  others,  in 
order  that  you  may  have  confidence  when  you  are 
wuth  them.  Attach  as  great  a  value  as  you  please 
to  the  remarks  of  others,  as  truths,  but  little  to 
138 


CONVERSATION. 


them  as  opinions.  Venerate  no  man's  intellect; 
worship  no  man's  understanding.  Appreciate 
their  power;  but  do  not  bow  before  their  minds. 
A  gentleman  should  always  carry  a  certain  sin- 
cerity and  truth  into  his  compliments  and  even 
his  lightest  flattery.  He  owes  it  as  well  to  the 
dignity  of  his  understanding,  as  to  his  moral 
principle,  not  to  indulge  in  the  habitual  use  of 
language  that  is  senseless  or  false.  Many  per- 
sons in  society  appear  to  look  upon  the  language 
of  compliment  as  a  style  of  phrase  beyond  the 
considerations  of  reason  and  morality.  Such  per- 
sons remind  one  of  the  shepherd  described  by  an 
Italian  writer,  as  living  in  a  part  of  the  country 
in  the  kingdom  of  Naples  which  was  greatly  in- 
fested with  robbers  and  murderers.  At  confes- 
sion, he  acknowledged  with  much  sorrow  and 
contrition,  that  once  on  a  fast-day  he  had  drunk 
some  drops  of  milk.  "  Does  your  conscience 
upbraid  you  with  no  other  wickedness?"  said 
the  confessor.  "  None,"  replied  the  penitent. 
139 


CONVERSATION. 


"Did  you  never  join  any  of  your  countrymen  in 
Bobbmg  and  murdering  passenger's  1 "  "  O  yes  ! 
very  often,  good  father ! "  said  the  other ;  "  but 
we  do  not  look  upon  that  as  a  matter  of  con- 
science." 

On  the  other  hand,  those  run  into  an  opposite 
and  equally  faulty  extreme  who  oppose  con- 
science to  every  form  of  words  which  leaves 
truth  in  quest  of  courtesy.  Erroneously  con- 
ceiving that  all  is  false  that  is  not  literal,  they 
refuse  to  deviate  from  preciseness,  whatever  may 
be  the  compulsion  of  politeness  or  pleasure.  We 
debate  no  question  of  morals  with  these  people, 
for  we  are  as  devoted  advocates  of  truth  as  they 
are ;  it  is  a  mistake  of  judgment  which  we  charge 
upon  them.  A  man  may  quit  exactness  without 
leaving  truth,  and  he  may  adhere  to  it  without 
gaining  truth.  "  The  vice  of  lying,"  says  St. 
Evremond,  "does  not  consist  properly  in  its  op- 
Dosition  to  fact.  We  may  say  many  things  which 
are  not  facts  without  incurring  the  guilt  and 
140 


CONVERSATION. 


shame  of  a  lie.  Compliments  are  white  lies; 
and  not  only  permitted,  but  enforced  by  custom. 
Such  modes  of  speech  are  not  considered  in  their 
literal  sense  ;  but  as  forms  of  civility.  The  vice 
of  lying  really  consists  in  conveying-  a  false 
idea." 

Readiness  in  contriving,  and  grace  in  offering, 
compliments,  are  talents  very  necessary  to  be  had 
by  a  man  of  the  world.  If  he  is  disinclined  to 
practise  them  merely  for  rendering  himself  agree- 
able, and  for  gratifying  harmlessly  those  whom 
he  frequents,  he  should  have  them  at  command 
for  parrying  unpleasant  attacks  and  questions, 
and  turning  aside  disagreeable  subjects  of  con- 
versation. Very  often,  an  onset,  prompted  by  ill- 
will  or  wantonness,  is  made  upon  one,,  or  enqui- 
ries of  a  sort  which  are  not  liked,  are  directed, 
and  no  other  method  of  shunning  the  inconve- 
nience can  be  found,  than  to  give  the  discourse  a 
turn  highly  flattering  to  the  party  proposing  it, 
A  lady  attacked  the  Siamese  ambassador  at  the 
141 


CONVERSATION. 


French  court,  on  account  of  the  people  of  his 
nation  having  so  many  wives,  while  those  of  her 
own  had  but  one.  "  Madam,"  he  replied,  "  could 
we  find  in  our  country,  any  one  woman  of  the 
beauty,  graces  and  intelligence  of  your  ladyship, 
we  also  should  never  have  more  than  one  wife.'* 
Tiie  use  of  epithets  is  an  accurate  test  of  good 
sense  and  of  good-breeding.  A.  profusion  of  them, 
and  of  strong  ones  particularly,  is  a  vice  in  style ; 
and  a  defective  style  always  argues  a  defective 
mind.  To  select  and  apply  them  well  is  proof 
of  a  discriminating  intellect.  Coleridge  used  to 
tell  a  story  of  his  standing  near  a  waterfall 
among  the  Alps,  and  looking  at  it  in  silence, 
while  a  Londoner  whom  he  did  not  know,  was 
engaged  in  the  same  occupation.  After  some 
time,  the  stranger  turned  towards  him,  and  said, 
"how  majestic  it  is!"  The  poet  laid  his  hand 
upon  his  shoulder;  "My  friend,"  said  he,  "you 
have  employed  the  word  which  is  of  all  others 
143 


CONVERSATION. 


the  most  appropriate."  "  Yes,"  cried  the  cock- 
ney, gratified  by  a  commendation  which  he  did 
not  understand,  "  yes,  it  is  really  beautiful ! "  . . . 
Scaliger  said  that  he  once  heard  a  man  who  saw 
the  ocean  for  the  first  time,  pronounce  it  "a 
pretty  thing." 

But  however  reason  may  be  involved  in  the 
use  of  such  words,  violent  adjectives  are  deci- 
dedly in  bad  ton.  The  expressions,  "  elegant," 
"splendid,"  "noble,"  &c.,  doul-tless  have  a 
fitness  to  certain  subjects,  and  in  certain  places 
and  times  ;  but  in  society  their  use  can  rarely  be 
consistent  with  perfectly  good  taste.  The  safest 
word  is  good.  Tiiat  is  the  most  frequent  word  in 
the  circles  of  high  fashion;  it  is  almost  always 
appropriate,  and  it  is  particularly  consistent  with 
that  composure  and  calmness  which  characterize 
distinguished  breeding.  At  present,  the  collo- 
quial language  of  England  is,  in  the  department 
of  adjectives,  pretty  nearly  reduced  to  good  for 
things,  and  nice  for  persons. 
143 


CONVERSATION. 


In  conveying  sentiments  and  impressions,  a 
vast  deal  depends  on  the  choice  of  words.  There 
's  a  suggestiveness  of  good  or  ill  in  words  whose 
direct  sense  does  not  involve  matter  of  feeling  at 
all.  They  have  a  meaning  side-ways,  as  well  as 
directly.  The  Arabians  have  an  anecdote  illus- 
trative of  thii?.  The  caliph  Abu  Almansor  sent 
for  two  astrologers  to  cast  his  horoscope.  The 
first,  being  admitted,  went  through  a  good  deal 
of  jugglery,  and  concluded  by  saying  that  all  the 
caliph's  rivals  would  die  before  him :  the  caliph 
dismissed  him  without  recompense.  The  other, 
coming  in  and  going  through  similar  tricks,  said 
that  the  caliph  would  outlive  all  other  aspirants 
to  the  caliphate.  He  was  sent  away  richly  re- 
warded. 

As  an  illustration  of  what  we  mean,  a  gentle- 
man, if  he  had  occasion  to  notice  any  defect  or 
inferiority,  in  a  matter  of  any  delicacy,  would 
say  that  the  thing  in  question  was  "  less  excel- 
144 


CONVERSATION. 


lent"  or  "  less  becoming,"  and  not  that  it  was 
"nriore  unbecoming"  or  "more  disagreeable." 

Some  persons  have  a  plebeian  rage  of  con- 
versing and  being  seen  to  converse  with  people 
of  eminence ; — like  the  low  fellow  who  boasted 
that  the  king  had  spoken  to  him  ;  and  being 
asked  what  his  majesty  had  said,  replied,  "  He 
bade  me  stand  out  of  his  way."  There  are  par' 
venus  who  will  put  up  with  a  great  deal  of  con- 
tempt, and  will  even  run  the  risk  of  offending  the 
person  concerned,  in  order  to  be  observed  walk- 
ing half  a  square  or  talking  intimately  with  some 
one  of  distinction  in  fashion  or  politics. 

When  a  man  goes  into  compan}^,  he  should 
leave  behind  him  all  professional  peculiarities  of 
mind  and  manners.  That,  indeed,  constituted 
Dr.  Johnson's  notion  of  a  gentleman;  and  as  far 
as  negatives  go,  the  notion  was  correct.  It  is  in 
bad  taste,  particularly,  to  employ  technical  or  pro- 
fessional terms  in  general  conversation.  Young 
physicians  and  lawyers  often  commit  that  error. 
T  145 


CONVERSATION. 


The  most  eminent  members  of  those  occupations 
are  the  most  free  from  it;  for  the  reason,  that  the 
most  eminent  have  the  most  sense. 

The  improvising  of  quotations,  or  at  least  au- 
thorities, is  often  practised  by  unscrupulous  peo- 
ple in  conversation.  If  a  man  produces  such  a 
sham  sentence  or  opinion  against  you  in  an  argu- 
ment, you  cannot  very  well  tell  him  that  he  lies ; 
the  best  thing,  therefore,  for  you  to  do  is  to  tell 
your  friend  that  if  he  had  read  on  a  little  farther 
ne  would  have  found  that  his  author  restricted 
the  remark  that  was  cited,  to  something  not  in- 
volved in  that  debate ;  or  to  improvise  something 
precisely  the  reverse  of  his  quotation,  and  if 
asked  for  the  exact  place  whence  the  passage  was 
taken,  to  say  that  it  was  on  the  next  page  to  his 
quotation. 

Young  men  often,  through  real  modesty,  put 
forth  their  remarks  in  the  form  of  personal  opin- 
ions ;  as,  with  the  introduction  of,  "  I  think  so- 
and-so,"  or,  "  Now,  I,  for  my  part,  have  found  it 
146 


CONVERSATION. 


Otherwise."  This  is  generally  prompted  by  hu- 
mility ;  and  yet  it  has  always  an  air  of  arrogance. 
The  persons  who  employ  such  phrases,  mean  to 
shrink  from  affirming  a  fact  into  expressing  a  no- 
tion, but  are  taken  to  be  designing  to  extend  an 
opinion  into  an  affirmance  of  a  fact. 

The  weather  is  a  topic  of  conversation  against 
which  wit  has  often  been  directed.  Yet  it  forms, 
on  many  occasions,  as  harmless  and  as  entertain- 
ing a  subject  of  remark,  as  almost  any  other  that 
is  used.  At  those  times,  and  in  the  chronicle  of 
society  they  are  not  unfrequent,  when  people  talk, 
confessedly,  only  for  talk's  sake,  a  matter  so 
completely  impersonal,  and  so  wholly  free  from 
the  possibility  of  offence,  certainly  possesses  a 
strong  recommendation.  We  have  Johnson's  own 
confession  that  his  notorious  intolerance  of  that 
topic  proceeded  chiefly  from  the  vanity  of  an  in- 
tellect that  scorned  so  barren  and  so  trite  a  sub- 
ject. In  one  of  the  latest  letters  which  he  wrote 
to  Mrs.  Thrale,  in  the  midst  of  age  and  illness, 
147 


CONVERSATION. 

he  says,  "  I  am  at  length  reduced  to  talk  about 
the  weather;  pride  must  have  its  fall."  In  his 
brighter  days  of  ever-ready  wisdom,  he  was  not 
wont  to  be  familiar  with  those  predicaments  of 
society  whose  exigencies,  alone,  constitute  the 
sufficient  apology  for  such  a  style.  Walpole  de- 
fends the  atmosphere  upon  broader  ground.  "  To 
talk  of  the  weather  is  sometimes  ridiculed,"  says 
he ;  "  but  not  wisely,  for  the  weather  is  so  im- 
portant that  our  health  and  bread  depend  upon 
it.  The  existence  of  numerous  classes  of  per- 
sons depends  on  the  weather;  and  it  is  idle  to 
deny  that  the  spirits  of  all  men  are  affected  by 
the  clouds.  The  stoutest  man  cannot  take  exer- 
cise on  a  rainy  day,  and  must  feel  ennui  because 
he  cannot  divide  his  time  as  usual." 

We  remarked  in  a  former  page,  that  a  gentle- 
man should  be  fitted  to  cope  all  sorts  and  classes 
of  men,  and  that  he  should  possess  those  accom- 
plishments which  are  required  for  dealing  with 
the  lowest  and  rudest  as  well  as  the  most  A^a^tly. 
148 


CONVERSATION. 


Swearing  is  one  of  those  ornaments  of  character, 
which  he  is  ignorant  of  the  world  who  has  never 
known,  and  of  refinement  who  has  often  prac- 
tised. On  this  principle,  Christina,  queen  of 
Sweden,  who  did  not  like  to  be  ignorant  of  any- 
thing, chose  Peter  Bourdelot,  a  physician  and  a 
man  of  wit,  at  her  court,  to  be  her  master  in 
swearing,  he  being  reckoned  the  most  expert  man 
of  his  time  in  this  sort  of  ejaculation;  and  she 
toolc  regular  lessons  and  exercises,  until  she  had 
attained  as  great  proficience  as  her  distinguished 
rival  on  the  throne  of  England.  The  Honourable 
William  Pole  Tylney  Long  Wellesley,  whose 
peculiar  notions  of  education  we  have  already 
alluded  to,  considered  swearing  as  the  best  re- 
medy against  lying,  and  ordered  his  children  to 
cultivate  it  for  that  purpose.  He  wrote  to  his 
wife  from  Paris,  respecting  one  of  his  daughters, 
"  for  correcting  the  faults  of  the  little  girl  1  would 
recommend  to  you  something  similar  to  the 
course  I  adopted  with  William,  when  I  found 
149 


CONVERSATION. 


that  he  had  a  slight  propensity  to  lying,  the  pa- 
rent of  all  evil.  You  remember,  I  allowed  him 
to  swear,  in  order  to  establish  in  his  mind  the 
distinction  between  a  vice  and  '  a  venial  fault.'  " 
He  directed  his  children  to  swear  when  they 
were  in  a  passion,  as  the  best  outlet  and  relief. 
Others,  it  would  seem,  have  been  of  a  similar 
opinion.  Boileau  one  day  met  the  servant  of  a 
friend  of  his  w^io  was  often  tormented  with  the 
gout,  and  asked  how  he  was.  The  man  replied 
that  his  master  had  had  a  severe  recurrence  of 
his  old  malady.  "  He  swears  a  good  deal  then," 
observed  Boileau,  who  knew  that  his  temper  was 
quick.  "  0  yes,  Sir,"  said  the  valet  with  great 
simplicity,  "  it  is  the  only  comfort  my  poor  mas- 
ter has  in  his  illness."  Thurlow,  it  would  ap- 
pear, improved  this  his  constitutional  vice  into 
a  similar  advantage.  He  once  had  an  attack  of 
the  gout  while  he  was  staying  at  an  inn,  in  the 
country.  A  fellow-lodger  who  occupied  an  ad- 
joining room,  subsequently  met  Thurlow's  bro« 
150 


CONVERSATION. 


ther  who  was  a  bishop,  and  told  him  that  be  was 
happy  to  find  that  the  Chancellor  had  become  a 
pious  man,  and  that  he  sought  for  comfort  in  the 
only  quarter  where  it  could  be  found.  The  pre- 
late bent  his  head  towards  the  ground,  and  said 
he  was  obliged  to  confess  that  that  part  of  his 
brother's  character  was  not  what  he  could  wish 
it  to  be.  "  Indeed,"  said  the  other,  "  I  think  you 
are  mistaken :  I  recently  lodged  in  the  same 
house  with  him  when  he  was  severely  attacked 
by  gout,  and  I  can  testify  that  he  did  nothing  but 
call  on  the  name  of  God  and  Jesus  during  the 
whole  of  his  illness."  But  whatever  may  have 
been  Thurlow's  performances  in  that  kind,  they 
never  came  up  to  those  of  his  predecessor  on  the 
woolsack,  Henley,  Lord  Northington. 

Henry  IV.  of  France,  when  he  swore,  gene- 
rally used  the  exclamation,  "  Ventre  St.  Gris  . " 
and  the  word  greatly  puzzled  his  courtiers,  who 
had  not  before  heard  of  that  saint.    The  origin 
151 


CONVERSATION. 


of  this  habit  of  the  king's  was,  that  some  of  his 
pious  guardians  during  his  youth,  fearing  that  he 
might  fall  into  the  fashion  of  those  times,  •which 
were  greatly  given  to  profane  and  blasphemous 
oaths,  permitted  the  young  prince  to  employ  the 
words  "  Ventre  St.  Gris"  in  his  moments  of  pas- 
sion, as  expressions  that  signified  nothing  at  all. 
Those  who  think,  with  Sir  Fopling,  "  that 
swearing  and  gaming  are  vices  too  genteel  for  a 
shoemaker,"  and  are  inclined  to  rescue  this  noble 
practice  from  the  profanation  of  scavengers  and 
stable-boys,  should,  however,  be  very  careful 
that  their  selection  of  oaths  is  of  a  refined  de- 
scription ;  for  there  is  a  fashion  in  this  matter  as 
in  others,  and  some  ejaculations  are  as  vulgar 
as  others  are  polite.  Byron  has  pronounced 
"  damme"  to  be  "  Platonic  blasphemy,  the  soul 
of  swearing,"  and  has  elsewhere  declared  "  G — 
d — n"  to  be  "the  nucleus  'of  England's  native 
eloquence."  Great  as  are  the  claims  of  those 
expressions,  I  do  not  know  whether  they  could 
153 


CONVERSATION. 


maintain    their    ground    against    certain    other 
phrases  more  in  vogue. 

A  gentleman  should  never  permit  any  phrase 
that  approaches  to  an  oath,  to  escape  his  lips  in 
the  presence  of  a  lady.  If  any  man  employs  a 
profane  expression  in  the  drawing-room,  his  pre- 
tensions to  good-breeding  are  gone  for  ever.  The 
same  reason  extends  to  the  society  of  men  ad- 
vanced in  life ;  and  he  would  be  singularly 
defective  in  good  taste,  who  should  swear  before 
old  persons,  however  irreligious  their  own  habits 
might  be.  The  cause  of  profanity  being  oiFen- 
sive  in  these  cases  is  that  it  denotes  an  entire 
absence  of  reverence  and  respect  from  the  spirit 
of  him  who  uses  it. 

"  A  dearth  of  words,"  says  Young, 

"  A  woman  need  not  fear. 
But  'tis  a  task,  indeed,  to  learn  to  hear: 
In  that,  the  skill  of  conversation  lies; 
That  shows  or  makes  you  both  polite  and  wise." 

Listening  is  not  only  a  point  of  good-breeding 
and  the  best  kind  of  flattery,  but  it  is  a  method 
u  153 


CONVERSATION. 


of  acquiring  information  which  no  man  of  judg- 
ment will  neglect.  "  This  is  a  common  vice  in 
conversation,"  says  Montaigne,  "  that  instead  of 
gathering  observations  from  others,  we  make  it 
our  whole  business  to  lay  ourselves  open  to  them, 
and  are  more  concerned  how  to  expose  and  set 
out  our  own  commodities,  than  how  to  increase 
our  stock  by  acquiring  new.  Silence,  therefore, 
and  modesty,  are  very  advantageous  qualities  in 
conversation."  But  if  a  person  gets  knowledge 
in  this  way  from  another,  he  should  always  give 
him  due  credit  for  it;  and  not  endeavour  to  sus- 
tain himself  in  society  upon  the  claims  that 
really  belong  to  another.  "  It  is  a  special  trick 
of  low  cunning,"  says  Walpole,  with  a  very 
natural  indignation,  "  to  squeeze  out  knowledge 
from  a  modest  man,  who  is  eminent  in  any  sci- 
ence ;  and  then  to  use  it  as  legally  acquired,  and 
pass  the  source  in  total  silence." 

That  conversation  is  the  best  which  furnishes 
the  most  entertainment  to  the  person  conferred 
154 


CONVERSATIOX. 


with,  and  calls  upon  him  for  the  least  exercise 
of  mind.  It  is  for  this  reason  that  argument  and 
difference  are  studiously  avoided  by  well-bred 
people  ;  they  tax  and  tire.  It  should  be  the  aim 
of  every  one  to  utter  his  remarks  in  such  a  form 
that  the  expression  of  assent  or  opposition  need 
not  follow  from  him  he  speaks  with.  The  inter- 
jection of  such  phrases  as,  "  You  know,"  "  You 
see,"  "  Don't  you  see  1 "  "  Do  you  understand  ]  " 
and  similar  ones  that  stimulate  the  attention,  and 
demand  an  answer,  ought  to  be  avoided.  Make 
your  observations  in  a  calm  and  sedate  way, 
which  your  companion  may  attend  to  or  not,  as 
he  pleases,  and  let  them  go  for  what  they  are 
worth. 

That  style  of  language  which  society  pro- 
nounces vulgar,  and  which  grammarians  call  im- 
pure, arises  less  from  the  use  of  new  and  unau- 
thorized words,  than  from  the  employment  of  old 
words  in  the  wrong  senses.  For  example,  the 
word  *  guess,'  when  properly  applied,  is  a  good 
155 


CONVERSATION. 


English  word  ;  it  becomes  vulgar  only  in  its 
misappropriation.  Use  it  a  hundred  times  a-day 
m  its  right  sense,  and  you  are  a  gentleman  ;  use 
It  once  improperly,  and  you  declare  yourself  a 
Yankee. 

Some  variation  has  grown  up  in  late  years  be- 
tween England  and  America  in  the  employment 
of  particular  words.  In  certain  cases,  England 
is  right ;  in  certain  others,  America  is  nearer  cor- 
rectness. For  example,  in  the  use  of  the  word 
*  clever,'  the  Americans  are  justified  by  the  collo- 
quial sense  of  the  word  for  a  long  series  of  years 
in  the  best  age  of  British  speech;  the  English 
application  of  it  to  literary  talent  is  a  modern 
cockneyism.  On  the  other  hand,  the  word  '  fine' 
as  applied  to  persons,  signifies  properly  a  kind 
of  dignified  beauty,  and  does  not  belong  to  the 
expression  of  moral  qualities.  Any  one  who  will 
look  into  the  dramatists  and  essayists  from  the 
time  of  Charles  II.  to  the  close  of  that  of  Queen 
156 


CONVERSATION. 


Anne,  will  find  that  a  "  fine  woman"  invariably 
meant  a  handsome  one. 

One  must  never  permit  the  accidental  and  con- 
ventional distinctions  of  rank,  or  even  the  more 
interior  considerations  of  refined  manners  and 
cultivated  taste,  to  control  one's  estimate  of  the 
understanding,  judgment  and  knowledge  of  per- 
sons with  whom  one  meets.  .  While  we  must 
ascend  into  the  loftiest  heights  to  look  for  ele- 
gance and  delicacy,  it  will  often  happen  that  we 
must  go  to  low  points  and  through  obscure 
passages  to  find  wisdom  and  sense.  Young  men, 
newly  introduced  to  the  regions  of  gay  society, 
so  much  overrate  the  value  of  the  forms  and 
shows  there  brought  before  their  eyes,  that  they 
are  apt  to  despise  every  man  whose  dress  and 
manner  indicate  that  his  life  is  alien  to  that 
scene ;  and  they  will  settle  the  pretensions  of  a 
great  but  uncourtly  philosopher,  with,  "  Poh  !  he 
is  a  low  fellow;  one  never  meets  him  in  good 
company."  It  is  necessary  to  purge  the  mind 
157 


CONVERSATION. 


from  such  paltry  estimates  of  human  worth,  and 
to  learn  to  respect  intellect  and  learning  under 
the  rudest  garb  and  in  the  lowest  station.  "  I 
have  been  present,"  says  Montaigne,  "  when  Ihej 
at  the  upper  end  of  the  chamber  have  been  only 
commending  the  beauty  of  the  arras,  or  the 
flavour  of  the  wine,  whilst  many  things  tha* 
have  been  very  finely  said,  have  been  lost  and 
thrown  away,  at  the  lower  end  of  the  table." 

There  are  few  points  in  which  men  are  mors 
frequently  deceived  than  in  the  estimate  which 
they  form  of  the  confidence  and  secresy  of  those 
to  whom  they  make  communications.  People 
constantly  make  statements  of  delicacy  and  im- 
portance which  they  expect  will  go  no  farther 
and  will  never  be  repeated ;  but  the  number  of 
those  who  regard  the  obligation  of  silence  even 
as  to  the  most  particular  affairs,  is  extremely 
small.  How  few  are  those  who  will  hesitate  to 
divulge  in  the  most  unrestrained  manner  what- 
ever they  know  relating  to  the  condition  of  their 
158 


CONVERSATION. 


closest  friends,  though  the  utterance  may  involve 
character  and  fortune  very  deeply  !  Lord  Boling- 
broke  used  to  say,  "  what  is  known  to  women  is 
known  to  the  world ;"  and  in  this  matter,  as  in 
many  others,  the  mass  of  men  have  all  the  weak- 
ness of  women.  Every  one  who  would  avoid 
the  serious  consequences  of  the  most  common 
treachery,  should  make  it  an  unalterable  rule  of 
conduct,  never  to  repeat  to  any  man  that  which 
he  is  not  willing  should  be  told  to  all  mankind. 
Cautiousness,  and  the  check  of  an  habitual 
self-control,  should  accompany  the  mind  of  every 
one  who  launches  out  in  animated  conversation. 
When  the  fancy  is  heated,  and  the  tongue  has 
become  restless  through  exercise,  and  there  is 
either  a  single  listener  or  a  circle,  to  reward  dis- 
play, nothing  but  resolute  self-recollection  can 
prevent  the  utterance  of  much  that  had  better 
been  left  unsaid.  A  watchful  eye  and  an  atten- 
tive ear  are  more  profitable  organs  than  a  rapid 
tongue.  When  you  enter  the  society  of  profes- 
159 


CONVERSATION. 


sional  diplomatists,  you  are  struck  by  nothing 
more  than  the  paucity  of  their  own  observations, 
and  the  constant  keen  attention  which  they  give 
to  all  that  falls  from  others.  No  man  conversed 
better  than  Canning,  and  yet  in  society  it  was  his 
constant  effort  to  set  other  people  to  talking  and 
thus  to  find  out  all  their  thoughts.  Cromwell,  in 
an  earlier  age,  and  Burr,  more  lately  in  our  own 
country,  practised  the  same  art  with  great  skill ; 
and  the  remarks  of  Talleyrand  in  mixed  society, 
at  least  when  we  have  seen  him  in  later  life, 
were  extremely  few,  and  singularly  cautious. 
We  have  no  intention  of  recommending  this  vice 
of  cautious  watchfulness ;  we  quote  the  practice 
of  these  extraordinary  men  to  show  wherein  the 
most  common  danger  of  speech  consists ;  and 
while  one  should  be  far  from  following  this  art 
to  the  injury  of  others,  all  may  prudently  guard 
against  others'  exercise  of  it  to  their  own  injury. 
That  same  reserve  will  enlarge  the  stores  of 
160 


CONVERSATION-. 


knowledge,  while  it  will  save  one  from  the  De- 
trayal  of  ignorance. 

Young  men,  fresh  from  their  books,  are  apt  to 
fancy  that  there  is  no  other  description  of  talent 
than  literary,  and  to  treat  with  contempt  those 
who  can  present  no  proof  of  understanding  save 
that  which  is  apart  from  literature.  This  is  so 
far  from  being  true,  that  unquestionably  the 
highest  order  of  intellect  is  that  which  looks  at 
things,  directly,  without  what  Young  has  termed 
"  the  spectacles  of  books  ;"  and  which  has  de- 
rived its  culture  from  action  and  not  from  solitary 
meditation.  The  man  of  fashion  will  protest 
against  that  criterion  of  sense,  as  well  as  the  man 
of  business.  "Our  peevish  poets,  demn'em," 
says  Sir  Fopling,  "  will  allow  no  man  wit  who 
does  not  play  the  fool  like  themselves,  and  show 
it."  Christopher  North  has  said  that  all  men 
are  poets  except  those  that  write  verses ;  and  if 
any  one  will  pass  from  the  society  of  authors  and 
men  of  letters,  to  the  company  of  merchants, 
V  161 


CONVERSATION. 


politicians  and  lawyers,  he  will  be  tempted  to 
conclude  that  all  men  are  wise  except  those  who 
write  books. 

A  brazen  boldness  in  appealing  to  men,  and  a 
readiness  in  managing  those  feelings  and  apply- 
ing those  principles  under  which  men  act  when 
they  act  together,  and  which  constitute  the  power 
of  cant,  are  the  surest  elements  of  success.  The 
arts  which  form  a  popular  man  may  be  summed 
up  in  a  line  of  Virgil : 

»aSre  ciere  viros,  martemque  accendere  cantu. 

Cant,  in  its  largest  and  most  philosophical  sense, 
may  be  defined,  a  prevailing  of  the  sentiment  or 
opinion  of  a  coterie,  class,  time,  or  nation,  over 
the  sincere  and  individual  conclusions  of  the  un- 
derstanding. By  far  the  larger  portion  of  man- 
kind are  controlled  in  their  opinions  and  actions 
by  these  popular  and  talk-sustained  notions ;  they 
feel  certain  of  their  conclusions  only  when  they 
can  refer  them  to  some  one  of  these  principles. 
162 


CONVERSATION. 


The  judicious  manaorement  of  these  elements  of 
influence,  and  a  skill  in  arguing  from  some  deci- 
sion of  cant,  to  the  point  which  it  is  wished  to 
prove,  constitute  the  chief  power  of  the  dema- 
gogue; and  are  the  arts  of  those  writers  who 
become  the  idols  of  their  own  age,  and  whose 
fallacies  the  next  century  is  engaged  in  un- 
ravelling. 

The  world  is  at  present,  to  use  Falstaff's 
phrase,  so  "  given  to  lying,"  that  a  man  of  sin- 
cerity and  truth,  will  deceive  and  surprise  the 
men  he  deals  with,  as  much  as  the  man  of  false- 
hood and  trick.  There  is  therefore  little  gained 
by  a  departure  from  frankness  and  veracity.  An 
instance  of  this  is  the  story  of  Cesar  and  the 
pirates.  A  still  more  striking  case  occurred  in 
the  life  of  the  great  Spanish  captain,  Spinola, 
one  of  the  three  persons  whom  De  Retz  said 
w^cre  born  generals.  When  he  passed  through 
Paris,  in  1604,  he  was  invited  to  sup  with  Henry 
the  Fourth.  Towards  the  end  of  the  entertain- 
163 


CONVERSATION. 


ment,  the  king  asked  him  what  particular  opera- 
tions he  meant  to  pursue  in  the  next  campaign, 
and  Spinola  gave  him  a  faithful  relation  of  his 
intentions ;  telling  him  how  and  when  he  would 
begin,  where  he  would  construct  a  bridge  on  the 
Scheldt  to  lead  over  his  army;  and  where  he 
proposed  to  erect  a  small  fort.  In  a  word,  he  did 
not  omit  the  minutest  particular.  Henry,  who 
was  interested  for  the  Dutch,  immediately  wrote 
to  the  prince  of  Orange,  an  account  of  what  he 
had  heard,  telling  him  that  he  must  take  every- 
thing in  a  quite  contrary  sense,  as  it  was  not  pro- 
bable that  Spinola,  who  had  no  confidence  in  him, 
would  disclose  his  real  designs.  That  able  gene- 
ral, however,  did  precisely  everything  he  had 
said.  He  had  been  free  with  Henry,  because  he 
knew  the  monarch  would  not  believe  him.  The 
King  afterwards  used  to  say,  "  others  deceive  me 
by  speaking  falsehood,  but  Spinola  deceived  me 
by  speaking  the  truth." 

It  is  not  by  long  and  copious  harangues,  or  the 
164 


CONVERSATION. 


display  of  profound  theories  of  refinement,  or  by- 
eloquent  and  sonorous  sentences,  that  accomplish- 
ment of  mind  is  to  be  shown  in  society.  It  is 
by  a  careful  choice  of  words,  and  a  frame  of 
«?peech  denoting  high  polish  of  taste  and  great 
maturity  in  use  of  language,  that  culture  should 
be  exhibited.  Refinement  of  education  is  seen 
as  much  in  what  one  does  not  say  or  do,  as  in 
what  one  does  utter  or  perform.  "  That  slight 
delicacy,  which  finishes  while  it  seems  but  to 
sketch,"  *  is  the  result  at  which  every  gentleman 
should  aim  in  speech.  Every  one  should  avoid 
displaying  his  mind  and  principles  and  character 
entirely,  but  should  let  his  remarks  only  open 
glimpses  to  his  understanding.  For  women  this 
precept  is  still  more  important.  They  are  like 
moss-roses^  and  are  most  beautiful  in  spirit  and 
in  intellect,  when  they  are  but  half-unfolded. 

Naked  in  nothing  should  a  woman  be ; 

But  veil  her  very  wit  with  modesty; 

Let  man  discover,  let  not  her  display,  * 

But  yield  her  charms  of  mind  with  sweet  delay. 

•  Walpole. —  "  Royal  and  Noble  Authors." 
165 


TITLE    VI. 
WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE 


Our  humbler  province  is  to  tend  tlie  fair. 
Not  a  less  pleasing,  thougli  less  glorious  care. 

Port. 


In  point  of  fact,  women  certainly  constitute 
the  most  general  consideration  in  life ;  in  point 
of  necessity,  perhaps  the  most  important  one. 
In  every  age  and  countr)%  they  occupy  vastly 
the  larger  portion  of  men's  llioughts.  The  class 
of  common  men  dedicate  to  them  their  lives; 
and  to  ambition,  business  or  amusement,  they 
are  but  the  truants  of  an  hour.  The  boy  dreams 
of  them  as  the  ministers  of  a  delight,  dim  but 
delicious, 'inexplicable  but  immense;  the  man 
thinks  of  them  as  the  authors  of  a  pleasure, 
placid  yet  poignant;  the  old  turn  towards  them 
167 


WOMEN    -  COfRTSHIP  AXD  MARRIAGE. 


as  the  sources  of  that  comfort  which  is  the  only 
paradise  of  age.  To  gain  the  favour  of  a  race, 
whose  attractions  are  so  universal  and  so  various, 
must  be  admitted  to  be  an  art  that  is  worth  somt 
ttention. 
Anciently,  talismans  and  charms  were  relied 
on  for  procuring  love;  "but  it  is  now  many 
years,"  says  Count  Hamilton,  "  since  the  only 
talismans  for  creating  love  are  the  charms  of  the 
person  beloved."  By  gracefully  displaying  those 
advantages  which  nature  has  given,  and  by  dili- 
gently cultivating  the  graces  which  art  can  be- 
stow, every  man  may  reasonably  hope  to  succeed 
in  whatever  aspirations  he  may  form  in  this 
direction.  In  this  field,  moral  qualities  prevail 
far  more  than  physical ;  and  while  few  men  are 
possessed  of  those  attractions  of  form  and  face 
which  sometimes  are  successful,  all  may  hope  to 
acquire  those  qualifications  of  character,  under- 
163 


s 
WOMEN  :- COURTSHIP  A.\D  MARRIAGE. 


Standing  and  manners,  which  more  often  win  the 
esteem  of  women. 

A  woman's  common  jndg-ment  upon  this  mat- 
ter has  been  accurately  expressed  by  Gibber 
when  he  places  in  a  woman's  mouth,  the  remark, 
that  "  the  only  merit  of  a  man  is  his  sense, 
while  doubtless  the  greatest  value  of  a  woman 
is  her  beauty."  Beauty,  unquestionably,  is  the 
master-charm  of  that  sex,  and  it  is  felt  to  be  so 
by  themselves.  But  while  we  observe  its  value, 
we  cannot  but  ponder  on  its  dangers.  Their 
glory  is  so  often  their  ruin,  that  what  they  make 
their  boast  were  better  called  their  curse.  There 
is  a  fatal  truth  in  the  remark  of  Mirabeau, — "  les 
avantages  naturels,  saos  doute,  et  quoiqu'en  dise 
vulgairement,  sont  beaucoup  plus  precieux  pour 
un  homrae  que  pour  une  femme,  qu'ils  vouent 
presque  toujours  au  malheur." 

Most  hard!  in  pleasing,  their  chief  slory  lies; 
And  yel  from  pleasing,  their  chief  dangers  rise. 

A  woman  always   values  the  reputation   of 
w  169 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


beauty  more  than  any  other  thing.  On  that  side 
she  is  susceptible  to  the  most  conciliation  and  to 
the  greatest  anger.  A  compliment,  on  that  point, 
is  never  forgotten ;  an  offence  in  that  quarter  is 
never  forgiven.  There  was  an  accurate  notion 
of  the  female  character  and  mind  possessed  by 
that  man  spoken  of  by  Walpole,  who  being 
called  on  to  reconcile  two  of  his  female  relations 
who  had  quarrelled,  enquired,  "  Have  they  called 
one  another  uglyV  "No."  "Then  I  shall 
soon  make  them  friends  again." 

Beauty  is  the  prescriptive  attribute  of  that 
sex,  as  fragrance  is  the  glory  of  a  flower.  In 
conversation  with  them,  their  inalienable  title  to 
it  must  never  be  forgotten ;  if  they  have  it  not  in 
reality,  they  must  possess  it  by  intendment  of 
courtesy.  As  "  Serenity"  is  the  only  recognized 
condition  of  those  princes  who  in  matter  of  fact 
are  probably  the  most  passionate  and  stormy  of 
the  hum.an  kind,  so  fairness  is  the  appellation 
of  every  woman.  No  other  ascription  of  virtues 
170 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


can  make  up  for  its  denial.  There  is  no  woman 
who  is  not  offended  by  a  compliment  paid  to  her 
talent  at  the  expense  of  her  beauty;  and  none 
who  is  pleased  by  one  paid  to  the  neglect  of  her 
beauty.  The  highest  favour  you  can  do  any 
woman  living,  is  to  extol  her  appearance.  Doubt- 
less, if  the  greatest  female  genius  were  to  choose 
from  among  the  Muses  which  she  would  be,  she 
would  prefer  Erato,  whose  name  was  derived 
from  her  beauty.  / 

By  showing  a  woman  that  you  feel  the  influ- 
ence of  her  beauty,  j'^ou  gain  an  influence  over 
her  vvhich  nothing  else  can  possibly  give  you. 
She  may  be  insensible  to  admiration  which  has 
any  other  direction ;  but  she  cannot  choose  but 
feel  an  appeal  to  that  point.  Tell  a  woman  that 
she  is  lovely,  fascinating,  graceful,  enchanting, 
and  she  listens  to  you  with  coldness ;  but  tell 
her  that  she  is  beautiful,  and  you  have  reached 
her  heart.  Through  that  avenue,  your  presence 
enters  to  her  inmost  spirit,  and  prevails.  For 
171 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


beauty  is  essentially  spiritual,  and  it  is  the  name 
of  all  that  is  spiritual,  and  spirit  is  but  substan- 
tiated beauty;  and  there  is  a  sympathy  and  a 
connexion  between  spirit  and  beauty ;  for  they 
are  one. 

One  meets  occasionally  with  women  so  ad- 
mirable for  lofty  virtues,  or  respectable  for  sound 
discretion,  that  one  feels  in  one's  own  mind,  that 
the  appreciation  of  such  qualities  is  more  truly 
valuable  than  the  applause  of  softer  merits  ;  but 
few  women  will  think  the  same.  The  strongest 
and  most  majestic  character  among  them  would 
rather  be  loved  than  venerated.  It  has  justly 
been  observed  that  most  women  will  forgive  a 
liberty  sooner  than  a  slight.  They  will  always 
pardon  and  generally  cherish  the  admiration 
which  is  more  warm  than  delicate.  They  are 
more  pleased  with  sincerity  than  offended  at 
ardour.  A  striking  proof  of  this  was  furnished 
in  the  case  of  Elizabeth  of  England,  a  person 
to  have  given  it  confutation,  if  any  could  confute 
172 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


it.  When  she  once  gave  audience  to  some  depu- 
ties from  the  States  General  of  Holland,  a  y^oung 
man,  belonging  to  the  suite,  on  seeing  the  queen, 
expressed,  in  very  licentious  terms,  his  admira- 
tion of  her  personal  charms.  The  ladies-in- 
waiting,  exhibiting  great  offence  at  the  indeli- 
cacy, the  queen  insisted  on  knowing  what  had 
been  said  ;  and  so  far  from  being  offended  at  the 
indecorum  of  his  language,  she  was  pleased 
with  its  animation.  When  the  ambassadors  were 
dismissed,  each  was  presented  with  a  chain  of 
gold  worth  eight  hundred  crowns ;  but  the  gal- 
lant who  had  found  the  queen  so  handsome, 
received  a  chain  worth  sixteen  hundred  crowns, 
which  he  ever  afterwards  wore  around  his  neck. 
The  woman  had  overcome  the  queen. 

Every  one  in  his  intercourse  with  women 
should  establish  in  his  feelings  and  manner,  a 
clear  distinction  between  courtesy  and  courtship. 
From  the  want  of  a  clear  dividing  line,  men 
often  pass  from  one  to  the  other  before  they  are 
173 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


aware  of  it,  and  quite  against  their  intentions. 
»'  We  often  proceed  farther  than  we  at  first  de- 
signed," says  Count  Anthony  Hamilton,  "when 
we  indulge  ourselves  in  trifling  liberties,  which 
we  think  of  no  consequence ;  for  though  the 
heart  perhaps  takes  no  part  at  the  beginning,  it 
seldom  fails  to  be  engaged  in  the  end."  A  man 
owes  both  to  himself  and  the  lady  he  deals  with, 
to  be  strictly  on  guard  in  conversation  and  man- 
ner, where  his  intentions  are  not  serious,  never 
to  go  beyond  the  boundary  which  separates  the 
polite  from  the  particular,  the  gallant  from  the 
lover.  Women  take  advantage  of  every  oppor- 
tunity they  can  get  to  convert  an  acquaintance 
into  an  '  admirer,'  and  they  so  often  go  beyond 
what  is  fair  and  true  that  it  is  necessary  for  a 
man  who  is  not  anxious  to  bear  that  title,  some- 
times to  exercise  a  good  deal  of  care.  "  All  the 
sex  feel  an  unspeakable  satisfaction,"  said  a 
courtier  of  the  last  century,  "  at  having  men  in 
their  train,  whom  they  care  not  for,  and  to  use 
174 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


them  as  their  slaves  of  state,  merely  to  swell 
their  equipage."  *  And  when  the  season  is  over, 
and  it  is  time  to  be  established,  they  expect  to 
select  from  the  throng,  whomsoever  they  think 
most  eligible.  We  should  distinguish  between 
a  position  that  is  chosen  by  ourselves,  and  one 
that  is  forced  upon  us ;  and  we  should  resist  the 
latter.  There  are  few  connexions,  I  believe, 
which  either  in  their  inception  or  their  consum- 
mation, are  wholly  voluntary  upon  both  sides; 
and  that  is  one  reason  that  so  few  of  them  are 
happy.  It  seems  particularly  necessary  to  regu- 
late the  attention  and  devotion  that  are  paid  to 
ladies,  in  this  country ;  for,  unlike  the  state  of 


*  It  is  persons  of  grave  character  and  understanding,  who 
are  most  often  the  subjects  of  this  kind  of  slavery.  They 
have  too  much  re!=pecl  for  the  sex  to  see  their  actual  princi- 
ples or  to  deal  with  tliem  in  the  proper  way.  "  Men  of  sense, 
my  dear,"  says  Lady  Betty  Modish,  "  make  the  best  fools  in 
the  world  ;  their  sincerity  and  good-breeding  throw  them  so 
entirely  into  one's  power,  and  give  one  so  agreeable  a  thirst 
of  using  them  ill,— 'tis  impossible  not  to  quench  it." 

175 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


things  in  Europe,  the  subjects  of  flirtation  here 
are  unmarried  women. 

A  man  may  safely  lay  down  to  himself  the 
rule  that  it  is  not  prudent  to  push  forward,  or 
suffer  to  be  drawn  forward,  to  an  actual  engage- 
ment, an  intimacy  with  any  woman  who  has  not 
appeared,  in  the  cool  and  dispassionate  moments 
of  previous  reflection,  to  be  a  proper  and  de- 
sirable connexion.  Marriage,  it  should  be  remem- 
bered, is  a  relation  that  is  to  last  for  life;  and 
that  hallucination  of  the  fancy,  which  is  called 
*  Love,'  is  not  very  likely  to  last  quite  so  long. 
"Love  gilds  us  over,"  says  Etherege,  "and 
makes  us  show  fine  things  to  one  another  for  a 
time;  but  soon  the  gold  wears  off,  and  then  the 
native  brass  appears."  We  should  take  care, 
therefore,  that  the  substantial  metal  which  will 
be  found  beneath  the  glitter,  shall  prove  some- 
thing better  than  brass.  To  form  a  matrimonial 
arrangement  merely  on  the  footing  of  conve- 
nience, and  to  trust  that  familiarity  and  fre- 
176 


WOxMExV :  -  COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


quency  will  develope  an  affection  that  will  make 
it  tolerable,  is  certainly  anything  but  wise.  A 
connexion  that  is  not  delightful  at  first,  will  soon 
be  disgusting.  "Marrying  to  increase  love," 
says  Wycherley,  "  is  like  gaming  to  become 
rich  :  Alas  !  you  only  lose  what  little  stock  you 
had  before." 

Some  men  consult  their  ears  on  the  subject  of 
marriage,  and  take  a  wife  by  hearsay.  Others 
consult  their  eyes,  and  marry  beauty ;  believing, 
with  Lord  Foppington,  "that  a  fine  woman's  an 
excuse  for  anything."  A  third  class  consult  their 
fingers,  and  find  the  attraction  of  their  mistress 
in  proportion  to  her  thousands.  While  there  is 
another  sect  who  think  with  Miss  Hobart,  that 
"  the  pleasures  of  matrimony  are  so  trifling,  in 
comparison  with  its  inconveniences,  that  it  is 
impossible  to  imagine  how  any  reasonable  crea- 
ture can  resolve  upon  it  at  all."  It  is  difficult  to 
tell  which  of  these  various  parties  is  the  farthest 
from  reason.  To  abstain  wholly  from  marriage, 
X  177 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


and  live  in  solitude  of  heart,  is  to  contradict  the 
plainest  and  most  compulsory  instincts  of  na- 
ture. The  "  strong-  necessity  of  loving"  will 
compel  men  to  find  some  object  for  their  passion  ; 
and  if  it  flow  not  through  this  channel,  it  will 
lead  to  guilt,  and  guilt  will  lead  to  wretched- 
ness. To  marry  merely  for  fortune,  is  to  take 
an  estate  so  heavily  encumbered  as  to  have  its 
clear  value  reduced  almost  to  zero.  On  the  other 
hand,  w^holly  to  neglect  that  consideration,  is  as 
little  consistent  with  right  reason  :  "  Love  makes 
but  a  slovenly  figure  in  the  house,  when  poverty 
keeps  the  door."  The  only  excuse  that  can  be 
given  by  him  that  weds  for  beauty,  will  be  found 
in  the  hope  that  the  passion  which  comeliness 
has  excited  may  attach  so  permanently  to  the 
object  it  belongs  to,  that  the  decline  of  the  cause 
may  not  sweep  off  the  effect.  But  there  is  more 
danger  that  when  "  the  hey-day  in  the  blood  is 
tame,"  the  lover  will  become  indignant  at  the 
quackery  by  which  he  has  been  imposed  upon. 
178 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


Intellect  in  a  wife  is  a  consideration  which  can- 
not be  wholly  overlooked ;  if  she  has  it,  the 
husband  may  be  compelled  to  respect  her  too 
much ;  if  she  has  it  not,  to  respect  himself  too 
little.  One  of  Wycherley's  characters  remarks, 
*''Tis  my  maxim  —  He's  a  fool  that  m.arries; 
but  he's  a  greater  that  does  not  marry  a  fool." 

If  a  man  shall  have  settled  all  these  difficulties 
in  his  own  mind,  and  have  determined  upon  the 
propriety  of  wooing-  in  some  particular  direction, 
let  him  be  persuaded  that  boldness  and  con- 
fidence are  the  only  requisites  for  success.  Let 
him  assure  himself  that  "  Courage  is  the  whole 
mystery  of  making  love,  and  of  more  use  than 
conduct  is  in  war,"  and  believe  with  Sir  Harry 
Wildair,  that  "  women  are  only  cold  as  some 
men  are  brave,  from  the  modesty  or  fear  of  those 
that  attack  them."  And  this  remark  applies  to 
every  class  of  women,  to  the  gentle  and  the 
delicate  as  truly  as  to  the  passionate  and  strong. 
179 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


All  of  them,  instinctively  admire  bravery  before 
every  other  quality  in  a  man,  and  involuntarily 
yield  to  it. 

Not  much  he  kens,  I  ween,  of  woman's  breast, 
Who  thinks  that  wanton  thing  is  won  by  sighs; 
What  careth  she  for  hearts  when  once  possessed? 
Do  proper  homage  to  thine  idol's  eyes; 
But  not  too  humbly,  or  she  will  despise 
Thee  and  thy  suit,  though  told  in  moving  tropes; 
Disguise  e'en  tenderness  if  thou  art  wise ; 
Brisk  confidence  still  best  with  woman  copes. 
Pique  her  and  soothe  in   turn,  soon  passion  crowns  thy 
hopes. 

He  who  shows  himself  certain  of  victory,  and 
indifferent  to  the  chances  of  defeat,  rouses  in 
the  breast  of  woman,  with  whom  vanity  is  still 
the  imperial  passion,  a  determination  to  make 
him  feel  the  influence  of  her  charms ;  and  en- 
gaged in  that  design,  her  own  freedom  is  soon 
lost.  Women  may  admire  and  praise  a  sober 
man  of  sense,  a  refined  man  of  modesty,  or  a 
grave  man  of  dignity ;  but  it  is  to  the  forward, 
the  foppish,  the  self-assuming  and  the  conceited, 
that  they  yield  their  hearts  and  hands.  When 
180 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


Matta,  the  companion  of  the  Chevalier  de  Gram- 
nriont,  courted  the  Marchioness  de  Senantes,  at 
Turin,  she  gave  him  some  advice  for  prevailing 
in  that  art,  of  which  this  is  a  portion  : 

Fopperv,  grinning,  and  grimace, 
And  fertile  store  of  common-place  ; 
And  oaths  as  false  as  dicers  swear, 
And  ivory  teetlr,  and  scented  hair; 
And  trinkets,  and  the  pride  of  dress 
Can  only  give  your  scheme  success. 

That  passion  which  none  but  St.  Paul  has  ever 
named, — 'the  lust  of  the  eye,' — is  particularly 
strong  in  women,  and  through  that  they  are  often 
captivated.  A  brilliant  exterior  and  a  dazzling 
manner  have  an  influence  over  them  which  men 
can  scarcely  realize.  Handsome  presents  are  the 
necessary  price  of  the  favour  of  many  of  them ; 
as  we  must  lose  a  gilded  fly  to  gain  a  trout. 
Many  more  are  certain  to  yield  to  the  attentions 
of  any  one  who  is  greatly  talked  of  by  others 
and  is  often  the  subject  of  admiration  in  society : 
like  pigs — if  so  uncourtly  an  allusion  may  for  an 
181 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


instant  be  hazarded, — they  are  most  safely  caught 
by  the  ears.  In  an  ancient  collection  of  proverbs, 
attributed  to  Odin  himself,  a  translation  of  which 
is  given  in  Mr.  Taylor's  Historic  Survey,  we 
meet  with  this  piece  of  counsel : 

Let  him  who  woos  be  full  of  chat, 
And  full  of  flattery,  and  all  that,* 
And  carry  presents  in  his  hat  : 
Skill  may  supplant  the  worthier  man. 

There  is  one  capital  error  into  which  persons 
inexperienced  in  life  are  apt  to  fall,  and  which, 
in  many  instances  that  I  have  witnessed,  is  pro- 
ductive of  painful  and  bitter  disappointment. 
Many  who  dread  the  tyranny  of.  a  woman  whose 
rank  has  accustomed  her  to  authority,  and  who 

*  The  divine  author  leaves  us  in  a  delightful  state  of  igno- 
ranee  as  to  the  significance  of  this  phrase,  which  I  suppose 
is  intended  to  have  all  the  comprehensiveness  of  a  legal 
*&c.'  Pope's  employment  of  the  same  words  in  the  Rape 
of  the  Lock  would  indicate  something  very  mysterious. 

•  Snuff,  or  the  fan,  supply  each  pause  of  chat, 
With  singing,  laughing,  ogling,  and  all  thaV 

182 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 

dislike  in  a  wife  that  independence  which  the 
possession  of  wealth  generally  produces,  think 
that  by  wedding  a  person  who  is  poor,  and  be- 
neath them  in  standing,  they  will  secure  quiet  to 
their  lives,  and  that  pleasing  gratitude  which  the 
elevation  is  calculated  to  produce.  No  expecta- 
tion proves  more  generally  fallacious.  A  woman, 
when  she  is  married,  deems  herself  at  once  on 
a  level  with  her  husband,  and  forgets  that  she 
ever  knew  another  sphere.  If  she  has  been  poor, 
she  will  be  afraid  that  modesty  and  thrift  will 
betray  her  native  meanness  of  spirit,  and  she 
will  drive  into  an  excess  of  extravagance  and 
luxury  to  vindicate  her  fitness  for  the  station  she 
illustrates.  If  humble  in  origin,  and  unfamiliar 
through  her  youth  with  the  scenes  of  fashion 
and  gaiety  into  which  she  is  introduced,  she  will 
quickly  learn  "to  bear  her  part  in  all  the  follies 
of  the  town  with  as  good  a  grace  as  if  she  had 
never  been  out  of  sight  of  Grosvenor  Square." 
Against  expectations  which  are  thus  doomed  lo 
183 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 

certain  failure  there  is  an  admirable  caution  in 
the  autobiography  of  Sir  Henry  Fynes,  son  of  the 
Earl  of  Lincoln,  in  1600;  a  passage  so  charged 
with  accurate  sense  and  so  whimsical  in  the 
earnestness  of  its  expression,  that  I  cannot  for- 
bear transcribing  it : 

"It  pleased  God,"  says  he,  "  for  my  sins  and 
offences,  to  put  thoughts  into  my  head  of  mar- 
riage, which  turned  out  my  utter  ruin  and  confu- 
sion; for  I  fell  into  an  opinion  not  to  marry  any 
rich  woman,  nor  any  great  woman,  nor  any 
widow ;  and  flattered  myself  with  such  worldly 
reasons  as  I  thought  were  wisdom  for  choice  of 
a  wife;  which  were  these,  namely,  I  imagined 
that  great  women  or  rich  women  would  look  for 
great  jointures  out  of  my  estate,  and  so  hurt  my 
children,  and  would  a^k  great  charge  to  be  main- 
tained, and  their  great  friends  would  cur  me  and 
oversway  me,  and  that  they  would  brag  of  ther.'i 
and  their  estates,  and  the  value  of  their  friends, 
and  so  contemn  me  and  not  respect  me.  And  A 
184 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


thought  a  meaner  woman  would  be  the  contrary, 
and  be  beholden  to  me  for  raising  her,  and  so  1 
would  live  more  contentedly  in  my  cottarage. 
But  I  find  the  wisdom  of  man  is  folly  with  God. 
Therefore,  I  do  advise  my  son  to  be  wise  in  his 
marriage,  as  concerning  worldly  matters  and  his 
liking,  &c.  but  for  contentment  and  the  disposi- 
tion of  humours,  leave  those  and  all  things  else 
that  may  happen,  to  God  who  knows  and  guides 
all ;  only  pray  for  those  happinesses,  and  avoid 
sins ;  and  pray  also  that  God  may  hear  and  give 
the  blessing,  and  marry  as  richly  as  he  can.  For 
a  rich  woman  and  .a  great  woman,  I  find  by  sure 
experience,  will  ask  as  little  to  be  maintained 
and  give  as  much  contentment,  if  she  be  reli- 
gious and  good,  as  the  poorest  and  meanest;  for 
the  old  proverb  is  true,  '  Set  a  beggar  on  horse- 
back, and  he  will  ride.'  " 

Sir  Henry  seems  to  have  held  the  theory  that 
those   pleasures   which   arose   from   feeling   de- 
pended so  much  on  humour  for  their  appreciation, 
y  185 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 

that  he  who  possessed  them  might  often  be  in 
such  a  mood  that  he  could  say  "  I  would  have 
been  as  happy  without  them :"  but  that  the  com- 
forts of  wealth  were  so  numberable  and  men- 
surable that  every  one  could  at  all  times  feel  the 
precise  value  of  what  he  gained.  In  support  of 
that  view,  it  is  to  be  considered  that  the  delights 
which  spring  from  sentiment  dull  and  diminish 
in  proportion  to  their  use,  but  that  those  which 
are  oifered  by  wealth  increase  in  their  attraction 
and  necessity,  as  they  are  more  often  tasted. 
Against  this  decline  of  interest  in  all  matters  of 
the  heart,  civilized  life  has  provided  no  remedy  ; 
but  a  remote  and  very  peculiar  people  in  the  East 
have  contrived  a  method  of  escaping  the  evil. 
In  Circassia,  the  next  morning  after  a  marriage, 
the  husband  leaves  his  wife  at  the  break  of  day, 
and  she  goes  into  a  new  house  which  he  has 
Duilt  for  her,  where  he  only  sees  her  again  at 
night,  or  with  the  greatest  mystery, — it  being 
considered  a  species  of  dishonour  to  appear  in 
i86 


WOMEN: -COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


public  with  one's  wife.  "This  custom  of  not 
seeing  their  wives,"  says  the  intelligent  and 
well-informed  Chevalier  Taitbout  de  Marigny, 
"  does  not  arise  from  any  contempt  of  t^e  Cir- 
cassians for  the  fair  sex.  I  think,  on  the  con- 
trary, that  it  was  originally  established  with  the 
view  of  prolonging  the  empire  of  love  between 
the  husband  and  wife,  by  the  same  difficulties 
that  are  experienced  by  lovers  in  obtaining  pos- 
session of  each  other,  and  to  which  the  duration 
of  its  illusion  may  frequently  be  ascribed.  A 
similar  law  was  given  by  Lycurgus,  to  the  La- 
cedemonians, a  fact  which  might  serve  to  prove 
the  origin  of  the  Abases,  or  rather  the  establish- 
ment of  some  colonies  of  the  Peloponnesus  upon 
their  shores,  were  it  not  certain  that  many  na- 
tions seem  to  have  had  similar  customs  from 
their  infancy.  And  the  Spartans  themselves  only 
differed  from  other  Greeks  in  so  far  as  they  main- 
tained themselves  by  means  of  institutions  from 
which  others  have  departed  in  proportion  as  they 
187 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


have  become  more  civilized."  Strange !  that  a 
national  usage  among  these  remote  savages 
should  so  long  have  anticipated  a  course  which 
Mr.  Bulwer  recently  hinted  at  as  the  last  sug- 
gestion of  the  most  fastidious  refinement. 

Confidence  and  determination,  as  we  have 
already  remarked,  are  the  most  essential  qualities 
for  the  success  of  a  lover.  By  that  charm,  the 
most  variant  caprice  is  fixed,  and  the  most 
haughty  coldness  is  subdued.  He  who  can  com- 
mand that  display  in  manner,  may  smile  at  the 
disdain  behind  which  the  most 'frigid  beauty  may 
entrench  herself.  "  A  woman's  pride,"  says 
Lady  Easy,  —  and  perhaps  the  observation  is 
applicable  to  all  pride,  —  "a  woman's  pride  at 
best  may  be  suspected  to  be  more  a  distrust  than 
a  real  contempt  of  mankind."  By  throwing  an 
air  of  deep  sincerity  into  the  earnestness  of  your 
address  to  such  a  person,  the  reserve  which  has 
thus  been  assumed  will  soon  be  melted  down. 
It  is  necessary  to  study  the  peculiarities  of  dis- 
188 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


position  by  which  each  woman's  natural  temper 
has  been  modified,  in  the  course  of  past  expe- 
riences, and  to  accommodate  your  style  to  suit 
that  condition.  I  imagine  the  strictest  moralist 
.would  not  object  to  that  ethical  conclusion  of 
which  the'  Chevalier  de  Grammont  was  so  well 
convinced,  "  that,  in  love,  whatever  is  gained  by 
address  is  fairly  gained." 

When  you  find  that  one  of  your  friends  ap- 
pears to  be  attracted  by  a  young  lady,  and  to  be 
attentive  to  her,  you  should  be  extremely  careful 
how  you  express  to  him  any  unfavourable  opinion 
about  her,  or  indulge  in  any  derogatory  remarks. 
If  he  should  make  her  his  wife,  the  remembrance 
of  your  observations  will  make  a  constant  awk- 
wardness between  you.  It  is  still  a  more  deli- 
cate case  when  a  man  comes  to  ask  your  advice 
about  marrying  a  woman.  "  Men  are  seldom  in 
the  right  when  they  guess  at  a  woman's  mind," 
says  Etherege;  and  a  man's  mind  about  a  wo- 
man it  is  often  equally  difficult  to  discover.  But 
189 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


when  advice  of  that  kind  is  asked,  you  may  be 
perfectly  certain  that  the  enquirer  has  determined 
to  marry,  even  if  the  matter  has  not  gone  still 
farther. 

An  anecdote  in  the  life  of  the  third  Earl  of. 
Shaftesbury,  illustrates  this  truth,  and  proves  the 
quick  sagacity  of  that  accomplished  nobleman. 
Sir  Richard  Onslow,  and  the  Earl,  then  Sir  An- 
thony Ashley  Cooper,  were  one  day  invited  by 
Sir  John  Danvers  to  dine  with  him  at  Chelsea, 
and  desired  to  come  early,  as  he  had  an  affair  of 
moment  to  communicate  to  them.  They  went 
accordingly;  and  being  seated.  Sir  John  told 
them,  that  he  had  made  choice  of  them  both,  for 
their  known  abilities  and  their  particular  friend- 
ship to  him,  in  order  to  advise  with  them  in  a 
matter  of  great  consequence.  He  had,  he  said, 
been  a  widower  many  years,  and  began  to  want 
somebody  that  might  ease  him  of  the  trouble  of 
housekeeping,  and  take  some  care  of  him  in  his 
old  age,  and  for  that  purpose  had  thought  of  a 
190 


WOMEN:  — COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 


woman  whom  he  had  known  some  years.  "  In 
short,"  said  he,  "  it  is  my  housekeeper."  Sir 
Richard  Onslow,  who  was  well  acquainted  with 
the  family,  and  had  a  great  regard  for  Sir  John's 
children,  was  extremely  mortified  at  this  declara- 
tion, and  began  to  speak,  of  the  impropriety  of 
marrying  at  his  years,  particularly  such  a  woman. 
He  was  proceeding  to  give  a  description  of  her, 
when  Sir  Anthony  interrupting  him,  turned  to- 
wards the  knight,  "  Before  we  go  farther.  Sir 
John,"  said  he,  "  open  the  door,  and  let  in  my 
lady!"...  After  a  pause,  Sir  John  answered, 
that  it  was  true,  he  had  been  married  the  day 
before. 

When  Onslow  afterwards  asked  Sir  Anthony, 
what  had  given  him  that  suggestion,  "  Why," 
said  he,  "  the  man  and  the  manner  gave  me  a 
suspicion  that,  having  done  a  foolish  thing,  he 
wanted  to  cover  himself  with  the  authority  of 
our  advice." 

191 


TITLE    VII. 
OF  MORNING  CALLS. 


'Tis  the  best  pait  of  dialogue 
To  humour  always  what  the  rest  assert 
And  listen  to  the  topics  most  in  vogue; 
Now  grave,  now  gay,  but  never  dull  or  pert. 

Byron. 


A  GENTLEMAN  must  pay  his  visits  regularly, 
even  if  he  does  not  pay  his  debts. 

In  the  beginning  of  the  season,  after  persons 
have  returned  from  the  country,  and  at  the  close 
of  it  when  you  are  about  to  leave  town,  you 
should  call  upon  all  your  acquaintance.  It  is 
polite  and  pleasant  to  do  the  same  thing  on  New 
Year's  day,  to  wish  your  friends  the  compliments 
of  that  season. 

It  is  becoming  more  usual  for  visits  of  cere« 
z  193 


MORNING  CALLS. 


mony  to  be  performed  by  cards ;  it  will  be  a 
happy  day  when  that  is  universal. 

The  habit  of  calling  upon  a  number  of  per- 
sons, and  addressing  a  variety  of  characters  rea- 
dily and  briefly,  gives  great  ease  and  accomplish- 
ment to  manner.  We  may  converse  intimately 
with  one  or  two  persons  of  distinguished  breed- 
ing, and  reap  less  profit  than  from  exchanging  a 
bow  and  three  words  with  a  dozen  strangers  in 
a  morning.  This  intermixture  with  the  general 
world,  and  this  rapid  observation  of  the  de- 
meanour and  style  of  a  variety  of  people,  is  a 
necessary  exercise  to  one  who  would  become 
"  an  absolute  gentleman,  full  of  most  excellent 
differences,  of  very  soft  society  and  great  show- 
ing."* 

If  a  stranger  belonging  to  your  own  class  of 
society  comes  to  town,  you  should  call  upon  him. 
That  civility  should  be  paid  even  if  there  be  no 

*  Shakspeare. 
194 


MORNING  CALLS. 


previous  acquaintance;  and  it  does  not  require 
the  ceremony  of  an  introduction.  In  going  to 
another  city,  you  should  in  general  wait  to  be 
visited ;  but  the  etiquelte  is  different  in  many 
European  cities,  and  in  some  of  those  m  our 
country. 

When  you  call  to  see  a  person,  and  are  in- 
formed at  the  door,  that  the  party  whom  you  ask 
for,  is  engaged,  you  should  never  persist  in  your 
attempt  to  be  admitted,  but  should  acquiesce  at 
once  in  that  arrangement  which  the  other  has 
made  for  his  convenience,  to  protect  himself 
from  interruption.  However  intimate  you  may 
be  in  any  house,  you  have  no  right  nor  reason, 
when  an  order  has  been  given  to  exclude  general 
visiters,  and  no  exception  has  been  made  of  you, 
to  violate  that  exclusion  and  declare  that  the 
party  shall  be  at  home  to  you.  I  have  known 
several  persons  who  have  had  the  habit  of  forcing 
an  entrance  into  a  house,  after  having  been  thus 
forbidden ;  but  whatever  has  been  the  degree 
195 


MORNING  CALLS. 


of  intimacy,  I  never  knew  it  done  without  gi'ving 
an  offence  bordering  on  disgust.  There  are  many 
times  and  seasons  at  which  a  person  chooses  to 
be  entirely  alone,  and  when  there  is  no  friend- 
ship for  which  he  would  give  up  his  occupation 
or  his  solitude. 

It  is  now  usual  for  those  who  do  not  wish  to 
see  company,  to  send  word  that  "  they  are  en- 
gaged ;"  formerly,  that  message  would  have 
given  offence,  but  it  is  now  so  customary  that 
every  one  understands  it.  A  traditionary  bon  mot 
of  Scipio  Nascica,  seems  to  bring  the  saying 
of  "not  at  home,"  to  a  7io7i  plus.  He  one  day 
called  on  Ennius  the  poet,  who,  though  at  home, 
was  denied  by  his  servant.  Soon  after,  Ennius 
returned  the  visit,  and  Scipio  himself  coming  to 
the  door,  told  him  that  he  was  not  at  home. 
"Nay!"  said  Ennius,  gravely,  "I  know  that 
you  are  ;  I  hear  your  voice."  "  You  are  a  fine 
fellow,  indeed,"  replied  Scipio ;  "  when  I  called 
196 


MORNING  CALLS. 


on  you  the  other  day,  I  believed  the  maid  who 
told  me  you  were  not  at  home,  and  now  you  will 
not  believe  me  although  you  hear  my  own  voice 
affirming  it." 

197 


TITLE    VIII. 
OF  EVENING  VISITS. 


In  various  talk  the  instructive  hours  are  past, 
Who  gave  the  ball,  or  paid  the  visit  last. 


Pope. 


Evening  visits  are  paid  only  to  those  w^ith 
whom  we  are  well  acquainted.  They  should  not 
be  very  frequent  even  where  one  is  intimate, 
nor  should  they  be  much  protracted.  Frequent 
visits  will  gain  for  a  man,  in  any  house,  the 
reputation  of  tiresome,  and  long  visits  will  inva- 
riably bring  down  the  appellation  of  hore.  Morn- 
ing visits  are  always  extremely  brief,  being  mat- 
ters of  mere  ceremony  ;  but  the  inordinate  length 
which  evening  visits  often  endure,  is  worthy  to 
be  '  reformed  altogether.'  There  are  many  per- 
Eons  who  never  think  of  paying  an  evening  visit 
198 


EVE^^ING  VISITS. 


of  less  than  two  hours ;  and  yet  there  are  not  ten 
people  in  all  the  world  who  are  capable  of  giving 
continued  pleasure  by  their  conversation  for  that 
length  of  time,  —  still  fewer  who  can  do  it  fre- 
quently. I  will  venture  to  say  that  there  is  no 
parlour,  through  which  more  pleasure  would  not 
be  diffused  by  the  visiter's  rising  at  the  end  of 
the  first  half-hour  than  by  his  remaining  through 
the  fourth,  even  if  he  were  delighting  every  ear 
by  the  brilliance  of  his  speeches.  The  restraint 
imposed  upon  the  listeners  is  irksome  to  the  last 
degree ;  for  both  body  and  mind  are  worn  out  by 
such  ceaseless  sessions. 

In  a  curious  volume  of  '  Observations  and  Dis- 
cours.es'  by  Grey  Brydges,  Lord  Chandos,  in 
1620,  there  are  some  shrewd,  though  rather 
splenetic,  remarks  upon  what  the  writer  terms 
'  visitations.'  The  condemnation  which  he  gives 
to  the  habit  of  very  frequent  visits,  is  judicious 
and  true.  "  It  is  the  index,"  says  he,  "  of  an 
idle  and  unprofitable  disposition ;  a  taker  up  of 
199 


EVEWINCf  VISITS. 


time  that  may  be  better  disposed ;  and  such  r 
spender  of  time  that  in  few  actions  it  can  be 
worse  employed.  This  vain  custom,  once  begun, 
mduceth  a  habit  not  easily  lost,  therefore  not 
good  to  begin ;  and  once  practised,  it  is  not  so 
safely  left ;  for  begun,  and  not  continued,  makes 
the  leaving  it  oif  esteemed  a  neglect,  which 
otherwise  would  be  never  claimed  as  a  due. 
And  these  kind  of  ceremonies  be  equally  tedious 
to  the  complimenter  and  complimentee,  if  they 
reciprocally  respect  not  this  fond  and  dissimulate 
kind  of  conversation.  And  though  it  often  hap- 
pen  that,  in  some  places  where  they  visit,  their 
tedious  society  be  well  accepted,  which  then 
must  only  be  allowed  to  such  as  are  of  the  same 
occupation,  and  are  even  with  them  in  the  same 
kind ;  yet  sometimes  it  falls  out,  that  thus  run- 
ning over  all  kind  of  company,  they  be  to  many 
so  unwelcome  and  troublesome  in  distracting  or 
diverting  their  better  employments,  that  often 
those  they  come  to,  conceal  themselves  upon 
200 


EVENING  VISITS. 


purpose,  or  suppose  some  necessary  business 
which  calls  thenm  away,  with  intention  only  to 
get  rid  of  them,  [or  perhaps  jump  out  of  the 
window,  as  Lord  Byron  used  to  do,  in  order  to 
escape  from  disagreeable  visiters].  From  which 
tediousness,  if  no  better  employment  of  their 
own  can  divert  them,  yet  the  consideration  of  the 
unseasonable  shifts  they  put  those  to  whom  they 
visit,  should  even  shame  them  from  frequenting 
so  bad  a  custom.  Yet  custom  hath  so  far  pre- 
vailed, that  I  dare  not  prescribe  a  total  neglect; 
but  I  counsel  to  avoid  frequent  and  assidual  prac- 
tice of  so  superfluous,  though  received  a  fashion. 
Those  that  duty,  love,  respect,  business  or  fami- 
liarity, bind  us  to,  we  must  observe  and  visit ; 
lest  they  interpret  our  absence  to  be  either  in 
contempt  of  their  persons,  or  a  carelessness  and 
disesteem  of  their  favour  and  friendship." 

Men  sometimes  presume,  for  the  acceptab(e- 
ness  of  their  presence,  upon  the  personal  affec- 
tion with  which  they  are  regarded ;  but  among 
2a  201 


EVENING  VISITS. 


people  of  the  world  that  will  go  for  very  little. 
In  the  breasts  of  those  who  use  life  extensively, 
the  generous  feelings  have  but  small  develop- 
ment ;  the  habit  of  hearing  every  one  coldly  and 
severely  discussed,  does  away  with  all  that 
reverence  which  must  be  the  foundation  of  the 
highest  affections.  We  must  bear  in  mind  that 
those  we  frequent  will  seize  the  first  opportunity 
of  pronouncing  us  tiresome  and  of  laughing  at 
the  commonness  of  our  presence.  'To  ensure 
the  preservation  of  friendship,'  says  Chevreau, 
•it  is  prudent  to  place  our  visits  at  distant  inter- 
vals.' '  Continual  rain,'  says  a  Jewish  axiom,  illus- 
trating this  position,  'is  unpleasant;  it  is  most 
agreeable  when  it  comes  after  being  wished  for. 
Familiarity  is  the  bane  of  friendship.' 

There  is  an  epigram  of  Martial  on  the  subject 
of  intimate  friendships,  which  is  infinitely  just 
and  true  : 

Si  vitare  velis  acerta  quwdam 
Et  tristes  animi  cavere  morsus: 

308 


EVENING  VISITS. 


Nulli  te  facias  niiiiis  sodalem ; 
GuEBdebis  minus,  et  minus  dolebis. 

There  is  a  certain  ossifying-  tendency  in  the 
atmosphere  of  the  great  world  which  renders  the 
heart  of  its  denizens  callous  to  those  emotions 
in  practical  affairs,  to  which  in  fancy  they  may 
still  be  susceptible.  After  we  have  classified 
"  those  whose  hearts  are  a  mere  muscle,  and 
serve  only  for  the  purpose  of  an  even  circula- 
tion,"* we  should  leave  but  a  small  portion  of 
the  fashionable  world  uncatalogued.  Napoleon 
was  expressing  the  conclusions  of  observation, 
at  least  as  much  as  those  of  consciousness,  when 
he  exclaimed,  "The  heart!  the  heart!  Prrrrr! 
What  is  the  heart  but  a  bit  of  the  body  through 
w^hich  passes  a  great  vein,  wherein  the  blood 
flows  faster  when  you  run'*"f  You  will  be  liked 
as  long  as  you  afford  pleasure  by  your  visits,  but 
the  moment  that  their  length  or  frequency  obliges 
you  to  tax  good-nature  or  sympathy  for  the  tole- 

*Cowper.  t^Iemoires  de  D'Abrante§. 

203 


EVENING  VISITS. 


ranee  of  that  which  is  no  longer  gratifying,  you 
will  quickly  find  that  you  have  over-drawn  your 
account.  There  is  a  melancholy  picture  in  Mr. 
Southey's  Life  of  White,  of  the  distress  to  which 
that  amiable  and  deserving  person  was  reduced. 
His  society  had  been  greatly  courted  when  he 
was  in  health ;  but  the  moment  his  spirits  for- 
sook him,  and  he  was  compelled  to  "  implore 
company  even  as  a  famishing  beggar  implores 
food,"  every  door  was  closed  upon  him.  And 
if  that  selfishness  prevailed  among  the  young 
and  unworldly,  infinitely  less  charitable  will  be 
the  tempers  of  those  whose  sympathies  have 
been  dulled  by  age,  and  whose  hearts  have  been 
made  hard  by  experience. 

204 


TITLE    IX. 
OF  RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


With  breeding  finished,  and  with  temper  sweet. 
When  serious,  easy,  and  when  gay,  discreet. 

Young. 


To  entertain  company  without  any  embarrass 
ment  or  excitement,  without  attracting  attention 
or  protruding  yourself  upon  the  notice  of  your 
guests,  is  an  art  only  to  be  acquired  by  long 
usage  and  practised  with  great  tact.  Behaviour 
at  home  is  one  of  the  best  touchstones  of  breed- 
ing ;  many  behave  well  abroad  who  cannot  ex- 
hibit ease  under  their  own  roof.  We  find  a  num- 
ber of  persons  who  seem  to  be  in  a  perpetual 
fever  while  there  is  company  in  their  house, — 
who  are  running  about  under  a  nervous  deter- 
mination that  people  shall  be  entertained  and 
205 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


entertaining, — who  are  begging  people  to  feel 
themselves  at  home,  hoping  that  they  enjoy 
themselves,  &c.  This  denotes  an  utter  want  of 
ton ;  it  is  done  by  men  who  have  spent  the  best 
days  of  their  manhood  behind  a  desk,  and  have 
come  at  length  to  the  exercise  of  wealth,  without 
any  of  the  habits  or  manners  that  should  adorn 
its  illustration.  A  gentleman,  on  such  occasions, 
is  quiet  and  calm;  he  seems  to  do  nothing, 
though  in  fact  he  does  a  great  deal.  He  goes 
About  Vv^th  composure  and  self-possession ;  and 
no  one  could  tell  by  his  behaviour  that  he  was 
not  one  of  the  guests. 

Ladies  make  a  point  of  not  being  much  dressed 
in  their  own  houses ;  the  reason  assigned  being 
that  some  of  the  company  may  happen  not  to  be 
highly  dressed.  This,  I  confess,  seems  to  be  but 
an  indifferent  compliment  to  her  guests;  but 
usage  has  settled  its  necessity. 

When  Scott  dined  with  Sir  Robert  Peel,  he 
observed  that  the  baronet  took  the  lead  in  con- 
206 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


versation  in  his  own  house,  which  he  would  not 
do  elsewhere.  I  have  generally  found  the  prac- 
tice of  the  best-bred  men  to  be  the  reverse ;  and 
I  think  that  course  is  better,  for  the  reason  that 
most  persons  find  it  more  agreeable  to  talk  than 
to  listen.  The  host  should  open  the  conversation 
at  dinner,  if  no  one  else  will  do  it, — set  it  fairly 
a-going, — and  then  hand  it  over  to  others.  After 
that,  his  part  is  to  supply  all  the  gaps  and  vacan- 
cies that  occur;  to  stimulate  it  when  it  flags,  and 
to  give  it  a  new  direction,  if  it  gets  on  an  objec- 
tionable bias;  to  give  effect  to  the  unfinished 
remarks  of  others ;  to  see  that  every  good  shaft 
hits  ;  and  to  control,  steer,  and  moderate  the  talk, 
but  not  monopolize  it.  To  take  up  a  topic,  say 
the  best  thing  upon  it,  and  then  turn  it  over  to 
the  rest,  is  not  very  courtly.  It  was  in  this  way 
that  Scott  told  Mr.  Adolphus  that  the  Duke  of 
Wellington  debated  ;  "  he  slices  the  argument," 
said  he,  "  into  two  or  three  parts,  and  helps  him- 
self to  the  best." 

207 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


However  numerous  may  be  the  company  which 
you  are  entertaining-,  you  should  make  a  point  of 
paying  some  attention  peculiarly  to  each  of  your 
guests,  and  exchanging  some  conversation  with 
all.  This  should  not  be  done  in  that  formal  and 
perfunctory  manner  which  we  sometimes  see, 
when  the  host  goes  round  his  room,  saying  a  few 
frigid  words  to  every  one,  or  taking  a  glass  of 
wine  with  half  a  dozen  at  a  time,  with  a  stiff  ex- 
actness that  conveys  no  compliment  because  it 
denotes  no  feeling.  You  should  throw  something 
of  warmth  and  particularity  into  your  address  to 
each,  causing,  by  the  interest  you  indicate,  every 
one  to  imagine  that  he  is  the  object  of  your  chief 
regard.  Let  each  be  made  to  think  that  it  is  he 
especially  whom  you  delight  to  honour. 

More  care  should  be  taken  in  assorting  those 
whom  you  bring  together,  than  generally  prevails 
in  American  society.  Most  persons  when  they 
have  decided  on  giving  a  dinner,  send  out  invita- 
tions to  the  right  and  left,  either  without  any  se- 
208 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


lection  at  all,  or  with  such  a  choice  as  depends 
not  on  the  mutual  harmony  of  the  tastes,  tempers 
and  pursuits  of  the  invited,  but  on  each  one's  own 
individual  distinction  or  his  intimacy  with  4he 
entertainer.  Accordingly  when  one  enters  a 
drawing-room  on  such  an  occasion,  one  cannot 
help  exclaiming, 

Lud !  \*hat  a  motley  group  the  scene  discloses !  — 
for  it  is  often  apparent  at  a  glance  that  not  a  sin- 
gle interesting  topic  can  possibly  be  introduced 
and  discussed  which  will  not  give  offence  or  un- 
easiness to  some  one,  and  no  style  of  manner  can 
prevail  which  will  not  thwart  some  one's  taste  or 
inclination.  A  refined  and  sensitive  man  of  let- 
ters is  seated  between  an  Arab  whose  thoughts 
never  wander  beyond  the  precincts  of  the  Stock- 
alley,  and  a  politician  whose  turbulent  spirit  is 
occupied  with  nothing  but  the  returns  from  this 
State  or  that  county ;  and  one  party  will  taste  the 
delicacy  of  Walpole  and  the  sentiment  of  Gray 
as  much  as  the  other  will  relish  the  jargon  of  the 
2  b  209 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


money-market  or  the  filth  of  the  polls.  A  hiorh 
born  man,  whose  hourly  thoughts  are  bristling 
with  contempt  for  business,  and  horror  at  the 
lei^lling  doctrines  of  democracy,  is  supported  on 
the  one  hand  by  a  coarse  and  vulgar  cit,  and  on 
the  other  by  some  upstart  radical  with  whom  Ja- 
cobinism is  a  religion,  and  enmity  to  rank  is  a 
matter  of  conscience.  It  is  fortunate,  too,  if  in 
this  ill-combined  assemblage,  there  is  not  also  a 
plentiful  sprinkling  of  personal  hostilities.  How 
can  conversation  flourish  or  pleasure  be  diffused, 
when  the  minds  of  the  party  are  thus  mutually 
abhorrent,  when  the  chaste  wit  of  a  portion  is  in- 
terrupted by  some  low  topic  from  the  hustings,  or 
the  ease  and  equanimity  of  the  company  is  broken 
up  by  some  sharp-shooting  between  violent  foes  1 
We  are  told  that  the  custom  of  challenging  a  man 
to  drink  wine  arose  from  a  habit  that  prevailed  at 
the  feast-board  in  the  days  of  Saxon  savageness, 
when  a  guest  found  it  necessary  to  call  upon  a 
friend  to  protect  him  while  he  drank,  lest  sorae- 
210 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


body  should  stab  him  while  the  glass  was  at  his 
lips.  When  one  casts  an  eye  about  a  table  encir- 
cled by  such  as  we  have  described,  among  whom 
there  prevails,  in  mind  or  heart,  not  only  no  sym- 
pgjhy,  but  a  strong  antipathy,  one  can  hardly  help 
thinking  it  might  be  useful  if  this  primitive  usage 
were  revived.  If  there  be  no  danger  of  the  sword 
being  put  in  requisition,  there  is  more  than  dan- 
ger that  the  guests  will  "  shoot  out  their  arrows 
—  even  bitter  words." 

"  If  thou  be  made  the  master  of  a  feast,"  says 
the  author  of  Ecclesiasticus,  "  lift  not  thyself  up, 
but  be  among  them  as  one  of  the  rest;  take  dili- 
gent care  for  them,  and  so  sit  down.  And  when 
thou  hast  done  all  thy  office,  take  thy  place,  that 
thou  mayest  be  merry  with  them,  and  receive  a 
crown  for  thy  well  ordering  of  the  feast."  He 
who  calls  people  together  in  his  own  house 
should  consider  himself  bound  to  the  same  duties 
of  ministration  as  anciently  rested  upon  the 
archon  of  the  feast.  He  should  consider  himself, 
211 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  IIOME- 


for  the  nonce,  the  servant  of  his  friends,  and  his 
acts  should  aid  their  comfort  rather  than  his  own 
illustration.  He  should  play  a  second  part,  and 
neither  in  manner  nor  remark  "  over-crow"  any 
one.  Every  kind  of  ostentation  which  can  mor- 
tify the  humblest  of  his  guests,  should  be 
avoided.  His  object  should  be  to  make  his  com- 
pany enjoy  themselves,  rather  than  to  afford  them 
enjoyment.  To  enlarge  upon  the  subject  of  his 
furniture  or  pictures,  —  to  throw  others  into  the 
shade  by  the  emphasis  of  his  manner  or  the  dis- 
play of  his  conversation,  —  to  impair  any  one's 
comfort  so  much  as  must  be  done  by  wounding 
his  self-love  —  is  to  be  guilty  of  a  very  uncour- 
teous  breach  of  the  obligations  wliich  good-breed- 
ing has  attached  to  the  office  he  has  assumed. 

It  is  taking  a  great  and  very  indelicate  liberty 
with  a  person  to  invite  him  as  an  equal  and  on 
terms  of  friendship,  to  your  house,  only  for  the 
purpose  of  displaying  him  for  your  own  amuse- 
ment or  that  of  other  guests.  The  civility  that 
212 


KECEFV^ING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


is  inspired  by  vanity  of  this  kind,  wlien  a  man  is 
"  sent  for  not  to  be  treated  as  a  friend,  but  to 
satisfy  curiosity ;  not  to  be  entertained  so  much 
as  wondered  at ;  when  the  same  earnestness 
which  excites  them  to  see  their  guest,  would 
have  made  them  equally  proud  of  a  visit  from  a 
rhinoceros,"  is  not  merely  worthless  but  it  is  per- 
fidious. You  not  only  pay  the  person  no  real 
compliment  at  all,  when  you  invite  him  to  contri- 
bute to  nothing  but  the  gratification  of  your  own 
vanity,  but  you  betray  him  into  circumstances 
which  may  be  very  annoying  and  humiliating  to 
him.  You  have  no  right  to  monster  a  man  uo 
without  regard  to  his  wishes  or  feelings,  merely 
to  gain  a  passing  eclat  for  your  drawing-room. 
There  are,  to  be  sure,  distinguished  persons  who 
are  proud  to  be  considered  as  show-beasts,  and 
who  are  more  delighted  the  more  eyes  are  upon 
them :  such  you  may  safely  assemble  a  company 
to  look  at,  nor  care  how  much  they  are  picked  to 
pieces  by  the  spectators.  But  there  are  many 
213 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


Other  persons  of  eminence  belonginj^  to  the  first 
class  of  society,  who  are  invariably  disgusted  by 
that  kind  of  exhibition,  and  there  are  many  more, 
whose  station  is  less  unequivocal,  who  are  deeply 
indignant  at  that  sort- of  invitation,  and  if  they 
find  that  they  are  invited  not  as  ordinary  guests, 
but  as  fiddlers  for  the  rest  of  the  company,  which 
distinction  they  are  very  jealous  in  suspecting-, 
they  never  fail  to  resent  it  as  a  deep  insult.  If 
you  find  in  your  own  house  that  any  of  your 
company  are  inclined  to  treat  in  this  wise  any 
one  whom  you  have  invited  from  no  such  selfish 
vanity,  you  should  avoid  everything  that  looks 
like  such  an  intention,  in  your  own  manner,  and 
should  endeavour  to  check  the  freedom  of  others, 
as  much  as  you  can.  You  are  to  consider  your 
guests  as  b^ing  under  your  protection,  and  having, 
by  inviting  them  as  equals  and  on  terms  of  ordi- 
nary courtesy,  given  an  implied  assurance  that 
nothing  should  occur  under  your  roof  to  disturb 
that  relation,  you  are  in  honour  bound  to  prevent 
214 


EECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


those  encroachments  upon  this  equal  condition, 
which  any  of  your  company  may  be  inclined  tc 
make.  Dr.  Johnson,  who  had  an  intolerant  dis- 
gust at  "  being  made  a  zany  of,"  as  he  expressed 
it,  made  it  a  rule,  whenever  he  discovered  that 
he  was  invited  to  talk  only  to  gratify  the  curiosity 
of  the  company,  to  maintain  a  profound  silence 
during  the  whole  of  the  entertainment. 

Private  concerts,  or  parties  invited  for  the  sole 
purpose  of  playing  and  singing,  are  apt  to  be, 
like  Milton's  nightingale, 

•'  Most  musical,  most  melancholy  ;" 

but  the  introduction  of  music  at  an  ordinary 
party,  when  it  is  unexpected,  has  generally  a 
very  agreeable  effect.  When  people  assemble  in 
a  small  company  at  nine  o'clock,  there  is  some- 
thing rather  appalling  in  the  necessity  which  lies 
before  them  of  entertaining  and  being  entertained 
for  the  space  of  two  hours,  and  this  prospect  is 
apt  to  lie  somewhat  heavily  upon  the  spirits, 
S15 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOMO. 


giving  dullness  to  conversation  nnd  uneasiness 
to  the  temper.  It  is  therefore  a  great  relief  to 
find  the  piano  opened,  and  to  know  that  the  ne- 
cessity of  talking  is  at  an  end,  and  that  you  are 
at  liberty  either  to  converse  or  listen,  as  you 
choose. 

If  you  cannot  introduce  music  when  you  are 
entertaining  evening  company,  you  may  advan- 
tageously assist  the  colloquial  fluency  of  your 
guests,  by  laying  before  them  matters  which  will 
furnish  ready  topics  of  conversation,  or  break  up 
the  formality  of  the  circle  by  calling  the  com- 
pany to  direct  their  curiosity  to  a  single  point. 
Pictures  or  drawings  of  persons,  buildings, 
scenes  or  sites  that  happen  to  be  interesting  and 
fresh  in  the  fashionable  world,  —  specimens  of  a 
new  style  of  work  or  of  curious  antiques  lately 
discovered,  —  something  of  this  kind  should  be 
brought  forward  to  assist  remark  and  relieve 
attention.  Care  should  be  taken,  however,  that 
the  consideration  of  the  company  is  not  forced  to 
216 


RECEIVING  COMPANY  AT  HOME. 


any  of  these  things,  beyond  what  is  perfectly 
voluntary  and  agreeable,  —  else  the  thing  will 
become  a  bore.  It  is  very  stupid  for  an  enter- 
tainer to  compel  his  guests  to  follow  him  while 
he  turns  over  a  book  of  engravings  and  calls 
upon  them  to  express  a  vapid  admiration  which 
it  is  both  annoying  and  difficult  to  do  in  proper 
terms. 

2  c  217 


TITLE    X. 
OF  THE  AMUSEMENTS  OF  A  GENTLEMAN. 


His  aficrnoong  he  passed  in  visits,  luncheons. 

Lounging,  and  boxing. 

Lord  Byron. 


In  the  employment  of  those  who  are  the  most 
devoted  to  business,  and  in  the  occupation  of 
those  the  most  engaged  in  society,  there  occui 
many  hours  which  are  naturally  and  necessarily 
assigned  to  amusement.  To  all  men,  those  are 
hours  of  danger,  and  every  judicious  man  will 
take  care  to  provide,  for  such  seasons,  some 
ready  and  inviting  undertaking  to  which  he  can 
turn,  the  moment  he  is  idle. 

It  should  be  the  first  care  of  every  man  who 

values  the  refinement  of  his  mind  and  manners, 

of  his  thoughts  and  conversation,  as  well  as  of 

every  man  of  virtue,  to  avoid  those  amusements 

218 


AMUSEMENTS  OF  A  GENTLEMAN. 


which  partake  of  a  voluptuous  and  indelicate 
nature.  Licentiousness  is  sure  to  degrade  and 
brutity.  No  man  can  use  it  habitually  without 
its  effects  appearing  in  all  his  character.  It  will 
coarsen  his  taste,  so  that  he  can  no  longer  relish 
or  endure  the  refined  society  which  it  was  once 
his  pride  to  cultivate :  it  will  coarsen  his  con- 
versation so  that  he  can  no  longer  succeed  in  it. 
It  was  rightly  feigned  that  the  gods  made  them- 
selves beasts,  when  they  descended  to  unlawful 
amours. 

Dancing  is  cultivated  in  youth  as  an  essential 
part  of  education  :  a  gentleman,  who  from  fre- 
quent usage  has  acquired  a  taste  for  it,  and  in 
whose  mind  it  is  connected  with  the  recollection 
of  very  agreeable  scenes,  will  generally  find  it  a 
pleasant  recreation  for  his  unoccupied  time.  Ma- 
turin,  the  poet  and  preacher,  and  one  of  the 
greatest  novelists  of  modern  times,  was  so  fas- 
cinated with  its  delights,  that  in  his  late  years, 
he  did  little  else  than  dance,  alone  or  in  com- 
319 


AMUSEMENTS  OF  A  GENTLEMAV. 


pany,  from  morninjr  till  night.  It  is  a  healthful 
exercise;  and  its  influence  upon  the  ease  and 
gracefulness  of  the  form  and  carriage  is  highly 
important.  \o  man  ^l\\  go  into  company  unless 
he  finds  himself  at  fese  when  lie  is  there:  and 
certainly  no  man  can  shine  in  it,  unless  his  mo- 
tion and  manners  are  marked  hy  elegance  and 
finish.  These  exercises  should,  as  often  as  po9- 
sihle,  he  performed  under  the  eye  of  a  master; 
that  superintendence  heing,  in  almost  every  art, 
quite  as  necessary  during  the  hours  of  practice, 
as  for  the  business  of  instruction. 

Fencing  is  a  thing  very  proper  to  be  exercised 
by  a  gentleman ;  and  it  is  so  agreeable  that  in 
the  inclination  of  any  one  who  is  familiar  with 
It,  it  will  yield  in  attraction  to  few  sorts  of 
amusement.  It  developes  the  frame  admirably; 
and  gives  freedom  and  self-possession  to  the  car- 
riage. It  is  a  manlier  discipline  than  dancing; 
and  for  the  street,  the  effects  of  the  one  are  as 
much  better  as  those  of  the  other  are  more  pro* 
220 


AMUSEMENTS  OP  A  GENTLEMAN. 


fitable  for  the  drawing-room.  Boxinor  is  a  noblt. 
exercise,  and  ought  not  to  be  neglected.  Its 
vigour  and  stoutness  form  an  excellent  corrective 
of  that  etfeminacy  which  the  atmosphere  of  the 
salon  is  apt  to  inspire ;  ani  the  courage  which 
it  imparts,  gives  substance  and  solidity  to  the 
graces  of  good-breeding. 

There  is,  however,  reason  to  apprehend  that, 
to  one  familiar  with  the  excitement  of  society, 
the  plain  diversions  which  all  will  pronounce 
harmless,  will  carry  with  them  too  little  stimalus 
to  render  themselves  acceptable.  There  is  one 
amusement  against  which  the  warning  of  mo- 
ralists has  sometimes  been  raised,  and  yet  which 
in  this  connection  and  under  the  circumstances 
and  limitations  that  grow  out  of  it,  seems  free 
from  objection;  I  allude  to  novel-reading.  The 
perusal  of  good  romances  is  as  harmless  and  as 
useful,  when  they  are  taken  up  by  way  of  enter- 
tainment and  for  the  filling  up  of  a  vacant  half- 
hour,  as  their  best  use  is  baneful,  when  they  are 
2di 


AMUSEMENTS  OF  A  GENTLEMAN. 


made  the  business  of  life.  To  the  very  young, 
and  those  who  are  untried  in  the  world,  they  are 
probably  prejudicial  ;  but  a  man,  matured  in 
years  and  principles,  who  has  navigated  all  the 
streams  and  canals  of  society,  may  indulge  in 
their  perusal  as  far  as  his  taste  may  suggest,  not 
only  without  injury  but  probably  with  great  ad- 
vantage. There  are  many  practices  of  moderate 
excitement  which  may  be  condemned,  on  the  one 
hand,  as  leading  to  greater  excitements,  and,  on 
the  other,  approved,  as  detaining  from  them.  To 
determine  their  moral  influence,  we  mnst  cast  a 
balance  between  these  tendencies.  A  boy,  who 
is  ignorant  of  life,  is  led  by  novels  nearer  to  that 
scene  which  in  his  unripe  condition  may  en- 
danger his  integrity  ;  but  it  is  plain  that  when  a 
man  of  society, — a  man  who  has  tried  and  been 
tried  by  the  world  in  all  its  most  alluring  shapes, 
— takes  up  a  novel,  he  passes  from  the  greater  to 
the  less,  and  lays  down  the  reality  to  be  amused 
with  its  shadow.  He  can  find,  in  his  duode- 
223 


AMUSEMENTS  OP  A  GEXTLEMAX. 


cimos,  nothing  more  dangerous  than  what  he  has 
already  felt  at  large';  and  he  may  find  much  that 
will  raise  him  far  above  his  common  level. 

The  objection  that  is  sometimes  raised,  in 
theory,  to  familiarity  with  works  of  fiction,  that 
they  habituate  the  imagination  to  the  airy  scenes 
of  the  false  and  the  impossible,  too  much  to  ren- 
der it  fit  for  the  actual  business  of  life,  would 
seem  to  be  confuted,  with  the  most  practical 
completeness,  in  the  career  of  Sir  Walter  Scott ; 
a  man  who  living  habitually  in  a  visionary  world, 
yet  retained  in  action  all  the  vigour  of  his  tem- 
per and  all  the  clearness  of  his  mind.  It  is  pos- 
sible that  the  old  romances  which  were  crowded 
with  the  terrors  of  a  supern^itural  world,  might 
disturb  the  fancy  more  than  would  be  consistent 
with  the  strength  and  composure  of  all  the  facul- 
ties. But  the  fictions  now  in  vogue  draw  their 
scenes  and  incidents  from  the  real  world  :  if  the 
reader  is  unversed  in  actual  life,  his  habitual 
dreams  and  imaginings  will  be  still  more  untrue 
223 


AMUSEMENTS  OF  A  GENTLEMAN. 


and  hurtful  than  the  falsest  pictures  thus  pre- 
sented to  him ;  and  if  he  is  experienced  in  the 
world,  those  pictures  can  do  him  no  harm. 

Accordingly  some  of  the  greatest  men  have 
resorted  usually  to  this  method  of  diverting  their 
unoccupied  time.  Lard  Camden  relieved  the  ju- 
dicial tedium  of  the  wool-sack  by  a  regular 
perusal  of  all  the  novels  that  appeared.  St. 
Evremond  was  constantly  reading  Don  Quixote, 
and  began  it  anew  when  he  had  finished  it  once. 
Longuerue  relates  that  La  Rochefoucault,  the 
author  of  the  Maxims,  was  greatly  given  to  the 
reading  of  romances  all  his  life:  yet  that,  in  no 
wise,  embarrassed  or  obscured  his  perceptions 
of  the  actual  around  him.  The  mind  of  Mackin- 
tosh was  never  impaired  by  those  habits  of 
reverie  in  which  he  tells  us  he  was  wont  to 
indulge,  fancying  himself  the  Sultan  dwelling 
at  Constantinople  and  distributing  favours  to  his 
friends. 

THE    END. 

224 


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